Yr1 girl friendships...

[plus3]

This could be long, sorry.

My DD is friends with a girl who effectively bullies her, and everyone else. They are part of group of 4, and this little girl is playing them all off against one another - 'don't play with her or I will hit you' She is also quite rough with them, pushing them over etc.

My DD has only just started telling me this, so I went to her teacher & she encouraged dd to tell whenever this happened. dd took this to heart to the point of her then being told off for telling tales (actually it was just happening this frequently...)

Spoke to one of the other girl's mum to see if it was just my DD, and she was horrified to hear what her DD said. Mum is talking to the teacher tonight.

The problem is that I am aware that there are family problems & I don't want to add to them, but at the same time, this situation is not acceptable for my DD to be in. I had a similar 'friend'at secondary school who played me & it effectively destroyed my self esteem at the time. I want my DD to be happy & confident at school & not beholden to this girl.

Any advice?

Anyone?

Hello I noticed you were still waiting for a reply so thought I would do my best. My eldest is in a similar situation but for some reason still plays with the girl who treats her meanly and considers her a friend. (she doesn't get hit thought).

I am trying to show her what it means to be a friend and pointing out that other girls and boys she plays with are not bossy and mean.

Trying to make her see that this is not how a friend behaves. Does that make sense? Would that help your daughter and the other girls or has it gone past that?

I think talking to the school is a good idea as that is where the issue will be effectively dealt with. At the dcs' school they have adopted approaches where they sit the affected group down and talk about what behaviour is good and bad and what makes people unhappy and then look at how they can deal with what makes them unhappy. This would be things like telling the other person, going away and playing with someone else or at their age, telling a teacher.

The other thing that you can do is teach your daughter to deal with this girl's games. "I don't think that is very nice" and walk away works quite well.

The other thing I would do is foster friendships with the other girls outside school so that there is a stronger bond between them and your dd than with the bullying child.

Oh, and finally, don't end up getting really upset by it yourself (have been there and it doesn't help at all).

Thank you - have spoken to DD about walking away & playing with others, & what constitutes friendship, but she seems to gravitate back to this group.

Think I will try play dates with others - and encourage a wider group of friends. She is only 5!!
tbh there are 12 girls in the class, and I don't want everyone ganging up against this family.

My DS went through a stage of bashing his friends in reception/yr1 (although his was down to frustration due to SEN) so know who it feels to be the parent of the troublesome child.

We are in an identical situation (4 girls in year 1 - with one being a verbal and physical bully). My DD has been hit but has been (too?) calm while one of the other girls has been very badly impacted and doesn't want to go to school. Her mother escalated it to the school (teacher/head meetings) and they appear to be taking it seriously (meetings with the other parents involved/special talks in class on behaviour, etc).

However, there is a limit to what the school can do when the kids seem to still gravitate together. We have tried to encourage our daughter to seek out other kids to play with (easier said than done) and to also be firm but polite in telling the bully that her behaviour is unacceptable. I am a little concerned that she is too calm and willing to put up with physical/verabl abuse. She seems concerned the "bad kid" has no friends and sees it as her role to try to integrate her into "normal" behaviour.

One of the big threats the bully uses is to threaten she will tell the teacher that the kids won't play with her. Fortunately now the teacher is aware of the situation and my daughter know that and (largely) understands that won't have negative consequences for DD or her friends.

What I've done in the past, and has worked well, is to give the group of girls a 'friendship book' to write in. As your DD is year 1, this would have to be led by an adult.

I would suggest to the teacher that:

• an adult is 'assigned' the job of keeping an eye out on the group. If the class TA is out on duty frequently, then this would be ideal.

• the group meets together once a week to talk about their friendship. An adult scribes what the children say. In the exact language the children use. Each child speaks individually and no-one interrupts. Everyone gets a turn to turn if they want to.

• when there has been an issue (such as when your DD wants to tell the teacher), then DD and TA spend 5 minutes with the friendship book, and TA scribes DD's problem.

• this should be available to all of the children involved.

I have found it a useful way of recording repeated behaviour as well as judging whether the children are being over-sensitive (which sometimes they are!).

I think you should also consider why this other child is so insecure that they have to control their friends. It sounds like a potential child protection issue. Although 6 year olds are frequently rude/ thoughtless to one another, it sounds like that child is hurting quite a lot too.

I know you are concerned for your DD, and obviously her happiness is your priority. It's just a shame if the other child doesn't have someone at home who cares in the same way.

We had similar issues in yr1; some pinching etc, but mainly 'if you don't play with me every day I won't be your friend ever again'. Also sometimes being friendly sometimes being nasty. She came to play once and was shutting dd2 and her little friend out of their bedroom, telling dd1 she had to play x y and z. There are no obvious mitigating family circumstances and maybe in a year or two she will realise that she can't dominate everyone.

We did talk to the teacher, which helped a little, but the main thing we did was reiterating what real friends do and don't do, little role plays with me and dh or dh and dd etc playing different roles. Eventually dd has seen the behaviour as not nice and doesn't play with the girl anymore. She was told off at school for saying once to the girl that she didn't want to play with her, I didn't challenge the school on it, but in my view my child has a right to decide who she will and won't play with. I think saying will only be friends if play with her everyday is controlling, while saying 'I don't want to play with you' is ok, considering the history. Dd1 is much much happier at school now without worrying whether this girl will want to play or not, and what nasty things she will say or try to get dd1 to do. We did also put more of an emphasis on playing with other friends on play dates. It sounds as if you have one mum on board already so a few play dates together and both families giving the same message might help.

I do feel a bit sorry for the girl, who now tends to just play with one other child (according to dd), however to an extent that is up to the school and parents to address. We didn't want dd to have a model of a friendship as one where a person has to do things to placate another one, and when one person can tell another what to do. Would rather she learns it now than with a boyfriend when she is 18 (as long as she does remember).

Thank you for the replies.

The problem is that I know there are issues with this little girl and her mum - think mum is incredibly stressed & is a lone parent. At parties she speaks to her daughter so roughly - she smacks her bottom in front of everyone & tells everyone how awful she is.

I don't know how far to support a friendship in the hope it will beneficial to this girl, without it being detrimental to my DD. ( that sounds quite patronising, it's not intended to be)

It sounds as if it already is detrimental, she is scared of this girl. I do talk to my dd about how it is important to be nice to everyone, even if they aren't nice to her, but there is a difference between being nice and including someone in group games etc, and having them as an important friend. A friend shouldn't say 'I will only do x if you do y, or I will hit you if you don't play with me. A friend is someone you actively seek out in the playground and whom you want to be with, and at their age, probably copy. I would try to encourage her to see this girl as someone in her class whom she can choose to play with if she wants to, but that if the other girl starts putting conditions on it then she needs to stand up for what she wants to do.

I would maybe talk to the teachers again, as they are better placed than a 5yr old to help this child, and get them to support your dd more that they don't accuse her of telling tales, but see it as an oportunity to help this girl with her social interaction.