Help! I need strategies to help HSC DS feel ok about going to school

[Heathen]

Hi all. My DS is 5 and has been very reluctant to go to school for a while now. I recently discovered the book 'The Highly Sensitive Child' by Elaine Aron and immediately recognised that this is his personality type, no question. Every morning now he begs me to let him stay at home and I try to find ways of helping him to feel ok about going without it becoming a huge issue. There's far too much to go into here so what I'm asking for is simple stategies to enthuse / distract / give confidence to my DS first thing in the morning. If we can get past the 'begging not to go' stage when he wakes up, we can usually get him to school without further upset but I'm running out of ideas! Any advice would be very welcome!

Is your DS in reception or Y1? Are there any other issues you are aware of? Did you ask him why he doesn't want to go? I think I can help but can't advise of strategies without knowing the reasons.

For example my 5 year old Y1 son is the same but I have found out why it is that he doesn't want to go. It is because they have transitioned to much harder work now and he is gutted that he can't go and play in the sandpit all day like he used to. I know he'll just have to get used to it. However there could be other reasons more or less serious.

A lovely tip that I picked up from MN once was to fill a child's pocket with (virtual) 'kisses' before school. Then when they are having a trying or low moment during the day they can put their hand in their pocket and get out a kiss from Mum. My DD loves doing this

Does he have any particular friends that you could maybe arrange to meet with by the school gate or in the playground so that he is not going in by himself?

Ask the teacher to maybe give him a task to do each morning on arrival that might take his attention?

I have this problem too, ds (5 and in YR) is a lively outgoing soul but he is also super sensitive, he has recently said he hates school but when I pick him up from school and ask him what's been the best thing about today he says everything, this leads me to being completely confused. When I asked him the other night he said he doesn't like the clothes he has to wear (uniform) then he says he's tired, I'm hoping there's nothing worrying him which he hasn't told me about yet. POW I do something similar with the kisses.

Hi again. Thanks so much for your responses. itsonlyyearfour - DS is in reception. I don't think the issues are huge, but he is finding it all a bit overwhelming at school. And because of this, he tends to withdraw into his own world quite a lot. This is causing problems with not listening to his teachers which means they get a bit cross with him (it happens every day) and he is upset by this.
POW - loving the pocket full of kisses!
Looksgoodingravy - I get that too sometimes. It's very confusing!
There is more to say but have to rush out for swimming lesson with him now. Will check in later. Thanks again xx

Awww, boo to the getting cross, that's not good. Have you had a good chat with the teachers about him and how he feels at school? If not, then I would book an appointment and go declare your hand. If you have, how did they respond? It sounds like he needs more support within the classroom- just a few subtle things perhaps that could make all the difference to him.

Other than that I don't know if he is too old for the ignore the first plea of not wanting to go,or if not ignore then not get into any discussion, just meet it with a "never mind, it's not yet, we've got to get up, x, y and z" before that or "never mind, but you'll enjoy x,y or z".... this is how I meet my 3 year olds pleas re pre-school and she is always fine when it comes to actually going, i think she just doesn't like the idea of separation initially when she wakes up and is enjoying time with Mummy . My 5 year old was the same at 3 and used to say he didn't want to go to pre-school everyday but be ok when it came to going in.

How do you feel about him going to school? I think this is important. If you have anxieties yourself and don't feel confident then see if you can change to feeling positive etc (by talking to the teacher/your DP etc etc?) as your attitude will be coming across to him even if not explicitly and he will take his cue from you to a large degree.

Hi. I also have (I suspect) an HSC. Reception year was totally hideous. He was very unhappy. He didn't beg not to go to school, but was very anxious, waking ridiculously early (sometimes 4.30am), being overly emotional at small things, being disobedient and acting out etc. It was really hard. There were lots of reasons I suspected, though he wasn't good at articulating them. And everything was too much. All I could do was comfort, and build up his confidence all the time, try and build friendships with other kids in class and let him rest after school. This year has been a lot better. Better teacher, and he has become hardened to some of the social issues. But I do feel for you because I know how painful it can be to watch your child unhappy and being hurt. All I could think was: well, this is the big, wide world and I can't protect him forever. This half term is particularly bad I think as work tends to get harder, they may have been re-grouped into ability rather than friendship groups since January and may have had a Jan intake. All these things unsettled my ds. I could understand it, but didn't know how to help other than talking to teacher (was a bit pointless so gave up) and being very loving at home. Oh, I also put him on packed lunch because there were some issues with another child who was school dinners and they eat at different times, so that helped a bit.

Perhaps focussing on: how can I have a good day at school? A good chat about the fact he has to go and begging won't change that, so stickers for every day he doesn't beg. It's probably a habit now, which is making it worse. And thinking negatively from first thing could also be making it worse.

Hi I have had similar issues but the main thing is reception children jst get so exhausted. My ds found the day too tiring so I made sure we did no after school activites and kept the reception year low key. By year one they are more used to it and can handle the long days better. Perhaps a slightly earlier bedtime would help. Being tired has a massive effect and it is a common problem in the early years of school

I wonder if your DS is picking up on the distraction/enthusing thing and it is having a reverse effect?

I know for dogs (which, let's face it, aren't all that different to humans in lots of ways) if the issue is barking because they are nervous, the recommended response is not to try and get their attention/distract etc, because what it does is reinforce to the dog that there really is something to worry about!

Perhaps it is similar in this situation? You are anxious to get your DS over the 'dread of school' thing, so you provide more and more jollying, distraction, enthusing, so your DS starts to think 'flip it really is that bad!'

It might be helpful to just wait until your DS mentions that he doesn't want to go and simply say 'I know, it's horrible when you don't feel like going somewhere, but I'm your Mum and it's my job to make sure you get to school on time. If I don't, I can get into trouble.

The other thing I do with my DD who is struggling with school, is to ask her when she gets in what the best bit of her day is, worst bit...whatever.

Yes, Loogle, we play best and worst of the school day. It's nearly always relationships (so and so played with me - best, so and so said he's not my friend and not to play with him anymore - worst) and rarely work/ teachers - since Reception.

Oh, and another thought. How about cycling or scooting to school? This is a big treat for my ds2, who is going through 'don't wanna go Nursery' phase, helps ease the process of getting there and starts him off in a positive way so he is associating something positive with school (or at least going to school).

Wow so many amazing answers! I really want to respond to all of you individually but I just haven't got time right now ! I really do appreciate every bit of advice and as soon as things calm down a bit here I will respond. (It's my sister's 40th today and she's driven 300 miles to visit us - we're just off to the pub now !)

Have fun!