I'm better than you...

[HouseworkProcrastinator]

I think my daughter is doing really well in school she tries hard and even tho not top of the class she is still progressing well. Problem is she has two friends that she has played with since play group and I am friendly with their mums so we do stuff outside of school all together. Since starting in reception I have noticed that one of the mums is a very competitive mum and it drives me a little crazy. In my opinion she is a bit too pushy with her daughter and have heard her get cross at her when she hasn't come home with a new word box, reading level etc... This in its self doesn't really bother me very much that's up to her. but lately her child has started making fun of mine for being a level lower than her in reading, (mine has recently slowed a bit in progress) telling her she is better and mine isn't as clever. She was in tears about it yesterday. I don't know if the competitiveness is rubbing off on or if it is normal for kids to be cruel about things like this. My daughter is very kind normally, a little while ago she was doing better on her word boxes and the other child was upset and mine told her that it didn't matter as long as she tries and then she lied and told her she was on a lower level book to make her feel better.
Recently the teacher called me back for a chat because my child is getting things a bit muddled, letters back to front and stuff like that. I have dyslexia and the teacher knew I was worried about her having it too. I have told my friend about this so she knows there is issues there I didn't know if I should just have a word with her about it or if it is more hastle than its worth.

The person you need to speak to is your daughter. She needs to have her self esteem boosted and maintained, partly by you and her family and partly by herself. Life is full of people arguing that they are better than you. Most of the time it's complete rubbish. (Sometimes it's true.) Our job in life is to distinguish which instances are which and we have to learn how to do that. Loving parents can help us to do that.

I agree with learnandsay

dd2 has a best friend who (youngest with very bright older siblings and driven, though very nice, parents) constantly competes, and always needs to be better/bigger/faster.

I think giving a little, simple but not judgemental, understanding about people who do that can be helpful - its certainly helped dd2, who gets annoyed rather than upset most of the time now, and has learned to ignore the bulk of it.

I have simply talked to dd2 about how some children worry about not being enough, and think they have to be 'better' - though of course they are fine as they are, just like she is. In her friend's case, I've explained that poor old X has two big sisters, and probably finds it very hard to relax as she's fed up with being the littlest.

I've also given information about how all children have their own, special way of learning to read etc - and that they all end up in the same place, but take different journeys to get there, and that she has her own special adventure to reading. For some reason, that one really appeals to dd2

If your little dd does turn out to have dyslexia, understanding about it, and knowing its a) not her fault and b) doesn't make her less than anyone else - its just a thing that happens, like needing glasses, or not hearing properly - might help?

Showing her that you think her reading is great, and that its not a competition to you, is important too - but I'm sure you're doing that already!

Horrid seeing our children stressed, but they do grow so much resilience through all of that stuff - with our help. Easy to say, as I have an older one and have seen it, but its true

I have told her that as long as she tries her best I am happy, and that it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. And she does understand that and is fine about it. She is not feeling bad about her own achievements at all. It is just what this other girl it saying to her that upsets her. Don't know if she is being deliberately mean or just boasting.
She has also said that if she does something good, like gets a sticker or is star of the day and is proud of herself this girl just says in a nasty way "it doesn't matter"
Maybe it's just their age, girls can be spiteful.

I would tell her, in a general, relaxed way, about envy and what it means....how people who are sad, or feel they don't have what they need/want, sometimes feel angry and take it out on others.

She will figure it out, it will make what this girl says seem less important to your dd!

DD has one of those friends, it's a pain in the arse. It's not the kids fault but the parents have a competitive ethos, they don't see it as an issue at all.

We've explained like Elibean suggests envy, jealousy, etc.

We use a lot of humour and on occasion in front of other parents a hard stare along with 'are you just tired or a little bit envious.'

I think it's sad that at 5 there is already so much pressure on some children to be "the best" and the reading thing drives me mad anyway, it seems to be the main focus of everyone but there is so much else they learn. Mine has a real interest in nature and different countries and has lots of knowledge about these things but the level book they are on seems to be most important.

Hi HouseworkProcrastinator

I've been there - my DDs have been there (and still are in some ways).

I think the comparison thing is always going to be going on in school. Even though our school goes to great lengths the shelter children from knowing their ability levels - they all know roughly who's good at math, reading, writing, etc...

It's just the way it goes. So in some ways there is no point trying to change the other person's behaviour. What you can change is how your DD feels about her performance.

First of all educational attainment is indvidual. We all have different starting points, talents and issues. The dyslexia can be a serious hindrance to learning, even if only mild. But it also brings other abilities - good visual recall and memorisation skills for example - simply because these skills are heightened to help cope.

So this can be an opportunity for you to really help your daughter learn one of life's little lessons very early on - it doesn't matter what the other guy is doing. There will always be someone who seems to be better or have it better - what matters is how are you doing? Are you trying your hardest? Are you improving? Are you learning? It also is important to give yourself the space to fail - to try something and be terrible at it at first. Then to work at it and slowly, but surely get better. That will give you a lot of resilience when life or work gets tough in future.

There will always be competition. There will always be some who gloat. But what you can teach your daughter is to enjoy her own efforts and to realise her own gains. Sometimes she may do better than her friends - but she shouldn't feel good about beating her friends, just good about having learned something well and achieved. If you can teach her that there is no victory in making someone feel bad about themselves, you'll have taught her well.