Worried about ds in reception - discipline and social skills

[lecce]

I am becoming increasingly concerned about how ds is getting on in school in terms of mixing with other children.

My main concern is that he is not making friends. He has one girl, who we knew before he started school, and that friendship still seems to be continuing, but I get the impression that when they are at school (we still do play-dates outside school) she is more interested in her new friends - who are girls - and ds doesn't seem to have mixed so well with the new classmates. Moreover, a recent playdate at our house ended in disaster as this girl refused to play with any of ds's toys as they didn't fit her interests. Ds was distraught as he had been so looking forward to it and she was pretty brutal (as 5 yr olds will be) about how unimpressed she was about what was on offer. This has led me to think that their genders are coming between them (though both the other mother and I have tried hard not to reinforce gender stereotypes etc). There is no doubt that this girl is getting into the whole 'pink princess' thing and ds is not!

This leads me on to my next concern, which is that in their class there is a huge majority of girls with only a handful of boys. Despite the fact that, pre-dc, I would have said that gender doesn't matter, I am beginning to realise that ds is not interested in what the girls are into but that, having such a small pool of boys to choose from is limiting as well. I don't know what I mean - he's a pretty typical boy in many ways - loves dinos, knights etc etc but only seems to have gelled with one boy in his class. Sadly, this boy never attends any of the birthday parties and his family didn't respond to the message we put in his Christmas card about playdates so we can't really develop the friendship.

None of this would really matter but ds has been saying over the last few weeks that people don't want to play with him and that he is trying to make new friends but that people don't want to play with him . I feel so guilty - he didn't go to pre-school (long story) and it's only recently that we're getting to know people with similarly-aged dc in the area, so I feel this is our fault.

Dh (sahd) refuses to admit there is a problem but, having been to a few parties, school events etc over the last couple of weeks, I can't help thinking ds does seem to be on the sidelines a little (though at other times it seems most of the dc seem to be in their own little bubbles and are not really interacting a huge amount).

We are planning a birthday party for him in a month or so and I am dreading it in case no one comes or, more likely probably, he doesn't enjoy it that much because no one will play with him.

I'm so sorry this is such a waffle-fest but I would love some advice because I really am getting upset about this - I have mentioned my concerns to the teacher before but felt a little fobbed-off by her response.

First off I have to say what a lovely mum you sound, full of concern and love for your DS. He's a lucky boy.

My first thought is you need to be very positive about the situation to DS. Obviously you don't feel it, you are worried and concerned. But you need to be positive about friendships and school so DS feels positive.

My DS is in reception (I have an older DD though). I go in and help quite regularly and I don't think what you are describing is that unusual, a fair few of my friends with boys in DS's year are having similar worries to you. What I see when I go in and help is kids playing along side each other. So 3 boys might be all playing puzzles together on the carpet, they each have their own puzzle but they are together. I think this will develop into friendships as the school year continues.

Would DH go in and help in class for a few hours? Kids love parents coming in, and it may help with bonding. I'd be willing to bet the boys would all love a dad coming in to help (few do/can). I know he doesn't think there's a problem, could you suggest it as just a good thing to do, helping and supporting the school?

The party sounds like a great idea, I'm sure that will help too. Good chance to get to know other mums and watch who DS gets along with. I'm sure you know what you are doing with parties but my top tip would be lots of small prizes (little sweets or stickers) for all. If everyone's a winner there's no tears and you are a fab party mum!

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Thank you.

Thar's a great idea about dh going in but we have a 2yr old as well so not really possible.

I have noticed at parties that there's a lot of playing alongside rather than together so hopefully you are right and it is normal and friendships will develop as they get older.

It's just so hard when he sounds so unhappy when talking about it though.

Lecce - I don't have any solutions but I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through as I am having the same experience with my DD, also in Reception. She is very shy, and has only one friend in the class. When this friend is away, she is on her own and does not mix well with the other children, in spite of encouragement from the teachers to do so. Like you, we have attempted playdates, but DD just says that she does not like the other children and does not want to play :(

I just hope all of this is a bit of a phase, and I try to reassure myself that they will develop more social skills as they mature. I don't know if you feel the same, but I would gladly exchange my DD's academic proficiency for some more social confidence and ability to make friends, as I do think this is more crucial for her long term happiness than exam results. Good luck.

I wouldn't give up on the one friend. His family my be quite isolated - here I'd go the extra mile even if they are not exactly charmers (figure out when that child is picked up, stage a bumping-into the picker-upper even, pick the teachers' brains, etc). It took me a few months to get the family of my son's one friend to speak to me but it was worth the effort for his sake.

secondly, having been through similar, the only thing that keeps me sane and stops me obsessing/deciding it's history repeating itself, etc - is to keep reminding myself that these are just skills, like any other. Some children will have struggles with reading, others with socialising, nowadays teachers are trained to believe that all skills can be improved. Thinking of it this way makes it seem less personal/less paralysing. My oldest son is in Year 4 and some of the boys he started with are only now developing real peer-to-peer social skills - it has taken work by their teachers, parents and them but they are getting there.

Hi. I have boys in Year 3 and Reception. Although DS1 has always been into cars, balls etc, he mainly played with girls in Reception and Year 1. It is only in the last year or so that he has really bonded with the boys in his class.

I also found that, in class, they do tend to play alongside each other in Reception, or move between groups of children fairly randomly. Few of DS's year had "best friends" in Reception, and the groups changed a lot over the course of infants.

If you are concerned about the lack of boys in the long run, then it is worth looking at clubs, like football, tennis etc. Some of DS1's best friends are those he knows outseide school.

It is worth keeping an eye on, and keep getting involved with parties etc, but it is amazing how things can change over the course of a year.