Stop dissing the school! It's fine

[CatOnMyLap]

DS is in reception, not at the first school on our list (you need a million quid for a house and a lot of Boden clothes to get in there) but actually the very mixed (inner London) school he is at is turning out brilliant - great head, wonderful teacher, friendly atmosphere, DS is making great progress with writing, reading and a load of other interesting stuff as far as I can see, and is really happy there.

The problem is that the handful of other parents whose DCs likewise failed to get into the posh school up the road are constantly bellyaching about this school. They think there isnt enough drilling of letters etc (actually i love the fact that DS never notices he's done any work but nonetheless knows all the phonics sounds now) and blame every instance of bad behaviour on the school (rather than, say, adjusting to being at school) and are always complaining to the head. I think they think everything would be perfect if they had got the other school.

Thing is, it is upsetting me. I'm all in favour of pushy middle class parents helping keep the school on its toes or whatever, but I find this all really negative and destructive and wish they would effing shut up and let us concentrate on enjoying all the school's many good points.

Any advice?

Unfortunately you get this in most school's and sometimes (as it sounds with yours) a group fire each other up so much that they can only talk about negative things. As you say it is counter productive but how to overcome it is the heads biggest headache. The only thing I can say is be brave and honest if your happy say you are and don't let the blighters get you down! I really don't think they live in the real world sometimes!

You get it at every school!

I think my parents went through pretty much every prep-school in Sussex by the time they finished educating 4 of us, and even in the creme-de-la-creme there were groups of negative parents endlessly upset about one thing or another.

With any luck this lot will calm down and count their blessings that they may not have got their first choice, but they also haven't been landed with some of the 'schools' in London!

Its especially true where you have high levels of competition for places in an area and parents didn't get their first choices as you describe

Don't worry. It's not nice when this happens but it does happen everywhere. Even in our nice little prep school.

It usually starts when a few competitive/ dissatisfied parents start complaining about something or other,( little jonny not being pushed enough etc). They huddle together at pick up, telling anyone who will listen how the school should be doing this, teachers should be doing that.

Eventually a few of them jump ship and everything settles down again. Six months later and you bump into them and they are complaining about the new school,( little jonny gets too much homework, is finding the hours bus journey too tiring etc).

I know of two families who started in reception with DD who is now Yr 5. Who are on their 4th and 5th schools respectively! If you and your child are happy and DS is thriving, ignore the rest.

One thing I have learned is the grass isn't always greener. Keep your own counsell, and if the school is doing a good job for you, and that's all that matters, let them know. They will appreciate positive feedback.

That's one of the reasons I will never be a head again!
I'm all for parental involvment, keeping us accountable, high aspirations for our children, etc. etc. But when the endless meetings with parents to explain X, Y & Z, that are not "failings" and parents returning day after day to complain that we are not teaching how they want us to teach (bearing in mind a lot has changed since they were at school and if we taught how parent A wanted us to, parent B would be in complaining day and night) it gets frustrating. As a head (pre-DC) I wanted to spend my time doing things that would reall make a difference to the learning outcomes and happiness of the children, but felt more of my time was spend in repeated meetings about why their DC could not have milk in their bottle on their desk or why we were teaching the phonic of segmenting and blending instead of drilling alphabetical order and letter names... the list of complaints goes on. Don't get me wrong I was happy to explain the school's policies, vision and approach to anyone who enquired, but the constant table-thumping, shouty complaints did my head (no pun intended) in.

Now I'm happy as a (just) classroom teacher where I can actually get on with the business of making a difference for children!

Don't make the mistake of assuming that just becase your son is happy there, every other child is likewise happy. I took my eldest one out of a school where she was very miserable and unhappy but I know for a fact that many other children loved it there. It simply wasn't the right school for dd.

You also have to accept that different parents look for different things in a school. Some people want their children to be academically challenged whereas others are happy as long as their children just enjoy school. People have different expectations about what constitutes acceptable behaviour. Some parents want to get very involved with school, others want to leave the school to it... and so on.

And remember to write to the school to tell them how happy you are with your child's progress, so they don't just have letters of complaint on their files.

I moved my DD from a school where she was unhappy and doing badly, but I know there were many other children there doing well.

Hi Catonmylap:

As a parent who's pretty negative about her own DDs' school - I'd say two things need to be kept in mind.

1. Having a group of parents with high expectations that are watchful of what is being taught at your school and keeping tabs at what is being taught at the allegedly 'better' schools in the area is a good thing. This keeps Head and School on their toes - it raises expectations for performance and in a good school means that they are working toward pleasing this constituency to the advantage of all children.

2. As others have posted - the disappointment of the selection process is very real. Parents feel when they don't get their first choice they're getting second best. It's a huge disappointment and you have to give them quite a bit of space and time to adjust - so just as it is useful to have parents pointing out that x or y is happening at the other school and keeping pressure up on your school's performance - it is also important that you are saying, yes you have a point, they really ought to be doing x or y, but I am very pleased about their phonics work, etc...

It's a balance - but a good school also listens to the negative comments and treats them seriously and respects that parental expectations (especially when well informed) must be addressed.

A weak school surrounds themselves only with parents who effectively are 'yes men' for the Head. This leads to complacency and ultimately sitting on one's laurels. It's no good for the children ultimately.

Our school was rated GOOD with several outstanding aspects 6 years ago, largely due to the excellent work of a previous head. The new head arrived, made little or no changes for 4 years whilst KS2 sats progressively declined and then when OFSTED sent a letter informing them they'd be inspecting after a certain date a year's hence, started putting into place all sorts of improvements. Too little, too late. They scraped a GOOD, but have been notified they have a year to improve maths curriculum.

I was one of a group of parents, fully aware of what other schools (some much better, some about the same) were doing with maths and that our school was clearly not as organised or ambitious.

I am overjoyed to see OFSTED insist the maths curriculum is improved within the next year. The staff are not bad people or bad educators - but when Senior Management don't mind if a child has NOT mastered their times tables to x10 by Year 6 - it rather sends the message that maths doesn't matter to teachers and to parents.

DownNotOut,
That is exactly what is happening - huddles at the school gates, raised eyebrows etc. I can't work out whether to feel relieved or profoundly depressed that this happens everywhere. The main ringleader thinks her DD is supremely gifted - i agree she is bright although clearly being hothoused - and I suspect she will move on elsewhere Pretty soon (shame as the girl is sweet and appears happy at the school). hopefully once that happens the others will calm down a bit.

Bradbourne, I take your point about people wanting different things, and I do want my DS academically challenged as well as happy - it's just that I don't agree this school isn't stretching them intellectually, in all kinds of ways and not just reading and writing. I went to a very traditional, academic school and think my DS is getting a better education than I did.

There are probably only half a dozen middle class families in DS's class, and the fact that four of them are busy shouting about how disappointed they are is going to put other middle class families off from applying. Not that the middle class is the be all and end all, but if they completely desert this school then it's atmosphere will change for the worse.

Plus it makes me wonder if I am missing something or have shabbily low expectations for DS...

There will always be parents like this. I have a friend whose child is v bright (of course) and doing v well in maths, literacy, science, everything, but he doesn't have great handwriting. Whose fault is this? The school's, of course.

IMO It's the ones who say, just a little too loudly, that their DC are not being stretched who know, deep down, that their child is not in the top tier academically and feel very miffed that they aren't, and their way of justifying this to themselves and anyone around is to say that school are "Not pushing them enough". I witnessed this only last week, from a parent and child who exactly fit the criteria that I have just described, basically having us believe that "X" is super-bright and school are not pushing enough because they are not in top sets. I know from personal experience that if a child has the ability then the school will most definitely stretch them.

Sorry, gone off at a bit of a tangent there.

If it happens at my dc school, I'm not aware of it. I think they key is to keep out of it, just a quick hello and off you go. The first year parents tend to be quite intense but as the child gets older, parental anxiety tends to subside a little or you learn how to dodge the ones who irritate you.

There is also the possibility that not all children are as academic as their parents think they are - many people will moan, change schools multiple times etc. rather than accept that at any given stage in their lives, their child is achieving x. It will always be the fault of the school for these parents that little Johnny is not doing better; but it may just be that they struggle with a particular area, or that the maturity is not yet there for them to concentrate for longer etc.

singinggirl "It will always be the fault of the school for these parents that little jonny is not doing better".

Precisely that.

I think at every school there are the Professional Complainers - if there is anything at all to winge about, they'll find it and they'll winge. I can see why it's bothering you but would imagine it's like water off a duck's back to the Head.

"It's the ones who say, just a little too loudly, that their DC are not being stretched who know, deep down, that their child is not in the top tier academically and feel very miffed that they aren't"...

... and sometimes it is completely true that they aren't being stretched. For example, ds's "target" for Y! maths is to count to 20. Never mind that he could do that before he started school...all children at his school have the same targets in KS1 because the head thinks it is better to let the "less able" children catch up rather than allow a wide band of attainment to develop.

I think his school is cr*p and that's why he will be going elsewhere come September. On the other hand, many other parents seriously think the school is great and look at the pleasant countryside setting, new classrooms and generally good behaviour. Different people look for - and see - different things. (However, I do try not to be negative in front of people who I know like the school because I understand it can be upsetting.) Just trust your own instincts about whether the school is the right one for your child and try not to let the general griping get you down. (And remember that some people are never happy unless they can find something to moan about!)

Good post, custardcake. (Pity there isn't a facility to "like" posts on mumsnet).

Let them complain all they like. It's a free country. It's the head and teachers' job to argue, discuss, explain and talk to the parents who aren't happy. The other parents are grown ups. They can escalate their complaints accordingly, or they can accept the teachers' responses, or they can carry on bitching for ever and get nowhere.

Concentrate on your own children and how happy you are with things.

If I had a complaint I wouldn't like other parents to presume that I should have no right to express it. My complaint might be a load of rubbish (I have more faith in myself than that,) but supposing it was stupid, I'll still insist on the right to express it.

If your child is happy and learning there and you are happy too then I would just ignore the naysayers. They may have reason to be unhappy they may not but it doesn't have to impact on you and your child's experience of the school. Also if you're worried about the reputation of the school so that more middle class families apply I would say the best thing is for you to tell anyone who'll listen who has a pre-school child how good an experience you are having.

You seem to make a lot of assumptions in your post and you don't say why they are unhappy. Like others have said on here, it is a free country and I don't see why you are so upset that other parents are unhappy - they have a right to express their opinions, and you never know some of them might be valid? Just count your blessings that is going all so well for you.

I certainly have had many issues with the school my children attend and would have hated it to be judged in this way.

It always amuses me one how many parents appear to become instant 'experts' in Education Theory the day they give birth, how they just know how things should be taught, how many think they know exactly what goes on in the classroom (based on school gate gossip, a 5 year old's account of their day and a glance through a book bag), and what exactly goes on in every other school in the area (because a smug 'I got a place' acquaintance tells them so).

As someone almost past the whole primary school thing, I can safely say that I know a lot of parents who have found out that the grass isn't always greener!

COML, it's great that you're happy and supportive of your DC's school- that will go a long way towards your DC succeeding there.