Bullying issue, kicking in the shins, trowing mud in the face all of this in Y1

[zlaya]

I will try to be short,
DD came home today from school in a terrible mood, frowning at me being very defiant, telling me she hates me and for a good measure tried to kick me in the legs, I was shocked and this was totally out of character for DD who is mostly very well behaved, gentle and caring.
All came to a head at bedtime when she started sobbing, gave me a tight hug and said:
I had a most awful day at school, it turns out, she has been kicked in legs repeatedly today by four children with one little girl who appeared to be a ring leader, making other children do what she wanted them to do, all four of them also threw dirt on DD and told her "If you tell teacher, you will never play with us again, DD didn't tell anybody, thinking all the kicking will stop, but in DD's words it continued again during whole of the afternoon break, her shins were actually sore when we went for a wash in the evening.
I am very upset by all of this, I don't know what to do, nor how to make it better for DD, Shall I talk to the teacher in the morning?
DD is the youngest in the class, academically head to head with a girl (both of them very top of the class) who appeared to lead the taunting today, DD also said: Even the boys who are usually my friends listened to this girl and followed her in this awful behaviour.
My question is, What do I do?
Do I leave this to the teacher to sort out?
How do I beef up my little girl?
Small class, independent school, TIA
When I asked DD "What did you do when they kicked you?"
She said, I asked them to stop, and I didn't kick anybody back mummy, "I didn't want to hurt them.

Tell the teacher, not necessarily letting her know you are doing it. If that's difficult take in a note to the office written on the envelope "Confidential, not to be put in the register".

If you don't let her know you are doing it at the time (you may want to tell her at a later date) then she won't be in an awkward position if one of the others accuses her of telling. She can honestly say she doesn't know how the teacher knows and they will assume they were seen probably.

If there are visible bruises they it can be worth taking a photo for reference.

DeWe thank you, there are no bruises, so no evidence as such, I think I would prefer to talk to the teacher in the morning, which I will undoubtedly, in all honesty I can't see what the teacher can do seeing children break on Friday, and after the holidays I am concern this will continue to go on.
I take on board what you say about confidentiality, DD did say if teacher is to find out about this, I will have no friends, and I will be lonely, it just makes me so sad, they are so young.

Firstly big hugs - its horrible - we've been there too. Definitely tell the teacher - De We's plan sounds good to me.

Similar thing with a girl who was jealous of DD and led a group to knock her over and pound her, but when I met the parents all became clear. Kid was clearly unhappy at home, and was taking it out on others. DD stood up for another child and basically all hell broke loose. I was able to see DD in the playground, and I noticed her body language had changed - basically defeatist, slouching off to hide on her own. It is heartbreaking to see your child like that, and I am glad you found out straight away, as it will be much easier to help her. We didn't.

DD got through it by informing staff and in our case the child in question knew that I knew; I went to the school at the extended playtime when it was the worst with our new puppy - going every day meant DD was prepared to go to school - plus new puppy helpfully rebranded DD in kids minds; me explaining a rational reason why this kid might be behaving that way that was out of DD's control therefore she could feel it was NOT HER FAULT; what she could do to not be picked on; how she could stand up for herself; and most importantly - if a child behaved like that, is she really one that she would want for her friend - why should she care. Once I had got that attitude dinged in her head, then her body language changed, because she didn't want X for her friend, she genuinely didn't care. We also did lots of practice of how to stand up for herself with a confident clear voice and body language. Now she gets on fine with the kid in question, who is desperate to be friends with her, as DD has been moved up a year and out of her class. Still rather volatile and fickle, but DD mostly manages to ignore it.

Ongoing, when issues arise, I now ask her what child A would do and how he deals with this kid. A is very confident, popular and polite, and so I encourage her to copy his phrases and behaviour as a role model.

Some kids say this - but they don't actually mean it permanently at that age. All part of the your my friend today, your not my friend the next day. Problem is our DDs believe them as they aren't wired to behave like that. She has had another kid at a club tell her that if she doesn't give him her snack, then he won't let her play with other friends, and his mother works at the club so he can do what he wants and his mother doesn't like her. She found that really hard to understand as his mother was very friendly to her. My instructions were a very clear - tell him to get stuffed, and if he carries through on his threat of running to mummy, I'll deal with the mother. However she found it really hard to deal with him so it is easier said than done - two faced little brat who was saintly with his mother in view, and a brat as soon as she turned round!

The key is to help your DD stop seeing herself as having to put up with it. Use your own friends as examples - can they imagine X behaving like this to mummy, what do you think mummy would do etc or vice versa. Try to help her understand what real friends do. If they think she doesn't care and will just walk off, the fun will wear off, and it won't be long before they are getting on. I know it is easier said than done, and the situation with DD had me stressed out of my skull at the time. There is a good book, but I can't remember the name - try looking on Amazon - something like bullies and big mouths .......

Anyway good luck - that's my brainstorm of what I did done, and I hope you get it resolved soon. I think alot changes after the holidays. Maybe try and help her find something as a talking point for when she gets back from the holidays that will be positive attention - and maybe the teacher will have a strategy.

ohmygosh123, thank you for that, I see where you are going with boosting DD, teaching her to stand up for herself, we had that conversation this evening at bedtime once she calmed down, and I did try to explain to her importance of real friendship, what is for keeps and what's not.
I also told her to walk away for the girl in question, not to seek her approval and basically show her that she doesn't care.
I will grab five minutes with teacher in the morning and say my piece and take it from there.

I don't approve of making allowances for children who might be upset that someone has told on them. If they're doing something wrong they should expect to get in trouble and the school should make it clear that children who do bad things will be punished. A friend told me yesterday that a boy had punched her daughter in the mouth and cut her. She and her husband have arranged a meeting with the head and class teacher at the beginning of next term. If anything like this happened to my daughter I'd want guarantees from the head and class teacher that it wouldn't happen again and if it did happen again I'd withdraw my daughter until I was satisfied that the head teacher had regained control of her school. No one's going to punch my daughter. How would the teachers like it if I went into the playground and punched them?

It is important zlaya that you do speak to the teacher about this and I would suggest if you have an email for the teacher or school that you confirm the conversation. The school needs to sort this out now whilst the kids are in year1 rather than it become a festering sore throughout the primary school years and on into secondary education.
There is no guarantee that it will stop or even with the school's best efforts that they will stamp out all such behaviour. The teacher can hopefully start to put this right but ultimately it is for the head teacher to ensure that behaviour across the school is good and that is about all staff, teaching and non-teaching clamping down on poor behaviour. The confirming email is the shot across the bows of the school, so they know that they need to take action. Most good schools will respond very sensibly to such poor behaviour but regrettably some will just hope it will go away, they need to understand that you are not going away. If there are any further instances of this bullying behaviour then you need to escalate the complaint in writing to the head teacher.

admission, when you say that there's no guarantee that the behaviour will stop, are you referring to the kicking in the legs? That might continue?

I am saying that there can never be a guarantee that there will not be bad behaviour, no sane headteacher is ever going to guarantee that. A good headteacher will instill appropriate discipline in the school such that poor behaviour is minimised but to say it will never happen is not realistic. It is the same as any head teacher who says that bullying does not happen in their school, they are living in a fantasy world, it will happen occasionally, it is how it is handle afterwards that is important.

Of course. But in the case where it is known who kicked the legs, or who punched my friend's daughter in the mouth, the variables are all known. And when I say a guarantee I mean an absolute guarantee. (Of course I don't mean any kicking in the legs ever, or any punch for the rest of the lifetime of the school.)

I've heard one or two worrying things about tolerating bad behaviour or redefining it as dominant behaviour. If I heard anything from a head which sounded remotely anything like that my daughter would be out of the school immediately and the board of governors would get an immediate explanation.