DD in Y1 has no-one to lay with at school break and lunchtime

[Pernickety]

My DD2 is in Y1. Over the past months, she seems to have lost her spark and doesn't seem like the happy person she once was. Just before half term she told us about crying at school, not wanting to go to school, crying about going to after school club and not wanting to go there. During her parents' evening her teacher, after asking if we had any concerns to discuss, told us that she thought DD was having friendship difficulties. She said unfortunately there are a few girly cliques in the class this year, and my DD hovers on the fringes. Her school report said she gets very anxious about whether she will have anyone to play with at break time and lunchtime.

I'm wondering what I can do to help and what I can realistically expect the school to do to help. I never really worried about DD2 and friends the way I did with DD1, who is more inhibited around new people. DD2has always been openly sociable and able to make new friends easily. She's good at playing too - she has a vast imagination and has a lot of empathy. She had no problems in Reception or nursery. But there are 3 classes per year group, which got mixed up to move into Year 1. My DD is one of the oldest and I think was used to playing with lots of different people in Reception. It seems like the girls that have come in groups from the other Reception classes have continued to cling onto their little group of friends (much like my DD1 would have done) and this leaves DD2 out in the cold. The teacher said she will often play with the boys, and then become infatuated with one of theboys, before moving on!!

The teacher suggested she go to lunch club, where children go to be nurtured by a play leader if for some reason they can't be out in the playground (e.g. broken leg or friendship issues) But it has been too full for DD2 to be able to go since it was suggested! Do I just wait for this to blow over? It's possible they will mix the classes up again for Year 2 and other people's friendships may become more fluid. Or should I be asking the teacher to do more, and realistically, what can she do?

Any advice would be appreicated.

I wish I had previewd. I mean play not lay*.

Would the school consider a buddy bench where children who have no one to play with can go, and the other children are told to keep an eye out for anyone sitting on the bench and ask them to join in their games? That worked quite well at DDs school last year.

Ive been in your situation with my own son and ive been in this situation as the nursery nurse in the classroom.....its heartbreaking truly it is I actually used to walk to the school during playtimes to check on ds1 and if he was on his own id stand there and chat to him (its not a good idea but at least after 2 weeks the head realised and actively helped him ),I tried everything taking him to the park after school to mix with his classmates after school,I even used to arrange dental/doctor appointments to cover lunchtimes and slowly he seemed to find his place in the playground-helped by new astro turf football boots!!!! try and find a craze that dd2 can join in with,collecting stickers/funky hairslides/etc etc,it will happen but its the time it takes all this time ds2 in another playground was the 'popular' kid and it was very hard.

As a nursery nurse I would find jobs for a child to do,ask another child to help and sometimes even organise activities to do as a group over playtime.

I wou;d ask the teacher to help,she may be able to think of something.

PLEASE dont be tempted to go to school at breaks and lunch like me its not a good idea.

I love the idea of 'buddy benches' .

I would keep pushing for the lunchtime club thing.

And keep pushing for the teacher to help.

There is very little you can do from outside the school. There us far more the school can do.

I think naother word with the teacher would be best. The teacher can talk to the playground staff and maybe they could organise some group games and encourage your daughter to join in.

Thanks everyone.

No - I won't go and stand at the school gates :( (Tempting as that could be.

I will speak to the teacher again. They do have a friendship bench but DD says no-one came over when she sat on it. Maybe the teacher needs to reiterate to the children what it is for.

I'm wondering if I ought to be worried about her infatuation with boy friendships. It's great that my daughter enjoys the company and play of boys (both DDs have always played as happily with boys as girls) but DD2 seems to want to treat each boy friend as a boyfriend. Maybe in her head that's just like a best friend and she gets from the boys the type of friendship she hasn't yet achieved with the girls.

I'm hopibng that this and the friendship problems will blow over as she develops and matures. She's not reluctant to go into school in the mornings, so I'm trying not to make too big a deal of it. But it's still a little worrying.

FWIW, I have the same problem but only occassionally. All is fine then she complains the same. Her school have a buddy bench and it works so well. I personally don't like the idea of nurturing during play time you suggested as it seems to skirt the issue and the child ends up not facing the problem. Children can be cruel and I think it's as much if not more the schools responsibility to do something to remedy the situation. I would ask them what they are doing and in return talk to your child giving suggestions as to what she can do. Mine took a skipping rope or small playground toy, good idea if your school allows.

Hi Pernickety:

I've been there with both DDs (now Y2 and Y4) in one way or another.

First check out the KS1 playground. Is there a hopscotch grid or a great climbing frame. Remind your DD that she can always play hopscotch by herself or climb the climbing frame by herself if she has nobody to play with.

Second - remind her that there are lots of other children in the class - she doesn't just have to be friends with a few girls. This seems really tricky at first, but encourage her to play with someone different everyday. This will widen her circle of friends and make recess/ lunchtime play less worrying.

Third - join after school clubs. It sounds silly, but shared experiences help make friends. They may not be BFF friends - but making friends in clubs does mean that you are considered o.k. and can join in.

Finally remind our DD that good friends don't exclude people or insist they play their game by their rules. Both DDs had problems with very bossy, controlling girls and I gradually persuaded them they'd be much happier playing with other children.

It will pass - hang in there.

Thank you for your responses. I think this is something that will blow over as the other children get more comfortable playing with people outside of their secure little groups. DD2 isn't inhibited like my DD1 and does generally make friends easily. I think she's very sensitive inside though and may have had her confidence knocked recently. She does go to rainbows but it is out of district so there are no school friends there. I am trying hard to get her into a Brownies where her school friends will most likely go. They don't do many after school (in school) clubs for this age group at my daughters' school. But I am sure things will get better as she gets older.

She's not had too bad a week and has been taking in an activity book to do at break/playtime. Thanks for the other suggestions. I think encouraging her to be part of the latest playground craze or getting her to take a skipping rope or interactive playground toy could be a good ploy for her. I'll see how things go and maybe have another word with the teacher if the situation does not improve.

What about playdates? Or if her birthday is coming up soon, arrange a party for five or so girls. IME they will play with her in the run up to the party and after that they will hopefully begin to think of your DD as one of the children they regularly play with.

My heart goes out to you and your DD though.

Thank you. She had her birthday early last term. She invited a mixture of friends out of school, friends from Reception class and a few new to her Year 1 class. I am thinking of inviting a few girls round after school one day though.

Hi Penickety:

apologies about thinking your DD was DS - not sure why I got that wrong.

You hang in there. These things take time, but slowly you'll see she'll make friends and settle in. I think a play date is a great idea. It's a good easy start.

Would you consider inviting these girls round one at a time? That way your DD won't get left out (even on her own playdate!). Children can be very insensitive sometimes