How far would you take this concern?

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

I had an arrangement today for DS (aged 7) to go to a friend's house after school. I had arranged with the friend's mother that we would meet after school and decide then whether she would take him or I would drop him at hers.

When I went to pick up two after school children and my DS today, I was told that "all the children from the class have gone with whomever they were suppose to go with". DS was gone.

I had not given the school permission to let DS go with anyone else - I told the supply teacher who was on duty at "handover" that I had not given permission: she apologised and said that she thought DS could go with the mother of the boy in his class.

I phoned the mum and DS is with her and I will collect him later. I know where she lives and have been to her home before - that's all fine.

But I am so cross with the school that they let DS go with someone else without my say so. DH is livid.

I called the head and talked to her about it and she apologised saying that she will tighten up procedures and make sure all supply staff know the procedure for letting children go at the end of the day.

DH wants to complain in writing and take matters further. I am not sure if we should do this.

Apologies that this is so long! What would you do? Leave things as they are, or complain in writing, which will of course mean an investigation and a reply in writing. Should I do this?

i would be more annoyed at the other childs mother for not waiting for you as arranged and then just taking your child with her, surly she knows the rules just as much as you do, i would not blame the school, they have apologised id leave it at that tbh

Let it drop! Its this type of thing that makes it a complete buearcratic nightmare schools and impossible for parents to make arrangements ad-hoc with other parents who aren't on the 'list'.

I wouldn't take this further.

After talking to the Head, I tend to agree with MrsGuy and yes, the mother should not have taken DS without my say so.

Thanks for the replies. I needed some perspective.

They've apologised and said they will tighten up procedures etc. What more do you want them to do?

I agree - it's the mother's error, not really the school. Your DS and his friend probably told the teacher what they were having tea together so it didn't look unlikely when the other mother picked them both up.

TBH, it sounds like a misunderstanding. The host mother taking the guest is usually the way it works isn't it?

It was a misunderstanding from the mother's side: when we arranged to meet after school, I had 5 kids with me (childminding) so could not stop and chat and think and arrange what to do! I did not know if she had a car seat, for instance, so wanted to meet her and then arrange who would take DS to her home.

However, the school should not have let DS go without my permission. I have had to wait for the school to ring parents when they forgot to let the school know I was collecting them. So, they do have a system in place.

I don't think that for me would be a school issue. I'll bet your ds said he was going with the other child.

If you want perspective for another issue is I'd arranged for my dd1 to be picked up once because I had a hospital appointment in London. Parent forgot and arranged for friends of her children to come leaving no space for my dd. At the juniors the children aren't met in class, but hers walk down 5 minutes down the road to her car. He child told my dd1 that firstly her mum had forgotten and there was no space in the car. Secondly that she was going to make sure she got out quickly and got her mum to drive away without her. Luckily my dd1 caught up with them, but if she hadn't she would have been left not on school grounds, with me and dh both about an hour away and not easily contactable.

From the schools perspective this is a safeguarding issue and one that they clearly have to improve. The question really is whether this is an isolated incident with a supply teacher, which means they need to give more instructions to the supply teacher or whether this is just lax procedure at the end of the day

My inclination is to write to the school head teacher, thank them for being so helpful but expressing your concern that this happened and that you are pleased that the school is going to tighten up procedures.

In effect you are putting them on notice that any more incidents are not going to be acceptable, you are documenting it for further use and you have gently reminded the head teacher they need to do something. I think you have to accept that you, your child, your child's friend and the child's friends mother all bear responsibility for what was miss-communication about what the arrangements were, that is not the fault of the school.

I agree with admission.
This is a safeguarding issue. The supply should not have let a child go with an adult that you had not previously given permission to act on your behalf.
As you said - you had to discuss safe travel arrangements etc.
Write a polite letter as admission says. But there are huge implications for the school in sending children out with adults that are not approved. Just because a child recognises someone, and is happy to go with them, does not mean that they will be safe with them.
At a previous school, one child was not allowed to go with any member of her mothers family - for fear of abduction overseas. What if an aunt/uncle from this side of the family had gone to the door and introduced themselves to the supply, child had confirmed the relationship and off they went?
Sometimes only a formal complaint will make the matter be addressed effectively.

I would be cross with both the school and the other parent! The supply should not have let your daughter go home with someone else. If she wasn't sure what the procedure was, she should have asked...

IMO, supply teacher is between a rock and a hard place.

She's letting the dcs out 1 by 1. Friend says "there's my Mum" (she obviously has to believe the children as won't know any Mums). ds's friend says "All's ds is coming home with us". ds agrees. ds's friend's Mum agrees. Why would the supply teacher be expected to know this isn't the expected arrangement ?

I think you perhaps needed to be clearer about the arrangements with the other mum and your ds rather than blaming the school.

Yes, the supply teacher was probably in a very difficult situation - hindsight is 20/20, as they say and, in hindsight, she should have double-checked the procedure. The other parent should have at least phoned the OP.

Don't encourage them to tighten it too much. My DDs school is really strict and it's a real PITA if you're running late and you can't just ask a friend to pick them up for you, and vice versa. It all has to gothrough the office in writing first -really useful

The Head caught me at school the next morning and apologised again. I don't mean this to be a drip feed, but it had happened this academic year that a boy went missing for a while because the teacher let him go without checking that he was going to his mother. It was from the same class as DS though this was the usual teacher and not supply.

So I do believe that they need to tighten up their system. The Head said to me the following morning that while the supply teachers are given a folder of papers once of which is the going home procedure, she needs to ensure that they follow protocol.

I am not taking the matter any further because I am extremely happy with the school and have enormous respect for the Head and her staff. It is not my intention to cause them any grief, but I do believe that they made a mistake. DS was in the school's care and the school let him go with someone who did not have authority to take him.

Anyway, in the end no harm was done. The school will look at their procedures again and hopefully the children will be protected without causing enormous inconvenience for parents and carers collecting them. I would, however, rather than a pain in the arse system for collection that not know where my kid is.

It would not bother me, it has happened before to us.
Depends on age, but at some point children are expected to know who they are supposed to go home with, and as long as child confirms, adults usually trust them.
I read Man and Boy recently, only published in about 2001, it mentions the dad taking home his reception-age son's best friend (a little girl), when the girl's usual adult doesn't turn up. School staff in the story obviously think this is entirely reasonable. I could have wiped tears away from my eyes at the possibility nowadays.

AllIwantisaroomsomewhere:

I can understand that you had a scare - it would scare me too - but it is clear that there was some form of mix-up between you and the other mother and the school. The school clearly are very concerned about it all and communicating well with you.

But this sounds like this is an issue for you. So why not make it your problem. I would write to the school formally and say that you request that your child is never released to another parent unless they have received written instructions otherwise.

Then when you arrange a play date the responsibility is yours to contact the school in advance and notify them that X will be collecting your DS after school.

I think most schools try very hard to ensure that kids get off safely at the end of the school day - but there are days when it is a supply teacher and there are so many children to deal with it probably is no surprise that sometimes it gets a bit confusing.

So I think you should take this incident as a warning. You can't expect the school to keep a beedy eye on your DS with so many children in their care - so how can you ensure that something like this doesn't happen again? Take the responsibility off the school.

I find that a quick e-mail to the school or text just confirming another parent will be collecting one or both of my DDs for play date, etc... just helps to clarify what is going on for everyone. I also have on one occasion had a friend go to the school who hasn't seen before collect my DD because of a family crisis - I e-mailed a picture and sent a password for collection. The school confirmed receipt of information and the collection (including request for password) all worked beautifully.

HTH

I am amazed that, at the age of 7, children are still collected from their classrooms. In our school parents sign out children from the nursery classrooms but once they start school the bell rings and the children leave the class and meet their parents at the main gate, somewhere up the road or walk home. I've never had a problem with it and I'm pretty precious.

In the past, I would have said let it drop, and agree it is a PITA if it becomes so tight that no-one else can pick your child up. However, when DD first went to secondary school, I went to pick her up for an appointment, and the receptionist had to do a computer check before I she would let me take her. She explained it is for child protection reasons (e.g. where there is a court order preventing one parent or the other/some other family member having contact) Just to give another perspective on the situation and the need for some vigilance/rules relating to collection of children.

DS is 7 in yr3. I thought they would just let them out now in KS2 (quiet village) and they did for a few weeks but there must have been an incident because now we have to be in view of teacher. Written permission is required if it's not going to be you.

There is no sense in blaming other people for things. Make firm arrangements for your children and make sure other people don't forget. Don't just assume the other parent has remembered or will act correctly. Phone and check.

When things go wrong it's not always somebody else's fault.

I really appreciate everyone's input. Thanks. Good to see other's perspectives.