Worried about my 7 year old

[seeingstars]

My DS started a new school due to re-location in September. He is a lovely, sensitive, kind, sweet boy. biased not perfect by any means but a nice lad.

He seems to tic along at school, sometimes plays with this person or that person but mostly plays by himself. He says he does'nt mind and that other children are mean to him. I was walking past school last week and he was sitting on the bench looking very sad.

When I gently spoke to him about this, he sais he likes school, which he does but feels a bit left out because there have been a few parties recently and he hasn't been invited. Since starting he has only been to one party and invited twice back to people's houses, tbh this was because I am friendly with the mothers.

I don't know what to do! I have asked had children over a number of times for tea but no return invites. I'm thinking I should make sure I give him the opportunity to have afriend over each week? And invite lots of the the mums over for a coffee? HELP.

I'm not even bothered about him being popular, just one good friend would be nice.

PS Should I talk to the teacher?

Your poor ds. Yes definitely talk to the teacher.

How was he socially at his old school?

Absolutely talk to the school. They can and should help. But be proactive, send an email first telling them what the issues are and that you want a meeting with them to discuss strategies to resolve the issue (saves a lot of time)
Get onto the parents, talk to them, do lots of play dates. Find out (if possible, from your child, if there are any issues with specific children) then speak to those parents and get them on board to help you resolve it
It's a relocation,it's bound to be difficult, but you can be absolutely instrumental in making it better. Really, don't leave it up to the child, they need some help.
It really works, but you need to run around and get everyone on board to help. Doesn't take long, but do it ASAP
Good luck, have been there

Sorry, my little one woke up and I fell asleep! Will read through now.

mince Thanks for the suggestions. I will talk to DH tonight about speaking to school and writing an email. The head is very approachable but DS's teacher is very much, let them get on with it. I have arranged a playdate for friday and will do this weekly, he s very excited!!

I'm not sure about specific children being horrible or if he is being a bit sensitive, his is nature and mine

At his last school it was much the same but big difference was that he had one best friend, who we are still in contact with and will see in a few weeks (4 hour drive)

mince when you say talk to the other parents, do you mean discuss the situation or just get to know them? I did mention to one of the other mums that he doesn't get invited to play dates and she said she would have him over infront of him but it tooks weeks for this to happen and then was a more of helping me out than a playdate although DS obviously thought he was tres popular.

He had a little birthday party after moving here, which was a mistake I think, I should of let him have a big party because it ended up that out of the four children he invited, 1 was ill, 1 was a hour late, 1 didn't respond (even though i spoke to the parent and expalined situation) and 1 came. Very disappointing. I am wondering wether I should hold a party for some reason to make up for it. We have just moved so moving house party for DCs???

You simply report it to the teacher and ask what her observations are in class.

I don't think the teacher is interested in the social side, sadly.

Tbh I'm not sure that teachers see it in the same light as parents socially.

I have concerns over my dc's socially as none of them are the best socially. Even the best teachers tend to say "oh yes, they're fine, usually have a partner, they play with X, Y Z and others..." But they don't see the child who gets on "okay" with lots as lonely while others have best friends and get invited to parties. There is a huge gap between the teacher seeing that they're normally with others and them feeling happy, confident and accepted by the others.

I think often the teachers just want to reassure the parents. I have before now been given a list of children that apparently my dc are "very friendly with" but that none of them have invited my dc to fairly large parties, and I've never heard them mentioned in a "I'm playing with" kind of way.

Hi seeingstars

I'm not sure if your DS is in Y2 or Y3 based on age - but several things do occur.

Forming friendships takes time - one way to help though is to keep battling on with play dates, especially through the summer. Try and start to arrange some play dates in the last week of school. We also found that Y2/ Y3 there is about establishing the pecking order - so this is even harder to break into as 'the new kid'.

Talking to parents - why not see if a group of you can arrange a class meet up in the park once a week. Just a general invite to parents/ children to meet up in the park at a certain time once a week and a few of you will arrange flasks of tea/squash and biscuits for everybody.

Join clubs - one of the things you can consider is having your DS start joining after school activities, cub scouts/ boy scouts and swimming. My DDs have made a lot of friends through their outside activities and although we don't have huge numbers of play dates with these children, they're considered good friends and they enjoy their lesson time together.

In terms of talking to the teacher - I'd talk to your DS first. Find out from him whether he's being asked to join in or not. Is he proactively about asking to join in (is he going up to children and asking and they're refusing) or is he waiting to be asked. I'm not saying this is the problem - but there is the possibility that he hasn't thought to ask if he could join in. But that isn't to say that there aren't other problems and certainly our DD2 has to navigate a very clicky playground scene which she finds a bit much at times since some very strong personalities control what is played and who plays.

Our solution was to remind her that there are tons of things to do in the playground and that she should busy herself climbing the climbing frame, playing hopscotch, building ladybird homes, watching hover flies, watching tadpoles in the pond, etc... rather than sit and look sad. We also found out that she's allowed to draw on the playground with chalks the school provides, ride the scooters/ bikes and she can bring a book out. Once she had activities to fall back on, she got less worried about who she played with and what she's found is that over time other children have joined in with her quiet, friendly play. We've always stressed to always say 'yes' if anyone asks to play, there is always room for another friend - and over this year she's gradually become the one they gravitate to when the top dogs are being fussy about who plays with them that day.

Wow what a great post past i have got time to process it fully now but will be back later. I have just meet up with another parent who said her child doesn't have a lot of party invites either and we are welcome to go round there so thats a nice, not the party bit but the going roung IYSWIM.

ok, here's what I think and my observations I have a DS age 7. He is the most outgoing, sociable chappy you could want, very chatty, independant but he hardly gets birthday invites, althoguh his class is a mix of year 1s and 2's so the year 1's tend to invite their age group. I have tea/play dates every week...must admit the boys he tends to have over either their parents work late or one doesnt have parents so we dont tend to get returns but he seems ok with that.

Girls are far more social than boys. Also the girls have started with numerous sleep overs, boys nil. Girls have far more meet up than boys, also they tend to follow the sheep if one goes to ballet they all do, then it leads to modern, then brownies etc...

Oen good idea is what about asking the mums in the playground what after school activities they children do - football, beavers, karate and maybe see if your DS wants to enrol in any - I tend to share the sessions with other mums one week I will take the child from school for tea and then take both boys to karate and next week the other parent will do it - so you hit the spot you get a playdate/tea and a bit of social.

Why not ask the mums if they fancy grabbing a coffee one mornig for a natter abou the local area as you are new...always get one who want to be the leader...play dumb make out you know nothing!!!

Past

1. playdates, started ball rolling and good idea about doing this over the holidays, will do 1 a week.

1. I hadn't thought of a general park invite but will work out a way to do this

1. I think your right about chatting to DS before school, as someone else said teachers tend not to see socialising in the same way as parents

1. DS does play on equipment, skips, reads etc mostly from what he has said.

1. I think he would always play with someone when asked but will confirm this.

Oh and its Y2. DS does lots of clubs after school but they are all at school, do you mean clubs away from school?

tired One of the other mums said that she has a lot of children over for playdates, some she has over and over again and they never return the favour. I guess people have different things going on in their life like work etc.

I've been for coffee with some of the mums, needs to make more effort. Its not easy this parenting lark

Hi seeingstars:

Our DDs belong to things both at school (after school clubs) and away from school (like swimming and dance). I think someone else wrote about beavers - that kind of thing - maybe football clubs or half-term camp - all helps to make good friends.

In terms of talking to your son before the teacher, I meant that you should ask about whether your DS asks to join in with kids during recess and if when he asks to join in the kids say No.

My DD2 tends to hate asking so would rather start playing on her own somewhere and have people join her. She signals that it is very clear everyone is welcome and these days she always seems to have someone playing with her - last week she built a house for a ladybird and now half the KS1 playground is helping out.

Well Ds is having a friend over this week, arranged yesterday and has had a good day, playing with said friend. I will defintley think about clubs outside of school.

We have children over to play when we are free and I've accepted other parents either don't do playdates or have so much on they just don't have time. It took me a while to understand that though. It's really not a personal thing.

I would have a party at home or organise a big football match in the park. Rope in family / friends to ensure they help the children have a good time. Parents will be grateful and you'll probably get a few playdates out of it.

Also talk to the school and ask them to get the playground assistant to help DS find a game to join in. And I'd second joining clubs etc so he understands school is only one part of his life.

Finally I'd say my DS is reasonably popular but when he moved to his new school aged 6 we did have a time where he felt lonely. It will pass.

I don't know how long your ds has been at the school, but my dd started a new school last September and used to tell me she had no one to play with and went to the Friendship stop (a place to go if you are feeling lonley and Playground Friends should come along to talk and play with you) and no one came!!

Like you it broke my heart that this happened. I mentioned it to the teacher, who said she had noticed she was on her own sometimes and would try and keep an eye on her.

I can honestly say it is only really this term, that I feel she has really now integrated into the group and will instigate games etc., and the children have accepted her in. I wonder if this will be the same with your son.

I was surprised it took so long, she is a fairly confident and outgoing little girl, but if you think about it, they have only known one set of friends since Reception, which is a large part of their little lives, it does take some getting used to.

I think the ideas you have are great and please do know that it will get better and he will start to be included and join in.