So upset and worried about DS1 but don't know if I should be

[stillfrazzled]

I'm nearly in tears after a phone call from my mother and could do with some MN common sense.

DS1 is 4.5 and just starting his third term at school. It is - and I KNOW what this is going to make me sound like but I can't think of any other way to put it - a rough school. A very good school (Oustanding, according to Ofsted) but in a fairly deprived area and with plenty of challenging kids and families.

DS1 is gentle, sweet-natured, not much into traditional 'boy' stuff and just doesn't really fit in. Teacher loves him but says she has a year of mainly boisterous boys (into Ben 10 and shooting stuff) so DS1 usually plays with the girls.

Nothing wrong with that as long as it's his choice, rather than because the boys won't have him - but I'm really worried it's going to end up that way. We've not been invited to a play date or a party yet, I'm only at school to collect three days a week because I work so I'm not making many connections, and I'm worried that he's the token middle class kid who's going to end up bullied or ignored (and again, I know what that sounds like, I would hate me from the sounds of this).

Yesterday Mum picked him up and he was upset, saying he'd had a horrible day and no-one had played with him. By bedtime he'd cheered up and this had been revised to a row with two mates, after which they'd made up - but Mum's just spent half an hour on the phone to me, saying I need to talk to the deputy head and make sure the classes are shaken up next year, and am I sure I shouldn't try to get him into the local over-subscribed church school (I am sure. We do not go to church and I am not going to be a liar even if it would work, which it wouldn't).

I feel awful. I feel I'm setting my lovely gentle little boy up to be isolated and unhappy. I know I'm projecting a bit because this was my experience of school, and mostly he's pretty happy.

I don't know what to do but I have worried about this every day since he started school and I feel like I should do something.

When did you last talk to his teacher? Might be worth asking for an appointment to talk about it again.

As he has a couple of friends, all is not lost. Have you invited either round to yours? If you don't know the parents, can you ask the teacher to pass on the invitation (to make sure it does reach the parent). That's not realky a teacher's role, but when there is a specific issue about friendships, it is reasonable to ask (once) for a bit of extra help.

Re parties - has he given one yet himself? (presumably not if 4.5)? Do you know specifically whether parties are happening that he's being excluded from?

I do understand why you're worried. Your mum doesn't sound like she's helping. Can you talk to his teacher in more depth?

I had his parents' evening appointment before the holiday. Teacher said he was getting on well, playing mainly with girls as more to his taste. She said last year she had several quiet boys he would have loved, but not this year -so she is on the ball, just don't think there's much she can do.

I am really cross with my mum. It's unfair because she's upset, but I have literally worried myself to tears about this lots already and she isn't bloody helping at all.

I don't want things to be hard for him, but I don't think the answer is to whisk him off to another school, esp if it's one that's nothing like the area he lives in, you know?

No parties that I have heard of yet that we haven't been invited to, to be fair. No kids running out waving invites.

Hi, my ds is 5.5, in year one in a very similar school. He started there in the January of reception. He's just recently had his first party invite (I was so pleased!) But he hasn't had any play dates yet (and to be fair, we haven't invited any boys to ours - as he hasn't shown any interest in having anyone back). I only pick up one day a week so I don't know any other parents.

I have worried on and off that he doesn't fit in etc. Especially this year, when they all started playing football at playtime. Until recently he didn't see the point of football at all so he would run around on his own/with the other non-football playing boy!

My approach has been two-fold - 1) I think it's especially important for boys (and men!) to have shared interests - more so than girls, I think. My ds does like all the fighting stuff, Star Wars etc, which is what he plays with the non-footballer, so that's a start. I can understand that you might not want to get yours into that sort of thing, but boys do tend to do a lot of superhero/fighting type play, so an awareness might be useful.

My ds also recently started kicking a ball around and quite enjoying it, so I've taken advantage of the spark of interest while it's there and got him signed up for a term of football training. I don't expect it will be his thing long term (but I may be wrong), however I think it will help him to join in if he understands the rules and can play to an acceptable basic standard! As they get older, it's much easier for boys at playtime if they can just join in the big game of football that's going on.

2. Outside interests/other contacts. We go to church so ds has a few friends there, and we've been having a couple of them round to play every other week. He's also going to start Beavers this term, so that will add another social circle to his life. It's good for kids to mix in different contexts and meet children from different backgrounds.

I hope that helps. To be honest I still worry from time to time!

Thank you, crazycrofter, you sound like a saner version of me.

And you have made me feel much less pathetic about taping Power Rangers and encouraging him to watch it (loathe the bloody rubbish but it's what he plays with the two boys he does play with)...

Football training a good idea, I will see if there are any courses running for summer term. He likes the idea of playing with Daddy (DH a footy fanatic) but loses interest after a minute or two.

Hi Frazzled I just wanted to say my DD is very much in the same boat as your DS. She is also 4 and in reception and has often come home upset because she's had no one to play with. At the end of last term she was also complaining of feeling "ill" in the morning before school (she says she's scared and her tummy hurts) and would beg to stay a home :(

I do wonder if being a young one in the year doesn't help. DD is a summer birthday and many of the other girls in her class have been 5 for a while and some definitely seem older and more 'streetwise'.

There's also a lot of hitting / pushing (mainly from a few of the boisterous boys) and a lot of petty nastiness of the "you are / aren't coming to my party", "you can't play with me if you play with her" type stuff going on, and DD doesn't seem to be able to cope with this and often says she'd rather play by herself!

I've considered changing schools to be honest, but like you we don't she's get in anywhere nearby, and are not sure it would help anyway.

It's hard isn't it? They're so little still and it's difficult to watch their confidence being knocked. I've no advice really but would be interested to hear if anyone else has been in the same situation and if / how it got better...

That's funny, making him watch Power Rangers!! But it's the way to go... The Skylanders game on the wii has also been good recently, as lots of boys like that.

If his dad's into football, I'm sure he will be fine in time. It's the great leveller! My ds has the disadvantage of a dad who hasn't got a clue about football!

You could be describing my DS 4 years ago. August born - youngest in Reception when he started.

Scroll forward to Y4 - he still sometimes plays with the girls and loves it! He also plays with the boys and in mixed groups. Very occasionally he goes to the quiet area if he's not interested in the games being played.

He has best friends and still hates football! He knows it is possible to function in life without it. He is who he is and now has the confidence to be himself.

Some things to consider:

Have a couple of friends round for tea - ignore the 'super parents' who seem to have a brood going home with them every other day - just do it when you can. Invites will be reciprocated.

Don't force him into football if he's not interested - we did that and DS still tells us how miserable it was. Follow his interests & expose him to as many activities as you can.

Parties - do not worry. 4.5 really is early days.

Speak to the teacher - will have heard it all before, but can ensure that the playground supervisors keep an eye and make sure your DS is not isolated & they are great at initiating inclusive games.

DS is a Cub - loves it!! We chose a pack that had very few children from school so that he could develop other friendships for those times when school friendships take the occasional nosedive! Consider Beavers maybe when the right age.

Relax - this too wiill pass!

I think almost every Reception class, regardless of the school catchment etc, will have a certain proportion of lively, football loving boys.

My eldest son was very reluctant to join in the football and fighting type games in infants. All his best friends were girls, he spent a lot of time indoors at the "writing table" in Reception, and was invited to the girls' parties - usually the only boy.

The school has a very mixed catchment, and is very good at getting classes to pull together, and so his character was completely accepted by his classmates.

He's now in Year 3, football and sport mad, popular with boys and girls, and plays with the boys mainly.

I'm now watching DS2 in a similar position in Reception. Doesn't want to play football or fighting games. but is very happy pottering around.

I wouldn't worry too much about playdates, tbh. I agree that clubs outside school are great for expanding friendships, but he still very young. He needs to be encouraged to focus on things he enjoys, and have the confidence to do this. Hopefully, it will all settle down anyway as the children get older.

(btw, the boy who was the "ring leader" in reception, from the "rougher" part of the catchment, and instigated most of the more boisterous games, is now DH1's best friend, very very bright, academic, and kind. Still football mad, though)

Do not listen to your mum - listen to your son. She might not like the school, but from what you've said your son seems fine. MyDS1 always opts to play with thè girls no matter what selection of boys are available - particularly at younger ages the girls are more cerebral than the boys and so if you have a son who prefers imaginative games to shooting/football you'll find they do gravitate towards thè girls. It doesn't mean he's unhappy!

To be honest, I don't think it is possible for a child to be at school without experiencing a few "You're not my friend and more/can't come to my party" moments. If it is a regular thing, especially if it is always the same children saying it, or your ds never has anyone to play with, then it needs to be addressed.
You can also expect the "worst day ever" mellowing into "had an argument then made it up" type days to happen from time to time too.

You say:
"I know I'm projecting a bit because this was my experience of school, and mostly he's pretty happy."

Is this what your mum is doing too? Perhaps she feels bad she didn't do more when you were at school and is projecting this onto you and your DS. It doesn't seem as if she has been very helpful.

I'd try and relax over this for the next term but take some positive actions like:
a) making sure you invite a few children for playdates ( girls if he prefers!) - you could maybe plan some "alternative to football" activities (eg baking or whatever) and you never know, there may be another little boy who really likes it but hasn't had much opportunity to do that sort of thing!

b) think about enrolling him in some out of school activity he would enjoy in order to widen his friendship base (although he may be too young still for many of these.)

c) do activities as a family where he can be alongside other children (again where interests may be shared) I'm thinking of things like activities for kids at local museums/National Trust places/art galleries/zoos or the kind of "build a bird box" activities run by park wardens.

Rather than worrying about what might happen, do keep a bit of an eye out for problems, but try and put your efforts into positives that will build up your DS and help him to feel happy about himself. Children do pick up on parents' ( and grandparents') anxieties so the more you can focus on confidence and building confidence, the more your DS will be able to.

you have described my DD in her first year, well actually perhaps also her second, she is a real tomboy and not at all into the things a lot of the other girls are. She is also in a class with a lot of very strong characters (her teachers expression) most of whom are girls. I don't think she gets as many invitations as the more popular girls, but we just invite over those she actually wants to spend time with, and don't overly worry about the 'one for one' thing with play dates. I had an utterly shitty time at school, and I know this makes me neurotic about her fitting in, so I have to fight myself to chill the heck out and let her know I'm here if she wants to talk or a hand in figuring friendships out...the rest I HAVE to leave to her, because she will be a carbon copy of me if I don't let her learn some of it by experience.
It gets easier to d this, and she is beginning tp settle, but more importantly not to care so much about it all!
We got her into an activity at weekends that she really loves that only one other person in her class does and it had hugely increased her confidence, not least because she has made like minded friends there, which is fab!

Just to note the day my dd2 said was "worst day ever" in year 1, and described in great detail how she'd been in trouble and it wasn't her fault and X, Y and Z and all were involved... turned out to be one child said "I'll tell of you" and didn't.

I'd move him, at this point in the year you're more likely to get him in to a churchy school even if you're not a church goer. For example my son goes to Emmanuel school in west hampstead, every single child who got in in his year last year went to church rwice a week for eighteen months - now there's two little muslim girls in his year. (which is much better it was much too middle class and white for a london school even my son asked why there were no brown children in his class!)
Put his name down for all the schools locally you like, you may get an offer soon.

My ds is probably quite like your ds. In reception there were alot of loud, rough boys and he never got on with them. Hates football. Now in year 1 he has made more friends although he still prefers girls.
This is not a school in a deprived area either. Its a school smack bang in the middle of a private housing estate.
My ds is also keen on coming out with a face like thunder saying it was "his worst day ever". Normally means one child has made a comment which upset him, Never anything serious.
i am sure your ds will be fine but talk to the teacher if you are concerned.