Behaviour during Foundation Stage free-flow

[StrongestMummyInTheWorld]

I wonder if anyone has a similar experience and can offer advice. My daughter has a friend who seems to be with her from 9 to 3 continuously. This friend tells my daughter what to do, exactly how to do it, and will not let my daughter play with other children. She follows my daughter around and does things like pinch, push, rip up work, pull hair, call names, or tells my daughter to do these things. My daughter seems to do what she's told, even though afterwards she understands why it was wrong.

The school has had both girls under constant observation, they say, but this has now been going on for six months and I don't see an improvement. The school are refusing to split the girls up saying EYFS curriculum doesn't allow it. School insist that the girl is not a bully, this is not bullying, it is merely "dominant" behaviour. (Rolls eyes at the semantics).

If anyone has any suggestions could you post them? Thanks in advance.

Go back and see the teacher and the head and firmly insist on on action plan. Do not leave the premises until you have written confirmation of what actions they will take. Make your own notes and read the salient points back to them at the end. I wouldn't be tolerating this tbh, it is bullying, and it is the schools responsibility.

I agree with PP. That's not acceptable. Nor can I think it is standard. DD's school makes a big deal about encouraging children to mix with a variety of others. (to the point where it shuffles the classes every year and deliberately splits up children who spend lots of time together).

I went into a post office with a gun yesterday. The clerk said is this a robbery? I said no. It's dominant behaviour.

Definitely speak to the teacher again. You could also try teaching your DD some stock phrases like "I want to play with x now" "stop, I don't like that" etc. I've tried to drive home with my dd that she doesn't have to play with the same kids all the time and she can be friends with lots of children. I'm trying to get her to be more assertive with her best friend who is quite bossy. It's working slowly.

they should interrvene in behaviour that is not socially acceptable. ask them what they are doing, be open minded, how do you know this is happening 9-3 ?

My ds had this with another little boy throughout nursery. It wasn't as bad as you describe as the other boy was not nasty but very controlling. They always had to play the games he chose and ds had to play the "minor" characters. He insisted on ds sitting beside him at lunch etc and wouldn't let ds play with anyone else. The teachers saw what was happening and would put them into different groups for activities and separate them at lunch. I was worried that when they started P1 the other boys excitable behaviour would lead ds into trouble. Luckily he lived out of catchment for the school and his mother decided to move him.

I would meet with her teacher and the school and get them separated.

Thank you so much for the replies. Because this has gone on for so long I really had got worn down. My daughter loves school so much, and when her friend is not being horrid she is a smashing kid. And the friend's homelife is so chaotic, I feel sorry for her. The other kids find the girl so difficult, only my daughter will play with her. I think the teachers get tired and after setting up all the wonderful activities and dealing with the obvious violent outbursts, one kid being stuck with another all day is off the bottom of the to-do list.

Eragon, I was thinking myself, this can't really be all day, kids tend to use "all the time" to mean " a lot" or just "more than I like". Like letsblowthistacostand says, I feel it's also to do with my daughter not being assertive enough. But whatever the truth, there have been a couple of verifiable incidents lately.

redsky and jubilee thank you so much, that's what I need to hear, that in other places the teachers will intervene and mix the kids up.

Have taken deep breath and arranged another meeting with the teacher.

My daughter is in reception also. She has a really good friend - mostly developed because I'm good friends with her mother and they saw each other a lot over the summer holidays last year.

At one point my DD got a little 'obsessive' (teacher's words not mine) about the friendship. There was absolutely no bullying involved but my DD was upset if the other girl wanted to be with others etc. Basically, at 4 she didn't understand that if a friend plays with others it isn't because they are no longer friends etc. The teacher worked hard on helping her through this and communicated with me. We've spoken about it at home to her too and happily she's come out the other side. It was strange because they were all in the same class last year (preschool) and she had lots of friends. It seemed to be a stage. Her and her friend are still pretty inseparable but it is no longer a challenging relationship and they are happy including others too. What I am trying to say is that the school got involved in this when it was not nearly as unhealthy as what you are describing so yes, they should actively be doing something to intervene.

Part of the EYFS framework includes the development of 'Personal, Social and Emotional Development'. This child needs help here to understand others. There's also an aspect in it about 'standing up for myself' which would apply to your daughter.

I'd recommend you ask for a copy of the EYFS development stages from them. Read it and throw it back at the school showing them how EYFS supports what the children need to develop exactly. If you need help with this just ask.

Oh and I'd also ask for a copy of the school's anti bullying policy. If they don't address the issue and the head is also denying existence of bullying then it may require going to the governors.

I'd also like to note that at this stage the other child is probably pretty unaware of the impact they are having on your daughter so they are in essence a very innocent party but that is exactly why they need adult intervention to help them see how to behave.

Update - teacher asked to see me straight away. Explained they had been very concerned as the pair seemed joined at the hip and the teachers had been gently directing them to play with others, only to see them wander back to each other - my daughter as much as her friend. But just since half term the teachers had noticed other children being included. Then the teacher promised some new ideas for teaching the whole class about friendships and also about standing up for themselves. I find out all about that because every circle time topic has a worksheet that comes home.
Thanks for the replies.