Issues with a child in ds's class, how best to approach the teacher. V long!

[Curlybrunette]

Hi all,

There are some serious issues with a boy in ds's class (I'll call him Max - not his real name) that I think are being dealt with by the school but I'm getting worried for the children's (and teachers) safety now, it's parents evening this week and I want to ask the teacher about it but I realise there will be confidentiality issues so it is limited what she can tell me, and don't want to annoy her by asking!

DS is in year 1, so just about 6y. There is a huge amount of background with Max, his behaviour is not good, he fights, kicks, disrupts the class, breaks toys, escapes from school whenever he can - hence our lovely new 6 foot fences that now surround the school, unfortunately he can still climb over them :-(

Max went to ds's preschool and although we've never had a problem with him hurting ds in any way, when they were 3 ds told me one evening that Max was 'cheeky', when I asked why he said that he had tried to put things up ds's bottom. I was understandably shocked and questioned ds further and found that it was on the outside of his trousers, he was poking him with a pencil. I spoke to the preschool and said I found it worrying that a 3 year old new that things could go up bottoms, at that point ds didn't know that.

When they were in reception Max got ds and another boy into the playhouse and told ds to pull his pants down and show the other boy his bum and willy. Ds did, and though nothing else happened they were told by Max not to tell anyone else. Luckily ds did tell us. I went into school, again knowing ds was fine, he thought it was quite funny really, but really worried about Max, I spoke to the teacher and told her about the preschool incident and told her I wanted it logging as a safeguarding issue for Max, that I am worried for the little boy that there is some sexual abuse issues going on.

This is what happened last week (there were no parents there to witness but all of the children are saying the same thing so we believe it to be true) Max jumped on a table in the class room, firstly tried to pull the whiteboard off the wall, grabbed a pair of scissors to his neck (blades open) and shouted "I'm going to kil myself, do you all want to see a dead kid in this school", the teacher went over to him, he put his hands around her throat, she got him off and he punched and kicked her and then picked up a chair and started swinging it around the room. At this point the other children were ushered out of the class room. Max was sent home and allowed back a couple of days later, he was caught scaling the fence and trying to escape again and was sent home again on Friday and hasn't been back since.

I really feel for Max, his parents are divorced and someone who knows the family said that his mum can only cope with his behaviour for so long before she packs him off to his dads, who keeps him until he can't stand it anymore and sends him back. His mum won't accept there's anything wrong with him and says he's just a boisterous boy. He has 3 older siblings, 2 of which were expelled from secondary school and the other is still at school but was recently suspended for beating up a teacher and setting fire to a pupil's hair.

I've always felt sorry for him but after the scissor incident last week I can't stop thinking about it and worrying that he could pick up a pair of scissors and put them to someone else's throat. I absolutely love the school but today I forgot my phone when I went out and when I checked it I had a couple of missed calls from the school (about nothing important) but my heart went as I was so worried something serious had happened to ds. I hate feeling like that.

So back to the original question, it's parents evening and I want to know what sort of things I can ask the teacher, work wise ds is doing well, he's a happy little boy who gets on with his work but regarding Max is it acceptable to ask:

1. what systems have you got in place to keep the children and staff safe from further incidents involving Max?
2. was my request for the issue last year to be logged as a safeguarding incident put forward?
3. has this recent issue been reported to the appropriate services as it seems Max has got some serious problems that really need sorting (because if it wasn't I want to report it myself, no 5 year old (he's still 5) should be talking about suicide)

Anything else I should ask, or are Q2 and 3 not good as they would be breaking confidentiality if they told me?

Thanks a lot, sorry it's so long
x

Sorry I have really babbled, didn't realise it'd be soooooo long!

No problem on length - you were admirably clear and unhysterical and actually quite generous in your thinking about Max. However .. this is a situation that would make me very uneasy. You are completely right about the need to speak to someone at the school.

However, I do seriously question whether parents evening is the right venue for this. A parents evening is about discussing your child's progress and forging a relationship with the teacher. Given the seriousness of the disruption and behaviour, it might be more appropriate to approach the head.

I think your first question is very reasonable. I don't think the school could answer 2 or 3 due to confidentiality issues. Also I don't think you could report the 'suicide' incident as you did not actually witness it (but maybe I'm wrong about this).

I also wonder whether the detail you have given might mean the family can be identified, OP.

As a parent I think you have every right to say that you are seriously concerned about the safety of your child given experiences and reports of disruptive behaviour in his class. I think you should also say that you are actively worrying about further incidents and it is affecting your ability to go about your daily business. Say that you would like to know what plans are in place now to keep your child safe. They should be able to respond to all that without breaking any confidentiality.

I'd agree with bowerbird that you could perhaps say that you're aware that parents evening slots are very short, and that you would like to raise these issues urgently with the teacher and the Head.

And tbh I would report your concerns to SS yourself? This reminds me of a child I know (definitely not the same one though).

No one will be more aware of this child and his potential for disruption and potentially risky behaviour than the school. Equally, it is highly likely that behavioural support agencies are involved also. If this latest incident happened as the children have reported it, then the school will of course be acting on it, albeit unbeknownst to the other parents. They may also have more of an idea as to whether it was a serious suicide threat (unlikely) or attention-seeking.
It's a very tricky situation all round - for you as a parent, the other children, the school staff and, not least, Max himself and his family. I think all you can do is express your concern (question one) and have faith in the school that they're dealing with the situation as best they can.
I speak as a teacher who has a very similar-sounding child in my class right now.

I wouldn't discuss the subject at parents' evening, there isn't the time. I would say that you would like to make an appointment to discuss the issue of safety in the classroom as you are getting reports via your son that are alarming you. (Or words to that effect). Does Max not have any 1-to-1 support? The teacher must be desperate. And poor Max obviously

Reasonable to ask what is in place to protect your child.

I can see that you are worried about the child in question, but the school will know better than anyone bar his immediate family about his issues. You don't need to recommend services to them.

This is so serious.

I would want a meeting with the headmaster to complain and express your concern. There sounds like there is a very real risk of harm (emotional and physical) to your children.

If the head could not provide me with sufficient information about the safeguards in place for your child, then I would write to the governors.

Sometimes its about logging complaints in order to enable the school to approach the care-workers/social services around this child to SHOW that more support is needed. I think complaining is actually HELPFUL to the child to ensure they receive more support/financial aid.

This isn't about Max but about the other children and the schools ability to cope. It obviously isn't at the moment.

What exactly should she be complaining about, daytoday?

Lionheart - I hadn't thought about the Max being identified, I am really sorry and hope no one is reading this that knows him or his family. I just wanted to make the situation clear, and not leave foggy details.

Last year in reception Max's behaviour was pretty bad and it ended up that the TA stayed with him all the time and the teacher taught the rest of the class, this year there isn't a TA and the teachers (2 teacher's job sharing) were left to it, after a particularly bad day one parent was having a word about it (I think Max had hurt their child) and the teacher filled up and said she was at her wits end. How awful for her to feel she isn't coping and to cry infront of a parent.

The headmistress eventually got a teaching assistant to help Max but it's mornings only and has said there is absolutely no funding for any further help. Ofsted were in last week and I know most of the parents complained about the situation (we were given a questionnaire to return to Ofsted which including questions about disruptive behaviour etc.). Whether this would help the funding issue if they identified more help was needed (I have no idea whether Ofsted have any say in what money a school is given?). The headmistress was showing them around when they saw Max trying to climb over the fence - I bet she wanted to disappear...

So many parents have been in to see the head, I haven't as of yet as I think there is a bit of a witchhunt feeling going on, some parents just want Max out of the school and away from their kids, I don't like the thought of him being passed on as someone else's problem, the poor boy needs some stability and help but I aren't prepared to let him hurt my child.

Thank you for your advice, I think I'll say something along the lines of Q1 to the teacher and make an appointment with the head. My problem is in moments of high emotion/nerves I have the stupidest habit of crying...when I went into school after the pulling the pants down incident I was crying before I got into the office. Ds's teacher must have thought someone had died or something. I sobbed for about 3 minutes before I could get my words out!!! Dh is most definitely coming with me to any meetings, at least he'll be able to speak if I stop being able to

Curly, I understand but thought the reference to the hair setting on fire incident might be the thing that identifies the family (bet that doesn't happen very often in a school!)

I am a teacher. I would listen to everything you have to say. Never withhold information about children because you think it's not your place. This situation is not fair on your children and it's not fair on Max. And parental pressure is often the push some people in schools need to act - and local authorities to listen.

Thanks, I'll get my letter writing head on, I see what you're saying that it is ok to let them know my worries even if he hasn't directly hurt ds. I didn't want to seem like yet another complaining parent (and there are lots of them at the moment, we are so worried).

I really didn't like my innocent little boy telling me how Max had scissors to his throat and wanted to kill himself. I don't want ds seeing things like that...a really sad situation all round. I'm seeing his teacher after school tomorrow and hopefully will feel better then.