Is there a tried and tested way to make a child MORE popular?

[ksld]

DS is in Year 3 of a one form entry village school. There are 30 children in the class, 20 of them boys. The most popular child seems to change each year, but the child is drawn from a small group of the popular ones. DS is on the fringes of the cool and popular group. They put up with him, but he never gets invited round and never gets party invites.

There was a group of them in the playground today excitedly discussing the latest party and DS went up to them as he considers them all his friends, but was completely blanked as they shouted for the more popular boy, on his way over to them, to give him his invite.

So DS fits in alright, he says he's not left alone to play and that they include him. He plays football with the group after school once a week. Is there actually any way to make him more popular with them so he is part of the group more, or is it just completely arbitrary and nothing I can do to help?

Have tried inviting them round to play but the 'cool' kids DS really likes won't come. And I don't know how to make sure the play time is 'cool' enough as we don't have anything 'extra' to offer - they all have playstations/wiis/DSs/own TVs etc which we don't. I think we are not a 'cool' family so do I have to accept that DS will always be like this on the fringes not quite accepted?

Forget making him the most popular or the coolest.

Concentrate on helping him fit in and be happy.

I don't think it's arbitrary which kids are popular and cool - but there's a whole host of ways of behaving, etc that help, and it may just not be how your DS is. Some of the traits that go with being popular aren't even always that nice (an ability to make sure everyone knows you're top dog, tolerating no rivals, following fashions, etc)

As long as your DS has friends he'll be fine. Invite the ones he likes playing with most round to tea, not the most popular ones.

I think it's a bit of a backward step to suffer inferiority complexes on behalf of your children. If your son is happy with his family and his school then you should be happy too. Life is about more than wiis or whatever your list consists of. The only thing in it that I understood was having a TV in the room. My family didn't even have a TV in the whole house and it didn't do me any harm.

Teach your children the things you think are important in life, orienteering, sailing, whatever, whatever. And most of all support them in the things they love. I'd much rather have a friend I like than ten friends I don't really like with wiis and consoles and whatever else you've mentioned.

As a grown up I avoid people who sit around playing with their phones and gadgets. I can't think why I'd have wanted them as friends when I was younger.

Oh dear I don't think I've made myself very clear. I don't want him to be the most popular or coolest kid in the class. I love my DS and think he's the best anyway. I was asking the question because the boys DS likes and thinks are his friends are the cool ones, and DS is unhappy because they don't invite him to their houses or parties, and don't want to come here. He is not happy and he doesn't fit in because the group he chooses/wants as his friends is this cool group that isn't including him.

learnandday - I don't really understand what you mean by having an inferiority complex on behalf of my children? Do you mean because I said we are not a 'cool' family? To clarify I meant in the eyes of a 7/8 year old we are not cool enough for the kids to want particularly to come visit.

DS just wants the friends he likes to like him - but the 7/8 year old boys of my experience are shallow enough to care about things like a TV in a bedroom even if adults don't.

Does he ever invite anyone but the "cool" kids around to play? I would start inviting other kids over regularly. The other thing I would do is try to get him involved in something after school which is not school based, where kids come from other schools.
I would also talk to the teacher and make sure they are monitoring the situation.

Why is he keen to be friends with the boys who don't treat him like a friend? Is he drawn to them because they are cool? And are there other boys out of the 20 that he also likes that he could be friendly with instead?

IMO looking for things to change about yourself or your home life to fit in with the cool kids is risky. I'd be encouraging him to think about why he wants to be friends with a group that deliberately doesn't want to include him, and on developing different friendships where he is valued.

I would be telling my child that if someone didn't want to come to our house because he doesn't think we are "cool" enough, then that child is not my DS friend. I think by trying ti think of ways to make yourselves seem more attractive to people like that is giving very bad messages to your son

Why are the 'cool' children's parents letting them behave like this? And could the school promote more social inclusion?

It does sound a bit more your problem than his

i don't think my 7 year old ds' would know who the cool kids are
he knows some like playing footie and he tends to hang out with the ones who like doctor who cards like he does

Agree with everyone else. Shocked at how shallow these boys sound at such a young age TBH as it's not my experience.

My son is only 6 so a tad younger but I find that, although initially they all want to do wii/computer games etc I tend to not allow that when kids come to tea and they are easilly distracted with other things which they enjoy.

I agree that if these boys aren't incluing your son at this point then nothing you can do, short of bribing them, is going to change that and your son is better of trying to make real friends. It sounds like there are other boys to befriend.

I think it is quite healthy to have groups of friends from interests outside school, it gives a child confidence beyond their school status or identity. I don't think buying him things or manipulating the school group is possible, or desirable as a parent, but you can make it less dominant in his sense of self. If something upsetting happens at school and your out-of-school friends still see you as the same person, it can help give perspective (not that big a deal that you had a bit of toilet paper trailing off your shoe, for example, or that one person ignored you). You can't stop things happening, but you can make them matter less by encouraging something he likes away from school.

How do you know they won't come because "he's not cool enough"? Are you/him assuming or have you tried asking the parents?

My experience at all primary ages is that generally children are happy to be invited by anyone as long as it's not someone who will be nasty to them. Don't think I've ever had a invitation of after school play refused by any child/parent even if they're not good friends. My dc are not in the "popular" crowd btw.

Personally I would be encouraging a different friendship group for your son. It will be damaging his self confidence to chase after boys who aren't bothered about being friends with him. If the cool group is basically all of the other boys in the class then you have a problem but I'm guessing that's not the case.

Do you get on with their mums? In younger infants, children whose mums were friends often gravitated towards each other. Is that the case with these boys?

Perhaps if he likes football you could try getting him into a team? Then he would have another group of friends outside school. My son has played for a team since he was 7 and now he's always socialised with the boys on the team as well as a couple of people from school. Now most of them are at the same secondary, his closest friends are all boys from the football team.

I'd be encouraging him to look at other friendships, tbh. In fact, I did. With my own DS. Being made to feel left out, or grateful just because the 'cool' kids speak to you sometimes is a sure fire way to have self esteem issues, ime. So when it was DS aching to be 'cool' and not being let in to the inner sanctum, I just steered him towards some other kids who weren't 'cool' but were fun, friendly, inclusive. And he is much happier for it.

OP, I started a thread recently on what makes children popular/unpopular. It got quite long and there was a range of views, but confidence seems to be a major factor. Perhaps you could work on building your DS's confidence, as this will help him in all sorts of ways, regardless of what it does to his popularity. Positivity, enthusiasm, kindness and fairness were others.

My dd is one of the popular ones - she seems to have some sort of magnetic power that attracts other kids. I don't know what it is, I was never popular myself. We are certainly not a cool family by any stretch of the imagination. And she doesn't have loads of gadgets either.

I do agree with the other posters that it would be worth encouraging other friendships. The popular kids aren't necessarily the nicest, and your DS will get much more out of friendships which are truly reciprocated. Perhaps you need to focus less on making DS more popular and more on helping him to understand and appreciate the value of true friendship?

It's charisma HoneyandHaycorns. My husband and son have it but neither me or my daughter have it.

You can't identify it but it is a magnet like you say. My son isn't even confident and his shyness makes him appear actually quite rude to them at times when they come up to him in the playground (ie if he doesn't respond or turns his back - less so now, but in reception) but they all seem to clamber for his attention nonetheless.

It's weird, isn't it father - especially for someone like me who was never one of the in-crowd.

Confidence in being himself is the key. I have a year 3 son, and was quietly worried about what would happen at school, because of my own experience (wasn't part of the "cool" group when I was young, took me ages to find any confidence with my peers etc).

I decided when he was a baby that the only way forward was to teach him to be confident in himself, and to be proud of the things that he enjoys and is good at.

He started reception in a school where he knew no one, and a large group of boys were already friends. He kept his distance at first - I remember his first Parents' Evening, when his teacher said that this group of boys "interested" him, but he was holding back, which was fine.

I am actually so proud of him - he has gained confidence over the years, loves school work, joins every club he can, plays tennis and football, has lots of close friends, including the original group of boys, and was voted class rep this year.

It is no good trying to be cool. Gadgets etc only work if there is a common interest (we have got a Wii, and Fifa 12 is a popular topic of conversation, but so is BeastQuest, Mathletics, and the Premier League in general). What is important is that he is happy, confident, and has interests he has some element of passion about. The friendships will follow.

DS1 goes to a Holiday Club, plays football and tennis outside school, does a music class, and swimming lessons. He is still quite a shy boy, but has friends from all the clubs.

I wouldn't bother with playdates, or trying to get in with the "cool" chidlren, unless the boys are arranging them themselves (asking if so and so can play etc), but concentrate on getting him to have fun with lots of children, and making friends that way.

Why won't they come to play? Do you know the reason or just assuming? Have you arranged anything with the mums?

I really wouldn't draw attention to it tbh if he's happy. They are probably all muddling along in the very self absorbed way that boys have and to label your DS as unpopular if it hasn't occurred to him might do more harm than good.

I understand your worries and obviously if he's upset by it then try to pursue other friendships or talk to the teacher but if he's happy I'd let them all choose their own friends in their own time.

I was moved from school to school when I was young. I think I went to four primary schools and five secondary schools, rural and urban and I don't think I ever saw a cool group once. Mind you, that was a long time ago. I guess things must have changed since then.

Hmm... I have 3 at primary and don't know a cool group of kids either. There are
Groups with glamorous mums, groups of loud kids, groups of socially (or academically)confident kids... To my kids, cool kids are amazing at skipping/football/it/scooter stunts... so physical feats really.

When my son was in Year 2 he had friends in the class but was a little sad to find that a particular group of boys wouldn't let him play games at playtime because he wasn't in their club. This club comprised quite a few kids, including some of my son's friends, just it didn't include my son.

I advised my son to set up his own club. When I said this I didn't actually think he'd really put this into action, it was more I was trying to get the message across that he shouldn't bother trying to be part of a club where they don't want him, he should do his own thing (set up his own club even) and that people would soon seek him out.

However, he did go and set up his own club and unlike the first club my son's club accepted everyone who wanted to be a member.

He is now in year 3 and (according to my son), it is my son who now decides what they play at playtime (This wasn't exactly music to my ears - who wants one dictator being replaced by another after all. So we have had many conversations about the importance of being kind and listening to other people and about remembering how upsetting it was when he wasn't included.)

The other club is still going but the power balance has shifted. (all very Lord of the Flies)

He said one interesting thing though that I thought I would share, he asked me, "Do you know how I did it?" and I said, "er, no". To which he replied, "Well from Year 2 I started eavesdropping on people. Whenever I heard someone saying something like, "I like Moshi Monsters or Club Penguin, I'd say "oh so do I". So they'd become my really good friend and join my club."

So basically he went all out to win friends right across the class, outside the narrow group who were his friends and gradually all the kids came round.

DS is not part of the Yr3 in crowd. He would like to be but there's a dilemma because as pointed out above the behaviours of the cool gang aren't always great and in this case are known to be hugely disruptive in class. DS doesn't want to be told off but unwillingness to join in playing up in class is leading to being left out at lunchtime.

We don't agree with trying to keep up with the Jones's gadgets but recognise common interests underpin friendships. So much as I think Moshi Monsters are cr*p, DS is allowed to be a free member and has bought a couple of packets with pocket money. Football in your garden will be enough for most boys of 7 invited round.

Also agree with those above who say get a couple of friends through outside activities.

Definitely look into interests outside school. It's important for children not to get all their friendships from the same place, they need support and friendship away from school as well as at it. Can you do scouts or something that'll have different children there?

Also, I find it a bit weird that these children won't come to play dates. If they're 7yo wouldn't you be making the arrangement with the parent or carer?