Moved ds in year 6 - how long before we can expect him to settle in... if ever?

[Noellefielding]

We moved to get to better schools and for a better quality of life. It took forever to move so ds started in yr 6 of his new school. He hates it, he hates the town, he hates us for moving, he's miserable. He's tried really hard, we've done all the right things (fostering friendships, joining stuff, invitations round etc, enlisted help of school etc.) He just says it was too late to move, he'll never make friends here, he hates it, he's given it a chance etc etc etc.
I feel like the world's worst parent. It's breaking my heart seeing how unhappy he is.

Any positive advice I would appreciate, anything negative - I'm already saying all that to myself so no one need repeat it! I would love to hear positive stories of people who have moved and their child has come to be happy. It feels now like an impossible dream!

I moved schools part way through year 6. I hated it, I didn't make any friends, it was horrible. But once I went up to high school I was fine. Your ds doesn't have too much longer left at this school. Could you do some sort of activity that doesn't involve school at all to give him something to look forward to?

oh and I'm now 23 and can honestly say that this is the first time I've even thought of it for 10 years. Doesn't seem like much comfort now but in the long run it won't matter to him.

We moved when I was 11 and I hated my parents for it for the first year or so.

I think at this age it takes longer to settle.

If he is moving to high school in September everyone will be new and he may find that better.

We're trying to do all those things but he's finding everywhere very unfriendly, and I do see what he means, I feel like we've moved to a relatively affluent area and it sounds ridiculous, but the people do not seem as warm.
Is that heresy on mumsnet?!?!?!
Honestly it just feels chilly, or maybe it's just we're outsiders and it takes a long time to feel at home. I just feel I've ruined his life... I know that's not rational, it's just what I feel at the moment, I can't go to school and make people play with him at breaks. He has to get through the day himself.
Each day seems like a mountain to climb I think.

I don't think it's the affluence of the area, just some areas are less friendly than others (millionaires row near me seems to be very chummy; and friends have struggled in very working class areas, where everyone knew each other forever).
What is the catchment for the secondary like? Are there other areas where people might be more friendly? Do keep trying new activities, especially one off ones. Also talk to the school, as the social side should be just as important as academics in a good school.

Does he go to Scouts?

My son started at a new school in Y6 (last September) and has settled in well. I think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that he has gone out to play with children with similar interests (in his case scooter stunts and BMX) and has met other children at other schools. Does your son have any hobbies where he can meet like minded children? My son doesn't have a best friend (which he did have at his old school) but seems to have a group of friends who seem happy to see him (and spend time with him) which is more than I can ask for now.

How does the new secondary work?My son is at a single form entry school where half are going to the same secondary as him.The new secondary has 240 per year and are mainly from 4 local schools so everyone will be meeting new people. I suspect that ds' friendship group will change in Y7. If I was in your shoes and didn't work, I'd be sorely tempted to home ed until September so that your son would be on a equal footing to everyone else.

The biggest challenge for ds was that he came from a 3 form entry school and is now at a single form entry school. He finds it much harder to avoid "annoying"/badly behaved children and the smaller pool of children means that there are fewer potential friends.

Is the area quite mobile? In some areas, it's unusual for new people to join so they can be set in their ways. It's very common for newcomers to move into this area which I think helps.

Does he see his old friends and are his expectations realistic? Dd started Y4 last September and is aware that her good friends here are different to her good (old) friends and her new friends will probably be as close to her by the time she's mid-secondary school as that's how many years she knew her old friends. Her old friends (and their families) have known her since Reception so she can be herself with them. With her new friends' mums she is still polite like she is towards school teachers. She keeps in touch with her friends via Facebook (they send messages and comment on each other's photos) and has actually spent 3 nights at their house during half term. (Old place is 70 miles away and it's half term hence the length)

I have another child who started in Y1 last September. He has not settled in as well as his siblings as he is less outgoing. Nevertheless he has a handful of boys who are happy to play with him/partner him during school hours which is a great relief. The boys that he has become friends with are more socially confident than him and don't find ds' laidback and quiet nature a deterant.Have you asked the teacher which boys your son might get with? Don't forget that girls can get along with boys too. There's one who hangs around with the boys at the stunt park who is totally one of the gang (and respected for being able to do a tailwhip on her scooter).

Sorry it's long and quite rambly but I couldn't not answer when I went through the same experience.

Does it matter if he doesn't make friends now - he only has 4 1/2 months until he leaves and wont see most of them again.

Secondary will be a new start in September. Most children make new friends and move on when they start secondary.

Can you ride it out and come September he wont be the new boy everyone will be new.

Could some of the lack of warmth perhaphs be due to you being perceived as moving to get a better school place. Once places are announced and hopefully everyone has got what they wanted things may improve. I know of a mum shunned at primary level for playing the system (renting next to the school)

I feel like we've moved to a relatively affluent area and it sounds ridiculous, but the people do not seem as warm.

My mother would say that she had exactly the same experience. :(

We are going through exactly the same. Moved from Hungary to Somerset. DS is at a prep school and will stay there till end of year 8 and then continue on into the senior school.

I am dreading tomorrow. I know it will be a struggle to get him in. DH and I are at each other's throats as we are both stressed by it all. DH feels guilty as it is his old school.

The things we thought DS would enjoy he hates. Hasnt clicked with anyone. Won't let me invite anyone over. Won't join anything outside school.

I don't find it that friendly either so am struggling a bit.

We have just been to visit my family in Dublin for half term and DS was so happy with his cousins. He is an only child. I feel we have really isolated him. DH refusing to consider a move to Dublin.

And logically I know it is too soon to consider that anyway.

So no advice I'm afraid but lots of sympathy.

thanks so much for posting your experiences, it's really helpful.
He is doing sports and other activities which have not been warm places yet but we are not going to give up on that.
He has made a few friends in school and has played at theirs and they've been here. It's just at school it is very different - there is a strong hierarchy of boys and he hasn't found a way in, the dominant child appears to simply dislike him and effectively he's frozen out. The school have tried and failed to influence this child's attitude. Obviously it's not a simple business, ds clearly has to learn how to accept playing with other kids somehow, he just is finding the school an unfriendly place.
It's just trying to keep him going for a term and a half. It seems like nothing when you say it, but for a child it's a 5 hours a day trapped where he doesn't want to be. We are continuing to do all the right things though and are in close touch with the school so we won't give up and will do all we can.
I just feel crazy for not have tried to move sooner, just to have given him more of a chance to build something firmer in primary. Oh well, we live and learn but thanks.

Have you tried getting into scouts,sports clubs etc?

He may make friends from other schools or localities. It wont change the fact he hates his current school but could become a positive focus for him.

My experience with sports activities is that they don't tend to be the easiest of places in which to make friends. It's not that they're hostile by any means, it's just that people turn up, watch their children do whatever it is, then go. There is a bit of chat and whatnot between the parents, but nobody's inviting each other round for tea and cake after.

Now, this is absolutely I'm sure because my own ds is not involved with team sports (rather things like swimming lessons). I imagine team sports would make it easier as there'll be fundraisers and so on, so the parents get to know each other and as a result the children do too. But it won't happen over night.

I second suggestions for Scouts. DS (also Y6) has only recently started, and loves it. It has the bonus of there being camps and so on, too.

Sorry, I should have added that with Scouts, the leaders will make a point of integrating the new children. This isn't going to happen at riding or swimming lessons, say.

Also second what others have said about going up to secondary. Everything changes then. Maybe it'll be a tough term and a half, but things will get better.