How do you "teach" your DC to be more resilient?

[redskyatnight]

As the title says really.
If something goes wrong for DS (7) he tends to go into meltdown, burst into tears, start going on about he is hopeless and can't do anything right etc. And this takes him a long time to "snap out of".

It's mostly not over anything big e.g he couldn't work out the last question on his homework (having done all the rest), I asked him to do his spellings and he forgot ... so I had to remind him again and he started berating himself.

He just seems not to be able to cope with "failure" very well.

Sounds like he has low self esteem. In a rush now but will try and post more later

Whose are the terms like hopeless and failure? I'd be surprised if they were in the vocabulary or experience of a seven year old. Where is he learning to associate such minor problems with negativity? We can all of us look at one more sum to do as "the last little bit". Just like the last few mouthfuls on the plate are the ones that you have to eat before you get your pudding, or the last couple of lines of the story that you have to read before you can go out and play. ie you can look at the last little bit in a negative way or in a positive way, and I'm guessing children get the interpretation from adults.

Just out of interest, do your or DH have low self esteem? I'm only asking this because out of my friends, the DC who are very hard on themselves are DC of parents who are very negative about themselves.

My DS is 6 and is very similar.
He says 'I am stupid, I am stupid' if he gets something wrong, and throws himself about.
He is not far from it - Already doing next years work in maths.
I just wish he knew how wonderful he was.

He doesn't like getting things wrong so is frightened to try to read new words.
It is hard to handle isn't it OP?

Hi

Don't get a complex it's from you. My DS age 7 sounds similar to yours with a similar vocabulary. People who know me in real life would say I was confident/ self-assured. You can be sure I've never called him or anyone else a failure. I tend to think with DS it's perfectionism (not a trait I share) not low self-esteem.

I'm still working on it with DS so if I do something wrong it's "ooops silly me" or "accidents happen". Judging by what I've seen particularly at sports clubs it's not unusual behaviour at all it just needs supporting through.

I have this. Ds1(8) is Aspergers, but even so, has very low self esteem. Which is odd, because dh and I do not at all. And dh has the most sunnyist (almost irritatingly so) persona, so for ds1 to be so incredibly negative, is really hard to see. hard to figure out.
Like Mary Poppins, ds1 seesm to be perfectionist and hates having to try at something, for this fear of getting it wrong. I have no idea where this has come from.

Thanks for replies so far. I agree with those who say it's linked to him being a perfectionist and not wanting to get anything wrong (he's also reluctant to try new things in case he "fails"). We've never used the negative terms around him, but they do seem to be banded about regularly in the school playground (in a playful way) so don't think it's so unusual he knows them.

Still don't know how to deal with it. He does karate, which I hoped would help, but although he loves it, I'm not sure it does!! The strange thing is that in a lot of ways he has loads of confidence - he auditioned for a part in the school play (which is whole school and not many Y3 children got parts) which amazed me - and he is very excited about playing the role he's got.

Mindset by Carol Dweck is worth a read. Teach your son to adopt a 'growth mindset' in other words 'you can get better with practice' rather than a fixed one ' I am never going to be any good at maths and there's nothing I can do about it'. Idea is all can continue to grow and learn from mistakes.

Idea is you should never praise ability but what it took to get the result. The danger is apparently if you can't do something one time you think you lack the ability. You so don't try if you are continually being told 'you are so clever'. Keep praising the process and not the end result in other words.

My dd can be a bit like this, so I have become very aware how I respond to adversity.

I try and always be positive, or find the positive in situations, which I do have to think about, OH however, is always seeing the doom and gloom...i.e. you will fall of of there, be careful...or if you do that you will catch a cold and then won't be able to go to........ If you don't learn your words, you will never get a good job!!! Honestly, it drives me nuts!

I have recently got a book 'How to talk to your kids so they listen....' and it gives several ways to increase self esteem, by the way you praise, which isn't just saying, well done, but actually describing what was done and how it was done. Anyways, I have found it great to make me think about how I approach a situation and think about my responses. In just two weeks, I am seeing big changes in dd.

My OH has read a bit too and is starting to realise how his attitude can affect her - Oh and I used a few of the techniques on him this week, with excellent results!!!

www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054

Thanks for the useful reading material tips. DS (6) is so like the others described above - a really bright boy (not G&T, but above average), but hates to get things wrong and really beats himself up about small things eg"I'm so forgetful", "I'm so clumsy and stupid", "I'm useless". The last one in particular is so hard to hear him say, and clearly whatever DH and I have been doing to support and reassure him isn't working very well.

I don't think it's a confidence thing, as he is quite happy to be the centre of attention, talk to adults etc. There's obviously something in his head that tells him he isn't very good at stuff

It also doesn't help when a school says to your dd that they are 'rubbish' at maths, so you will have to go on the red table!

The school she is at now, doesn't believe in negativity, I have never once seen anything negative in her book, or even accepted in the classroom.

It is so easy for children to pick up on these things.

Hi redskyatnight:

This is a very similar problem to what my DD2 has.

I've tried (with help from teachers/ coaches) to really stress it's the trying your best that matters.

DD2 is at times a [?extreme] perfectionist - and has been since very little (but then it has always been about doing whatever her elder sister was doing - preferably as well).

Our solutions have been to slowly get her to change thinking and intentionally create situations where she's not in competition:

1. praising handling an stressful situtuation without bursting into tears/ getting upset

2. reminding her it is a 'learning situation' nobody expects her to be perfect first time

3. intentionally allowing her to do a few different activities than her sibling (so for once there's no comparison).

4. making a big deal of any return to a task which had previously been 'traumatic' for her and achieving at it (not necessarily being perfect, but managing to do it). [and then making a point of bringing that success after finding it difficult at first back up the next time there's a 'wet lettuce' moment].

I must admit if our school told my daughter that she was rubbish at anything there would be ructions.