DD in year 2 - struggling with playground behaviour

[caughtupintheratrace]

Right after no sleep last night i need some advice/opinions.
I was called into the deputy head last night, a parent from her class had been in and said her DD has been upset as my DD has been saying spiteful things. The deputy head then went on to say my DD's name had come up few times saying spiteful things.
I was really shocked / surprised as not sure where all this has come from as she is such a lovely little girl. I have spoken to my DD and she has told me she hasn't said anything spiteful, the things she has told me sound like typical 6 year old behaviour e.g your not my friend anymore.
Just not sure what to do from here, my DD is adamant she has not done anything so how can i address it? The school just said have a chat to her over the holidays.
I am also worried as last time my DD got the blame for something it turned out the other child just wanted to get her in trouble after i had not believed her etc.... so i don't want to make the same mistake. Not sure if it is relevent but she is very bright (way ahead of where she should be) but also youngest in the class.

Thr likelihood is that she was unkind to someone. TBH this is not that unusual and there is also every chance she will be on the receiving end at some point because the children obviously have to learn to get along with others. I would probably just talk to her about what is kind and unkind behaviour and reiterate to her that if this comes up again she will be in trouble at home too. Then leave it. It's not worthy of worrying so much about it. I am sure your dd is lovely but all lovely children sometimes say spiteful things to others. (they usually deny saying it later because they have forgotten or because they feel a bit guilty!) Unless it becomes a regular problem, just deal with it, be disapproving and move on.

Maybe your DD isnt that aware of what is OK to say, and what is considered mean? She might need some very specific advice on what is OK and what isnt.

If one child was saying it they might be making it up.If it's a few of them (by the sound of it) then I think it is very unlikely that they are all making it up.

I would say the head makes sure that he/she is on sure ground before saying something.
Does your DD act "stressy" with others? I know a little girl who lords it over her friends by never complementing their pictures or party dresses i.e. points out the imperfections or why the dress isn't good enough. She also has this way of talking to the others in a very alpha-female way. She's smart enough to refrain from this in front of adults but I've overheard a few times. I know the mum and honestly can say she is not like that in any way, so it's a strange one. Could your DD be doing that, not realising that it's not on?

I have never complained about it, but "your not my friend" can be said with spite and when you have had to deal with floods of tears as everyone in the playground has said this to your child that day I could understand how some might comMy DD is not perfect, but I do remind her to think how the words might make someone else feel before she says them.

I have a dd Yr 2, 6 yo and agree with the others. All quite normal and don't worry too much.

If you wanted you could get some soft toys and "act out" a playground scene with your DD, discuss how the various "friends" are feeling and discuss what it means to be a good friend.

I have a book I've used for discussion around this. It is american (so has Americanisms in it) but it does a lovely job of explaining friendships.

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Friend-Friends-Families/dp/0316111538/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1333223716&sr=8-1

Hi caughtupintheratrace

Well first off it is unfortunate that you were called in and led to believe that this is all your DDs fault. I tend to find that 'it takes two' usually applies in all disputes.

What I would say is that you should at least concede that it isn't a good thing for your DD to behave in this way (whether she did or not is a moot point). So over the holidays I'd discuss why saying 'you're not my friend', 'I don't like you', 'You're not invited to my party', 'You can't play with me', etc.. are hurtful.

I find the easiest way to get my DDs (who have also engaged and received this kind of comment) to understand that this isn't appropriate is to ask them if they would like it if somebody said it to them. It is a difficult thing, but it's a useful life skill to learn not to rise to the bait/ avoid unnecessary conflict.

The other thing I've found is that girls can just be really awful to each other - and so I've asked both DDs to develop strategies to either play by themselves or play with other friends who are less 'ratty'. Our KS1 playground has a hopscotch grid and both girls adore playing on it - so I encouraged them to go play hopscotch if things are getting a bit difficult with friends, rather than argue. DD1, now in Y4, also finds she can read in the quiet area of the KS2 playground or even offer to help teachers set up the classroom (a solution an older friend in Y6 has resorted to because there is a group of fairly objectionable and argumentative girls dominating the playground).

I know it is annoying that your daughter has been blamed - but you don't know if the same thing hasn't been said to the other child. Usually schools try to be fair. I'd just let it go, but work to help your DD to avoid engaging in such behaviour again and to develop strategies to entertain herself when the girls she normally plays with are being a bit much.

It doesnt always 'take two', there are some children who struggle with this more than others, and I think that it wouldnt necessarily be obvious to you if your child did have particular difficulties with this. It might be worth the OP asking the school if her DD is fairly typical of her age and stage with this, or if she is standing out in the class.

Thanks so much for all the replies. It has made me think a bit more clearly about it. Apparently her name has been mentioned a few times by children so don't think it is being made up.
She is very bossy, so i am trying to address that and telling her to listen to her friends. Also been talking to her about how to talk to people as she can sometimes "have a bit of attitude with me".
I am hoping that the easter break will calm her down and things will settle down when she returns to school.

I thought maybe i would get this towards the end of primary school, how wrong was i.

Thanks again alot for me to think about, you are all fab x