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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

This worried me today

26 replies

mollysmum82 · 15/03/2012 14:20

My daughter is two and a half and I'm constantly debating whether to send her to a nursery soon to prepare her for being without me when she gets to school age. She constantly clings to my side though when around other groups of children so I worry this would break her heart!

Anyway, I was chatting to a friend today who is training to be a primary school teacher. She said one of the children in her Reception placement class is an "elective mute" and she thinks the reason for this is the child had never attended nursery or preschool before coming to school.

This really worried me and I wondered if there was any truth in this or if my friend has got this all wrong? Any advice would be really appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

cocolepew · 15/03/2012 14:22

MY first DD didn't go anywhere before school and I can't shut her up!

Your friend is talking through her arse

SunflowersSmile · 15/03/2012 14:26

I think selective mutism has lots of causes and I would doubt not going to nursery is one of them. I have a clingy 2.6 year old who will go to school nursery in September when 3 years old [if he gets a place]. Tried play group but he simply was not ready to be 'left'. All children are different and you know your child best.

SunflowersSmile · 15/03/2012 14:28

You can always reassess play group/ nursery etc when dd is entitled to free 15 hours- term after 3rd birthday.

treadonthecracks · 15/03/2012 14:32

I'm with sunflower, wait until dd gets her free place and decide then.

My DD was clingy and I made her go at 2 1/2. Wish I'd waited a bit.

GrimmaTheNome · 15/03/2012 14:33

I think if I was you at this stage I'd try to do more activities which involve other children and which you're supposed to take a bit of a back seat (eg IIRC tumbletots you start off very much helping your own child but as they get older they're supposed to do things more independently of you)

Then when (or some time after) she turns 3 maybe try a short session or two a week.

Beanbagz · 15/03/2012 14:44

I don't think you can really put selective mutism down to never having been to nursery or pre school.

My son is very shy (i draw the line as labelling him as selectively mute) despite having been to two different nurseries before starting school. He barely said a word to the teachers at first but was fine with his peer group. At 7 he's more relaxed though he'll never be the outgoing personality that his big sister is.

I would keep taking your DD to play groups and hopefully she'll relax a bit in social situations. It might be best to leave the more structured nursery sessions until you have a free palce.

It takes a lot of patience sometimes!

ripsishere · 15/03/2012 14:48

Your friend is a bit silly IMO.
I've an acquaintance who has five children. Two of them are selectively mute. One did attend nursery, the other didn't. Whether the younger learned from the elder is a possibility.

mollythetortoise · 15/03/2012 14:51

nothing to do with nursery attendance or not.

belindarose · 15/03/2012 14:52

I hope your friend hasn't conveyed this spurious opinion to the worried parents of this child.

CecilyP · 15/03/2012 16:03

Until fairly recently, most children did not go to nursery, so there would have been an awful lot of selective mutes in reception if your friend's theory held any water.

crazygracieuk · 15/03/2012 16:40

Selective mutism is more complex than that.

My sons were clingy and cried when starting nursery/school but they enjoy it now. I know plenty of kids who were very shy/quiet in Reception but so full of beans a few years later that you'd never guess.

My boys lacked confidence when they started school and the school had lots of ways to help them relax into school.

teacherwith2kids · 15/03/2012 17:48

DS talked for England as a toddler, in Pre-school and out.

His chaotic class in his second year at school turned him into a selective mute....so no link to pre-school attendance there....

dikkertjedap · 15/03/2012 19:36

Nonsense I would think. Definitely not my experience. Many reception children who have never been in nursery settle beautifully - I always think because they are school ready and feel secure. I have seen nursery children settle beautifully and I have also seen nursery children who cling and throw massive tantrums in the first few months when starting reception. So I would not worry if I were you, just do what you feel is best.

BackforGood · 15/03/2012 19:52

Some selective mutes go to/have been to Nurseries and Play groups, others haven't. There really isn't a correlation. It's far more complex than that.
I'd personally think it's good for all children to have lots of opportunnities so socialise before they start school, but there's lots of ways to do that, and plenty of time for your dd.

mrz · 15/03/2012 19:57

I've taught two children in reception who were elective mute in nursery.

hels71 · 15/03/2012 20:01

At 2 and a half my DD was very reluctant to leave my side even when we were with children she hd known since birth. In fact, she had rarely spent any time away from me at all and when I was gone she had DH. Just before she was 3 she went to preschool without so much as a backwards glance...something I would never have believed possible. I am VERY glad I did not send her at 2 as so many people insisted I should. (she only went when she did as I was working for a day..)

Jenny70 · 15/03/2012 20:49

Mine all went through clingy phases, and I could never decide whether to

A) enforce separation so they learned to deal with it
B) Keep them close and let them develop that confidence I would always be there for them, allowing them to have the confidence to explore their world knowing they had a safe base to come to.

I went with B and all are very outgoing now as school aged kids. But different children respond differently... seems harsh to separate from them now as it's got to happen sometime... later they have more skills to deal with it.

fabwoman · 15/03/2012 20:51

If you send a child to nursery to prepare them for school, where do you send them to prepare for nursery?

They are at school for 13 years, why rush it?

gabid · 15/03/2012 21:10

DD (3.5) would not talk to or look at an adult she didn't know very, very well until she was 3. She was a bit better with other children. I was very worried when we started her in pre-school 2 mornings. I stayed with her and was prepared to stay until she settled. It took her 2 sessions and she couldn't care less whether I was there or not!!!

DS (now almost 7) was a chatty and lively boy who would talk to anyone at that age. He never liked nursery or pre-school and had a lot more trouble separating.

So, you never know - she might be a confident and independent little girl but you just don't know it yet.

baffledmum · 15/03/2012 21:48

Your friend is giving an opinion supported by what exactly?

My friend's DD, now aged 11, became an elective mute one Christmas from being around noisy family which distressed her.

Elective mutism can be caused by many things but you shouldn't be scared into sending your child to nursery.

It's shame your friend didn't practise silence of her own for the 5 precious second it took to tell you this instead of spouting silly comments.

3duracellbunnies · 15/03/2012 23:52

I agree, it is not helpful, and maybe the reason the child didn't attend nursery was because she was so quiet around other children, she didn't like socialising so her parents decided not to send her before they had to. No proof of causal relationship. Having said that, it would be good for her to socialise a bit more either with you or at a nursery type setting.

Maybe see if you can find one child at first who you invite for coffee with parent, and build it up from there, taking her then to playgroups etc with children she has played with at home. She might be quite different when she is away from you though. Also you could see whether there are any childminders trained in foundation stage (so you can claim free sessions) with spaces, maybe a smaller home environment would suit her better.

A friend had ds (same age as your dd) while I had to go somewhere, and afterwards she said how chatty ds is (probably relieved to have space to talk without his big dd1+2 butting in!) compared to her ds who says very little, but he has settled into preschool without problems.

I think it is good to get them used to being away, but she is still little, will she be oldest or youngest in class? If she won't start until 2014 then I would try to work on social skills for now, and put her into nursery when she is already 3, or even nearly 4. She will develop a lot in that time.

kipperandtiger · 16/03/2012 02:05

Another one here with a kid who didn't go to nursery who does chat to everyone in class. It's more likely that the one or two cases your friend saw didn't get sent to nursery because the child was electively mute or quiet already, rather than the other way around. Besides, nursery itself is usually quite a busy setting (ie lots of kids) and most of them don't look too different from a reception class.

kipperandtiger · 16/03/2012 02:06

selectively mute, even . Elective mute was the old term.

NoDontLickThat · 16/03/2012 02:09

Your friend is training to be a teacher, not a paediatrician, speech and language therapist, or child psychologist, she is qualified to make that assumption, don't listen to her.

NoDontLickThat · 16/03/2012 02:12

* she isn't*qualified

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