Big Move...Advice Please!

[secretsquirrel1]

I posted back in August 2011 that I was planning on moving to the other side of the country in July. I'm a SP wih a DD (8).

Right, fast forward to today.

I have sussed out the schools, visited them, done some informal visits to suss out jobs........and am surreptitiously decluttering and decorating to get the house ready to sell. I have also talked to her teacher & her Head.

I have an interview next month, but even if I don't the job we will still be moving.

This weekend I am going to tell DD that we will be moving in July - HELP!!

I would be very grateful for any advice on how to tell her/the best way to tell her/do we go out for the day then I tell her? I don't want to make it complicated, but I certainly don't want to be cold and hard about it.

I can't wait to leave (difficult divorce etc) but I'm very aware that DD is very happy here with lots friends. Which will make it hard. But tell her I must, so that she can become involved with the planning.

Thanks

Bump?

I had to do something similar, my eldest had just started Secondary and my youngest was in year 5 so a little older, but I just had to be honest-we couldn't afford to live where we were and had to move to find a job. I did mention the financial advantages of me working ( more lego went down well!) but really it was a case of "we have to do it, so we need to make the best of it" They were then really involved in looking at houses to live in ( after I had vetted the details received first) sorting out schools and eventually choosing colours/ decorating their new home. Honesty was best for me ( I also had to promise never to move again, a promise I've so far managed to keep!)

Thank you Snowball.

How did you tell them? Did you just sit them down or did you take them out somewhere?

That's very brave of you to promise never to move again.......I won't be doing that!

They knew something was up when I went off for the interview so I mentioned then that I was looking for a job elsewhere ( they also knew that I'd been trying for a job locally for ages but hadn't found one!) Luckily in teaching you are told there and then that you have/haven't got the post so I knew by the time I returned that we were going to have to move. I took them out to celebrate and we went through what it would mean in the pub ( that made them feel a little more grown up about it all!) My youngest has Aspergers and there was no-one he would actually miss, which made it easier for him I think, but my eldest was rather annoyed at first ( and even more so when he had to go sit the 11 plus 2 days later!) so I shamelessly used a combination of bribery and flattery. They were then caught up in the urgency of the move ( we sold the house, packed up and moved in less than 3 weeks!) and it just seemed to work!
I knew that once moved we would have to stay put for a while, luckily teaching at the time was a pretty stable occupation, so wouldn't have to worry too much about breaking my promise!
I think children can be more understanding than we think. If they are aware why you have to move and they become involved in the process you will hopefully be fine!

My DD doesn't know about my sorties away - she thinks I've been at work (I do shifts and she has stayed over at her C/minders). We've had some replastering done so the house is upside down at the moment and she hasn't noticed anything going 'astray'.

Wow, selling and moving in 3 weeks? I have to give 2-3 months notice so it'll be July at the earliest if my house sells & I get the job; that will make it so much easier - new job new home.

Make it sound exciting for her. Something like new friends, brand new bedroom, new garden. Closer to sea/family/shops/play areas etc.
Can't think of much else to help, but good luck.

Thanks Smarties! I'm working on my speech

Acknowledge the sadness/difficulties, missing friends etc. Let her express any upset and accept it for what it is. Then talk about the positives, eg you'll be able to look at new houses together and decide which ones you both like. Maybe you could agree that she can plan the decor for her new bedroom (within reason of course - I know of one 9 year-old who wants leopardskin effect wallpaper ) Are there any particular attractions/positives about the new area that you could emphasise? Talk about how she will be able to invite new classmates for tea etc to help make friends.

Will she be worried about when she will be able to see her Dad or other paternal relatives? (obviously don't know your circumstances and if this will be a particular issue). Can you tell her a plan/strategy so she knows how this will be managed.

This may not be appropriate for an 8 year old, but how about the promise of a laptop/net book once you have moved so that she can use it ( under supervision of course) for emailing old friends?

Great replies! We only moved our dd from one school to another and that was hard, but worse thinking about it than actually doing it in the end! (she is 7). I know moving house is a big difference, but the feeling of loss must be the same.

We put a really positive spin on it, swimming pool at new school, more games etc. etc. One thing I did do which was a big help was give her one of my old mobile phones with a pay as you go sim in it. She then put in all her friends phone numbers and told them she would ring them. I wouldn't normally advocate a phone at her age, but it definately helped give her a little bit of control over what was happening and I think that is the key to a successful move, letting her feel she is involved in it all.

In reality, my dd only rang one friend in the end, the phone that went around with her (not to school), for a week or so, but is now discarded somewhere!

I think you are fantastic to do this on your own and when your dd is older, I am sure she will understand the enormity of what you are doing.

Best of luck with the job - Go Girl!!!

Aw thanks Sarah & KT.

The issue with her dad is that he doesn't drive & is ill so unable to work; for the past 3 years if I didn't drive DD over & collect her every fortnight he wouldn't see her (they live in the middle of nowhere). He lives with his parents; his mum doesn't drive either, father refuses to drive on Fridays (finds rush hour traffic on M25 difficult) and refuses to drive after 12 on Sundays - I think he is losing his nerve a bit (he is 70 after all!). I don't get maintenance, or any thanks/offers of help towards petrol etc.

I don't have a problem with what I've been doing, it's not DDs fault that we split up and I want her to still see her Dad. When we move, I will try to ensure that she sees him regularly. I won't be promising anything though, esp with petrol prices going through the roof!

I am also seeing into the future where in 3-4 years time she probably won't want to spend much time with her dad, especially the way he is going. She probably won't need me as much either....but she sure does now, and I'm hoping that if it's well prepared with acknowledging how sad it will be to be leaving friends behind but then having lots of +ves to look forward to, then it's make it a bit easier when I do the deed!

One of her friends' parents have friends not far from my mother so she'll be able to still see her occaisionally. I have already thought of writing & of emails....and inviting them down. I'm sure she will soon make new friends - I'm not too concerned about that. She is a resilient thing, makes friends every day we go to the beach, for example.

The schools will be a bit of a shock to her - they are minute in comparison to what she has @ present....the largest has about 120 pupils!

We have always moved a lot and deliberately keep it low key - so no big speeches, dramatic announcements etc. if you make a huge deal out of it, the bigger deal she will see it to be and could freak out. (I saw this happen with my own parents who announced we were moving to Bristol as dad had a new job after redundancy). We hadn't been involved at all and had literally no idea it was afoot. My sister (who was about 8/9) lost it completely and cried and ranted and angsted for days. Until my dad turned down the job and we didn't go anywhere.

So, with ours, we just let it be part of ordinary life - ooh, look, this place looks like - we might go there if dad gets a job there. Oh, look, he's got an interview, I wonder if he will get it? Oh, interview today, I wonder how it's going?'

We're always v open with possibilities, encouraging lots of looking at websites at possible schools, recreation centres, dance school, any clubs the dc's enjoy. Sometimes we move, sometimes we don't. We're also v open about how hard it is to move away from friends, start at new schools, but do try to steer the focus towards possibilities, whilst acknowledging the negatives.

I know you've chosen the secrecy route (not sure why? I know some kids would find nebulous possibilities difficult, but you've already said you intend to go anyway, whether you get the job or not?) but I would suggest you start opening up a bit more about the possibility (you don't have to actively tell her it's happening yet as that will be a bit of a shock lol) but please don't do the whole dramatic announcement thing.

Just discuss possibilities with her as naturally as poss.

madwomanintheattic - thank you for your perspective on it.

This is why I am asking for advice on how to tell her; the reason for the 'secrecy' so far is that I didn't see the point in telling her back in January (when I did my groundwork re schools/informal visits for jobs etc) only to have her possibly stressing out for most of the school year!

Her dad (and possibly his parents) will make life very difficult once he finds out....it suits them all if we stay exactly where we are.

I was thinking of using the interview as an opener, of course I don't want it to be dramatic - (I'm not assuming the job is mine either, by the way!) - and that even if I don't get this job I will apply for others so she needs to know that we will definetly be moving. Otherwise she will think that if I don't get it then we won't be moving.

I will have to give 2-3 months notice (whether I get the job or not) which means that I will be as open as I can be and we will have time to plan/visit together re: schools/moving house etc. before end of July. So 3-4 months is hardly 'last minute'.

We have friends in the the area/in the nearest City so she's visited/stayed a few times (unfortunately they don't have children but they have friends who do).

Tis all cool then.

The whole 'interview' thing still makes it into a big deal for an 8yo though.

Hope it goes well. (didn't say you were expecting the job, btw, knew you were intending to move whether or not you got it, so the secrecy re interviews seemed a bit unnecessary) all of that sort of stuff just helps a kid get the idea that you are moving towards a goal.

I do understand the dad thing makes it tricky.

Is he likely to try and prevent you moving, if he has access?

Sorry, Mad, just re-read my last post.....I didn't mean it to come accross as it has .

The access side of things with her dad is all very informal at the moment - we haven't gone through the courts. As it stands, I take her to see him every fortnight then collect afterwards. If he/parents kick up, then we may have to go along that Court route. I have still retained the services of my solicitor for this reason.

We are staying with my mum next week, I will be going for the interview from there so she will know it is definetly happening.

Good luck!

Yes, I'm going to need it...........told her teacher that I was going to do the deed on Sat. So no chickening out!

Update - I told DD on Sat.

There were lots of tears to start with, and I took my cues from her. Her main worry was leaving all her friends behind, so I told her that there are all sorts of ways of keeping in touch and that they could always come to stay; that it would be a big adventure for both of us. And that she could have a pink bedroom (within reason!) when we find a house.

We went to see friends of ours afterwards; my friend re-iterated the same stuff that I'd been telling her, which made it so much easier. She also said that her best friend at 7 was still her best friend now despite her moving away, and this was because they kept in touch.

So she has been telling everyone now - and it will be easier when she goes back to school in 2/52.

Thank you all for helping.

SSX