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Primary education

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Original poster

What would you do if your child was the bully?

24 replies

indiastar · 21/05/2012 09:53

Dd (5) has started to be really nasty to her best friend at school. I've been in to see the teacher as has the other mum. I am absolutely mortified at her behaviour as she is not a problem at home or anywhere else. Unfortunately dd gets bullied by her brother and cousin (when we see him) who have sn, so some of it she is copying off them. We have talked as a family about how bullying is unacceptable, read the books etc, but I do not know what else to do. Tbh, I feel like pulling dd out of school as I am so ashamed of her behaviour and know that a lot of the other mums will be gossiping about her.

OP posts:
interregmum · 21/05/2012 10:17

Have you spoken to the other mum? I thikn sometimes if they know you are coming down hard on it and taking it seriously it can help.

What kind of things is she doing?

My dd1 was really horrible to another girl at school once (she was older, about 7). I made her apologise, have the girl round for tea and I apologised to the mum. i think when my dd realised what upset she had caused she was mortified. It's never happened since to my knowledge.

learnandsay · 21/05/2012 10:20

Are you making excuses for your son? (Surely having sn isn't a reason to bully your sister.)

Work with the teacher and the head if necessary to form a plan of dealing with your daughter's bullying. It's pretty much the same as if your daughter was the victim, (but in reverse.)

By the way, congrats on coming forward with this problem. If only more parents were as responsible and caring as you are. Well done, Mum.

Withdraw rewards until your children's behaviour improves, (both of them.)

Original poster
indiastar · 21/05/2012 10:56

Interregmum - I have spoken to the other girls mum and explained what we are doing etc. I am friends with her, and she is being very understanding, but I am still mortified. The thing is they do go to each others houses and play well together.

learnandsay - I know haven't an sn doesn't automatically make you a bully, and my son often does not mean it. He is not a bully, but just the way he reacts to certain situations causes a deterioration in his behaviour, which in turn makes dd cry. (Probably worded it wrong, but she has to put up with a lot of negative behaviour from her brother, he is 8 and she has dealt with this all her life). We do not let him get away with it either, and explain to both of them about other peoples feelings, acceptable behaviour etc. (He sees a pediatrician and OT to help him).

He will often have computer time taken away, and dd will also have privileges taken away too. But as I said in my original post, she is not naughty at home or when we are out, so is only being punished for her behaviour at school towards her friend, so having to tell her off is quite new to me!

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doormat · 21/05/2012 11:02

dd2 and 3 were bullies...once i was informed i stamped it out very quickly by speaking to the victim with the parent present ( infront of my child) to reassure them that if my child bullied them again to tell me straight away as my child would be in very serious trouble.....

PastSellByDate · 21/05/2012 11:04

Hi indiastar

I'd try talking to your DD about how she feels when her brother and cousin pick on her. Usually a child will say they don't like it. At that point you have them - just ask Well then, why are you doing it to x?

I find that a few conversations like that usually sink in. I won't say the behaviour changes immediatley, but it does start to improve.

We also talk about why our DD likes her friends - because they're nice, they share, they're friendly, they're funny, etc... - and why she doesn't like certain children - because they're pushy, they don't share, they say mean things. And then we talk about which type of person does she want to be - the nice friend? or the mean friends?

HTH

Original poster
indiastar · 21/05/2012 11:07

Doormat - I haven't tried that approach yet, I might just try it, thanks!

She does seem to listen at the time when I am speaking to her about it, and promises me that she won't do it again, but she seems to forget everything we have talked about once she is at school.

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Original poster
indiastar · 21/05/2012 11:10

x posedt with you PastSellByDate! I have had that conversation with her so many times and she does 'get it', just forgets as soon as she is through the school gates. I will try talking to her about why she likes her friends etc and what kind of friend she wants to be.

Thank you all for your help.

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doormat · 21/05/2012 11:14

india i hope it works like it did with me, fingers crossed xxx

SarkyWench · 21/05/2012 11:37

I think doormat's suggestion is a good one.
I've seen this approach work wonders.

Original poster
indiastar · 21/05/2012 11:57

Thank you everyone. Can I just ask how old your children were Doormat and do you think it will work on a 5 year old?

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doormat · 21/05/2012 12:05

dd3 was 6...and was bullying a girl in her class, that if she didnt do what she said she would get her older sisters to batter her....when i spoke to victim and parent on this infront of dd3, i also told them that her elder sisters would batter dd3 if she came up with that kind of nonsense again aswell as reassure victim that she could always tell me as dd3 would be in alot of trouble...

dd2 was older around 11, when she bullied a girl in high school....i did the same approach but also skull dragged her out of school in front of her peers...very embarrassing for her i know but would rather she knew i meant business and wasnt going to tolerate bullying in any shape or form

never had any incidents again and i have 6 kids

i just hope it works for you, like it did with me and thx sarky xxx

LEMONADEGIRL · 21/05/2012 13:01

Well done for trying to sort out your dd! I wish the mother of the son that is bullying my ds would actually realise what her little darling was like rather than passing the book and not believing her son is capable of!

Original poster
indiastar · 21/05/2012 13:19

Thank you lemonade girl.
I think by denying there is a problem means that the child knows they are getting away with it, and there is no way that I want any of my dcs thinking that it is ok to be nasty to someone.

Thanks Doormat and SarkyWench, will try that approach too if I hear of anymore bad behaviour!

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neolara · 21/05/2012 13:42

I think sometimes it is interesting to think about what function does the bullying play in your dd's life. Does it allow her to feel powerful, albeit temporarily? Does it impress other kids in the class and hence raise her status? Does it get her something tangible she wants e.g. she takes the other kids toys because she wants to play with them? Does she get to spend time out of the classroom? etc.

To help you do this, sometimes it's useful to try to identify pattens by looking at:

  1. antecedents i.e. what happens immediately before they bullying occurs. Is there a particular trigger such as being told off, feeling cross, being on the recieving end of difficult behaviour from db, being in a certain part of the classroom, working with a particular other child etc
  2. behaviour i.e. what exactly happens e.g. hitting, name calling (what exactly is said?), stealing etc.
  3. consequences i.e. what happens afterwards. Does your dd end up with something they want (food, toy, attention from kids or adults etc). Try to log incidents on a chart and soon you should see a patten. YOu could try to do this retrospectively through discussion with your dd's teacher and the mother of your dd's friend.

Once you know what the underlying issues are, helping your dd to find an alternative, more socially acceptable, way of getting what she wants / needs would be a great life lesson. E.g. If it's about feeling powerless, try to find situations where she can experience feeling powerful such as playing games with an adult where she gets to boss the adult around. If it's about wanting toys, explicitly teach her how to negotiate with other kids instead of snatching.

Original poster
indiastar · 21/05/2012 14:01

Thank you Neolara, I will look closer at her behaviour, but tbh I think it's a power thing partly due to her brothers behaviour towards her. Will have to have a long think about finding ways of changing this. Am seeing my ds's pediatrician in a couple of weeks, so will ask her advice too.

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Original poster
indiastar · 21/05/2012 17:50

Apparently, she has been kind all day today!! So relieved!! Long may it last!

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VonHerrBurton · 21/05/2012 18:17

Glad she's had a good day india. We went through something similar with ds when he was in R, and a bit of Y1, if I'm honest. We did exactly the same as you, we knew ds was a lovely boy really, but realised that not everybody else knew that and I would cry myself to sleep with worry that everyone hated me and people were talking about me.

They weren't. They could see parents who were working with school and any other parents who's dc my ds had been mean to, phoning people, making him write apology notes (well, with a lot of help!) taking everything seriously.

I bet that's how the other parents see you. We don't have the same problems now, he is a lot older. Parents who throw stones have to beware as we all live in glass houses with young children - it could be their child who goes through a bad spell just as easily as yours. Keep your chin up x

JamieandTheMagicTorch · 21/05/2012 18:19

Good advice on here. In addition, I'd make sure that every time she or her brother show kindness, empathy, concern, or helpfulness to you or anyone else, you praise them for it in specific terms.

I agree that children of this age are trying to express something or gain control by bullying, at that needs addressing.

doormat · 21/05/2012 18:20

well done your dd, proud mummy moments like this make it so rewarding xxx

JamieandTheMagicTorch · 21/05/2012 18:21

My DS1 was bullied and I always wanted it sorted for the benefit of him (it affected him terribly), but also the bully. I don't think all children are capable of it, but I think many many are, depending on their personality and what's going on in their own lives. Well done you for facing it

JamieandTheMagicTorch · 21/05/2012 18:24

... and she is only little. Plenty of time to work this out

Original poster
indiastar · 22/05/2012 19:14

Thank you for all your kind messages of support. We had another good day today (fingers crossed, it lasts)!

VonHerrBurton - that's exactly it, Parents who throw stones have to beware as we all live in glass houses with young children - it could be their child who goes through a bad spell just as easily as yours. Unfortunately, we have a few parents at our school who think their dc's are little angels !! (Been crying lots about it too)!!

JamieandTheMagicTorch - we are doing the 'over the top' praise thing whenever they are kind to each other!!! Hope your ds is ok now.

Thanks Doormat.

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JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 22/05/2012 20:05

thanks. He's doing really well now Smile

VonHerrBurton · 23/05/2012 12:30

I guarantee you, you will be much better liked and thought of than those parents as the years go by. It's a massive leveller having kids, there's nowhere to hide ( as we both know! ) when things 'go a bit wrong' ...

Karma.

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