WWYD about sustained bullying?

[CardyMow]

DS2 is on the Autistic spectrum, but in MS school, now with no support (don't ask!).

Yesterday he came home complaining that his back hurt because 3 boys had kicked him - he had a red mark, and now has a slight bruise. He also complained that he felt dizzy all afternoon.

He says that he told the 'leader of the PALS' (PALS is something to do with helping those who are ontheir own at lunchtime?). She took him into the classroom for the rest of lunchtime.

I ended up having totake him to the doctors this morning over something unrelated, but he then went back to school, he was back by about 10am.

He has also had ongoing problems with people following him round the playground hitting him. When he tells the mid-day assistants, they just tell DS2 to walk away from these people.So he spends his WHOLE lunchtime trying to avoid them. Due to his Autism,he will only tell the MDA's once what is going on - it takes him alot to tell even once.He has to have already BEEN hit to tell IYSWIM.

Today I had a quick word with his teacher, and her response was: "Well he said he couldn't tell me WHO had done it, so we can't do anything or put it in the book. We only have 3 people to look after 300 pupils, what do you want us to do? We can't POSSIBLY see everything. And if we don't see it, and your DS2 can't or won't tell us who is doing it, then there is nothing we can do, and your DS2 is so over-sensitive anyway that a simple nudge is seen as a push and makes him complain. He's going to get jostled and pushed in a playground this busy and he just needs to deal with it. We DO have an issue with 3 particular boys, but they were kept off the playground for 2 weeks at the end of last half term. And anyway, the best we can do is keep your DS2 indoors and off the playground at lunchtime, which isn't fair on him. Now I've got to go". All said in a fairly aggresive tone of voice.

The last 2 weeks of last half term were the ONLY two weeks in nearly a year that DS2 was coming home from school HAPPY. He doesn't often talk about things though - due to his Autism and dyspraxia, he finds it difficult to process his emotions and talk about them - or even fully identify them!

First of all, the school has 408 pupils, not 300. Then there is the fact that they are basically saying that if anything happens that no-one saw,then they are just going to ignore it.

I have had NUMEROUS problems with bullying at this school, which has a history of punishing the VICTIM rather than the bully (DD AND DS1 have also had MASSIVE problems requiring hospital treatment through bullying at this school.) The Head and Deputy Head get ONE parent, on their own, refusing to allow any support during meetings, and they use bullying tactics against any parent who complains,like spurious allegations of 'aggressive behaviour' (I know of at least 12 people who have had issues like this)

NOW, when I spoke to DS2's teacher today, I HADN'T seen DS2, because he was at an after school club. When he came home, he complained about his back hurting. When I asked him why, he told me that the same boys 'got him' today, two of them held him down, while the other BIT him.

These are 7/8yo's in Y3!!

He actually has visible bite marks and a massive red patch (on the OTHER side from yesterday) on his back. FGS! He says he told one of the TA's. Appaprently, she told him to go and play. Nothing else. I have had NO accident slips for EITHER incident. (Not unusual when it comes to bullying incidents here)

The class teacher is OBVIOUSLY not going to help. If I go to the Head, it will be awful, and as usual, he will bully me to the point of tears. He won't let me take notes when I have memory problems due to my epilepsy either, and as a Lone Parent, I have NO-ONE who can gowith me that the Head will ALLOW in the room with me. He ONLY lets me go in on my own.

I CANNOT change schools - there just ISN'T another school with places in DS2's year group - his school HAS the bulge class for the area, DS2's year rgoup has 88 pupils in 3 classes, when it is a 2-form entry school. He has been on the waiting list for 6 other schools since Reception - I contact them regularly but DS2 is still about 35-ish on the waiting list for ALL of them.

This is also the same primary school that 2 years ago, DS1 got pushed over so badly due to lack of supervision that he had concussion for TWO FULL WEEKS, he blacked out and they didn't call an ambulance OR call me and send him home - they kept him in class, fast asleep at the table, and the hospital were so concerned that he might have a fractured skull that they gave him a CT scan. The HT LIED and said on the ACCIDENT FORM that he had tripped on a paving slab. When I EVENTUALLY got to see the HT, I got 'escorted' from the school, and accused of 'threatening and aggressive behaviour'. Yet a week later, they BEGGED me to help out on a school trip as I had passed their CRB check - so if I WAS TRULY threatening and abusive, they wouldn't do that, would they?!

I just don't know what to do. It feels like my only options are:

1. Let the situation carry on, do nothing, and let DS2 get assaulted worse and worse.

2. Go to the Head, be bullied myself to the point of tears, cause myself so much stress that it ends up with me having a seizure, and get nothing done ANYWAY, and be told that I am using 'threatening and abusive behaviour' again, and as it is the second time, I am banned from the school premises until they need someone with a CRB check to help with something.

3. Pull my DS2 out of school totally, with NO HOPE of a school place within 30 miles - which is useless to ma as I can't drive due to my epilepsy, and my LA only pay for transport up to 6 miles away - anything OVER that, and it becomes the PARENT'S responsibility.

If you have got to the end of this essay, well done!

Now - WWYD? I NEED some help here. I am DESPERATE. I can't have my DS2 being ATTACKED to the point of having visible bruising and bite marks etc, and it will no doubt get worse, but the school is TOTALLY unwilling to engage with parents and SOLVE any bullying issues properly.

PLUS - my name is mud TBH, as I have previously complained to the LEA about them illegally taking away DD's SA+ help for 8 months when DD was a mid-year SEN transfer due to us moving to this area, put in 3 other complaints to the Board of Governors about previous bullying incidents, one to the Governors about DD's lack of progress at SA+ and the SenCo's abject refusal to support an application for a statement for her which was done within 2 weeks of her being at Secondary who couldn't BELIEVE that the primary hadn't insisted on it due to DD's complex SEN.

I have also reprted them to the DFE when they LIED on official paperwork about DS1's serious head injury - the HT admitted privately to me that he HAD lied on the forms, as he wanted the LEA to replace the paving slabs in the playground, and an 'accident' would help that - irrelavent of the fact that DS1 was PUSHED by a child who had been systematically ABUSING him from the start of Reception until that point in Y3! (DS1 is now in Y5).

I am NOT the favourite person at the school - and they treat me AWFULLY.

OH - and there hasn't been a Parent Partnership Officer in my area for OVER 3 YEARS. So that's a non-starter for support too!

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

www.sossen.org.uk/

www.autism.org.uk/Our-services/Advice-and-information-services/Education-rights-service.aspx

Believe it or not - this is an Ofsted rated 'Outstanding' school. And the Head will stop at NOTHING to protect that. Even at the expense of children's wellbeing. He just denies anything happened, or tells Ofsted a bunch of lies what they havent done to 'fix' the situation. And then proceeds to do nothing. Or he states that injuries caused by bullying incidents are down to that child having an 'accident' because they are 'clumsy'. Which is MUCH easier to do when that child has been DIAGNOSED with dyspraxia and TWO different muscle conditions. Doesn't change the fact that it is physically IMPOSSIBLE to leave bite marks in your own BACK.

But it is all bare faced LIES. To protect his precious bloody Outstanding rating.

Where do I live? A large town in the SE. Which is almost an entire primary school short of places at the end I live in - the new one will be built the year DS2 LEAVES for Secondary school.

I am alternating between and right now.

Sadly I can believe you

Honestly I would write to Ofsted especially if you could get other parents to write to them stating their concerns.

OK, I have read it all now, am still very angry on your behalf. Talk to Ofsted, the govenors, your local MP anyone and everyone.

Write down a list of all incidents, try and note everything down factually and keep emotion out of it, photograph everything. Insist on the police helping you - this is assault and you have the evidence of it - bite marks. But you have to remain calm so that they cannot accuse you of being aggressive, don't let them goad you, keep focused at all times.

I really don;t care whether the head allows you to keeop notes or not - how the hell is he/she going to stop you, take a recorder or if you have the abiltiy on your phone. If they tell you not to ask them why, it is for their beneift as well as your own that a tru and accurate record of all conversations are kept.

Do not give up.

3cutedarlings - thank you for the links. Have tried them all in the past few years though - even with incidents more severe than this.

It all comes down to the fact that because nothing is recorded, it is my word against the HT's. And he tries to smear my words by denigrating me for my memory problems due to my disability, saying that I must be remembering things wrong, my DS2 fell over/tripped/was being hyper-sensitive to normal jostling, and I am just remembering wrong.

I had threads on here at the time that DS1 got pushed over in the playground, but I can't find it to link to, it was over 2 years ago (He was in Y3 then, it was the October), and I can't remember what I called the thread, or I'd link to that so you can see JUST how bad the problems are!!

Keep going Hunty, don't let them wear you down. COme on here for support, is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

Talk to Ofstead again - as you say, how can he bite his own back. Kick up a huge stink, let them know that they will not shut you up.

Last time I tried to use my digital recorder, for my OWN benefit - he stopped the meeting and told me to turn it off, or I would be escorted from the premises. Ditto when I took a pad and pencil to record the meeting in shorthand.

It's hard to stay calm - the way they speak to me and insinuate that I must be mistaken because of the memory problems my epilepsy causes makes me emotional, they use my OWN disability against me just as they use my DS2's disability against him.

I CAN'T just pull him out - if I do, SS will put all my dc on the at-risk register - they threatened this last time I spoke to them about HE - because of my epilepsy. The only reason I still HAVE my dc at home is because they are at school, and I have fibbed about how much help I get from friends...

The adults with disabilities team at SS did a care plan for ME, stating that I need 3 hrs a day with a Carer - that was 3 years ago - they know I NEED it but they can't/won't provide it due to budgets. If I HE, it will tip it over the edge to where I may lose my dc.

Even SS are unable to find a school place for my dc anywhere else - UNLESS they take them into care and my dc are classed as 'looked after' children.

.

THAT'S why it's so hard to stay calm - I try my best, but they say that I am being aggressive when I break down in tears because of how they are treating me!!! I don't get ANGRY in there, I get upset.

And the lack of a Parent Partnership officer who could help me, for OVER 3 FLIPPING YEARS lets the school get away with bloody murder. The LEA refuse to get one from one of their OTHER areas to help me either, which I suggested to them LAST time.

I'm going to hunt for my old thread about my OTHER ds, DS1. If I can find it, I'll link it.

Lawyer? The school have a duty of care and you have the right to be heard or to have your views expressed by someone on your behalf. Try CAB.

What a wanker! just another thought and im far from an expert but would there be anything in the DDA? i trust you've post on SN's regarding all this?

Im loathed to ask i know you have a lot on your plate, but doesn't he not have any support? have you applied for a statement? im sure you have, and as im sure youre aware it would take at the very least for anything to be put in place.

Honestly i wouldnt send him in, i would call school and ask for an appointment with the head, and tell them he isnt going back till you've seen him.

Found old thread - here

I crossed posts with you sorry, what a shitty awful situation you have my heartfelt sympathy, keep this bumped im sure someone here must have some idea's that could help.

It's not right your told you can't have someone with you at meetings.
I'd be taking a lawyer next time your in.

Oh Hunty, i really don't know what to suggest.

Is there a legal section on here where you could ask for some advice, I'm sure there must be a lovely MNetter willing to offer advices and point you in the right direction.

The sad truth is that you really need to move schools but that is going to be really difficult if they are all full. If you appeal for another school then you will probably lose unless you can prove beyond all doubt that your present school is allowing this behaviour, you can prove the level of bullying to your son and that the school is doing nothing about it.
The only way to do this is to take pictures of your sons injuries, then make a formal written complaint to the head teacher in writing. You ask them to investigate and tell you what the outcome is of their investigations and what they intend to do for the future to protect your son in the playground. Ask for a reply within 2 weeks. You do not need to go near the school or the head teacher, it is all in writing. I would not expect that you will get any kind of sensible reply but the step after that is to write to the Chair of Governors stating that you do not believe that the head has properly investigated this matter.
After two or three incidents you will have the evidence of the bullying and the lack of action by the school at which point you have a much better chance of winning at appeal,no guarantee but at least a good case to take to the panel.

He was on SA+ before he started school. He was downgraded to SA when all the NHS overstretched departments discharged him when he was in Y1 & Y2. They didn't discharge him because his problems were SOLVED, but because they were NEVER going to get any better than they had. And the fact that the PCT is nearly bankrupt in my area, and is hardly seeing anyone for anything any more. But it is OUTSIDE school involvement that necessitates SA+. Though he IS still seen by ENT and Audiology. So IMO should still BE on SA+.

He was discharged from Physio and OT with exercises that the SCHOOL are meant to do but DON'T. Another sore point as I don't have the exercises.

Add to that the fact that he suddenly 'jumped' in attainment in the January of Y2 to be at the 'average' level for his age in reading and maths but still waaaay behind on writing but that's down to his muscle problems.

The chance of getting a statement in an area that has been taken to court 3 times for placing ILLEGAL blanket levels before they will even ASSESS if you have a quiet, well-behaved dc that sits quietly and doesn't disturb the other dc in class sits somewhere between slim and non-existant without school Senco support. Which I unequivecolly do NOT have. Oh, she admits he has NEEDS. She just won't meet them herself, OR get the help he NEEDS to have them met.

WHY? Because money to the school for SA and SA+ ISN'T ringfenced to be spent on THAT child - so it's a good money-spinner for the school to update their library or pay for fucking 'sail-shades' for the playground - whereas for a STATEMENT, the money is ringfenced for THAt child, and can ONLY be spent on THAT child...

admission - I HAVE written to the Governors. Every time I have been unsatisfied with the Head's responses.

Nothing EVER gets done - all the Governors are personal FRIENDS of the HT. As are the OTHER local HT's. Who won't be forced to take a child even on appeal...because they are ALL foundation schools in this end of town EXCEPT the school they are currently at.

They can't be forced to take an extra child even on appeal if they say they are full. Out of 6 local schools, ONLY the one they are actually AT is LA run...

What hell hole do you live as I do not want to move there by accident

I would take him out of school (something I'm usually dead against) because of his vulnerability and the fact you've been told he can't be protected. I'd take him straight to the doctor, with photos, to explain why you've taken him out.

I would write to the school, make the appt with the head and, in the meeting TELL him you're both recording your meeting and taking notes. This is your right, even if he objects. You should send him a copy of the voice record and your notes (annotated to say you have done so). Can you manage this without flipping into seizure?

From my experience of corporate bullying, I can assure you that top-down bullying affects everyone in the instiution but falls hardest on the most sensitive

Just one more, slightly optimistic point. When they say they can keep him in, do they mean in a 'detention' type situation, or do they have a safe room? One of my nephews - dyspraxic - felt he was being relegated to a naughty hole, but it turned out to be a nice room with a SN assistant and things to do. He was never on his own there.

I was wondering about you taking ds to A&E to have his bites treated and surely they would have to report these injuries that happened at school...

Could rattle a few cages?

Good point, Random.

Are you not moving house soon or did I imagine that ? Could that offer a change of schools ?

There is no way I would send my child into that school again.
You do not need utility bills btw a rental agreement would be just fine and you can print those out yourself online or buy one from WH Smith for £6

In a room, with others who ARE on detention - only one 'manned' room st lunches. And it IS a punishment to my DS2 - who ONLY wants to wander the playground bug-hunting!!! He HATES to be kept in, there's no chance of spying an interesting caterpillar or bird or whatever inside. To him, it WOULD be a punishment.

Not severe enough for A&E - and I ALREADY took him to the GP TODAY, about YESTERDAY. The GP moaned at me for wasting his time with mior injuries that just needed time to heal and told me to take up the bullying with the school...

And as to TELLING the HT I am recording - he WILL stop the meeting and ask me to leave, and if I refuse, then he will have no problem AT ALL about getting me 'removed' from the school building, AND banning me from the school grounds.

Due to the threat of that LAST time, I dropped it all after my letter writing burst - because if I am banned from the school grounds, how can I take my dc and drop them off, and inform the class teacher when she needs to keep an eye on DS2's asthma, or if he needs an extra puff of his inhalers? How can I go to parents evenings? How can I take my dc to their summer and christmas fairs? How can I attend their class assemblies?

He is stopping me from getting this sorted by threats, I can't do all the above to my DC, but then again, I don't feel that I can let them keep on getting hurt too...

Nope, new house still in immediate area because of the Prohibited Steps Order against me preventing me from leaving this area because of my OLDER ds. No chance of a new school - no places, the schools there are ones they have been down on the lists for since they started Reception each. And I do phone up every 6 weeks to see if they have moved up the lists. They haven't. So they HAVE to stay at this school.

Even if I MOVED into this area from ANOTHER area - they children would get sent to my DS's CURRENT school. As the others are all foundation schools, they don't have to take any dc over when they say they are 'full'.

Which is why this school ends up with some classes running at 34/35 by the end of KS2.

You need to start writing everything down. And send everything recorded, copy in the governors, ofstead, lea, etc. Give them a reasonable time frame in which to answer your letter. Keep copies of the letters and get in touch with the polcie again. This is assault on your son, take it to your MP if the polcie also ignore you.

Keep coming on here for support and also let your ex know what is happening and get him on side. Take a friend to the school with you, if the head refuses to let you in, thats another witness to the school unwillingness to help you.

Where abouts ado you live, there may be someone on here that could act as support for you in RL.