What do you tell your children about how to deal with bullies?

[perceptionreality]

My daughter is in year 3. A new girl recently moved to the school and it seems (from what my dd is saying) that this child is playing manipulative games with the others (they are only a class of 7) - one day including some of the children but not the others in her games and generally stirring up trouble and being divisive. She also encouraged others to bullly ad taunt my dd about her watch and ear muffs (which the teacher has said she is allowed to wear). The teacher apparently dealt with this but problems are still going on. This girl is as nice as pie to my dd one week, trying to encourage her to come to her house etc and then turning on her the next (and doing the same with others as far as I know).

My dd has always been a popular girl who generally gets on with everyone and is rarely involved in conflict (as stated in her school report). Now for the forst time, she's coming home very unhappy though. I have told her that she needs to communicate with her teacher but she just dissolves to tears and says she feels sick.

The problem is of course that there are always going to be people you don't like in life and who knows why this girl is behaving like this (I tend to think you can't blame a child for their behaviour). But I don't know how to help dd deal with the situation more effectively.

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Well, I know it's going to come back to bite me in a few years, but I've been trying to teach my DD(5) to roll her eyes and say "Whatever" or "don't be ridiculous" and walk away. "That's unkind, I don't want to play with you" and "I'm going to play (something else) now" are also pretty effective. The more she can show that the other girl is not bothering her, the better--even if she is really upset. Hopefully the teacher will be able to keep an eye on the situation and get it under control, but the more confident your DD is the less she will get picked on.

NB: I'm not saying it's her fault, not at all, or that it's up to her to make it stop, just that if she can keep her cool the other girl might leave her alone.

It sounds as if that girl is playing power games. Yes, I think your DD should do the above suggested and try and distance herself from that girl. You said she plays those games with some others as well. Maybe she could focus on one or two of the other girls and not be so welcoming if the new girl approaches her/them and pretends to be friends again.

With DS (almost 7) it seems easier as boys appear more straight forward. I tell him to try and sort problems out himself first (stop it, this is upsetting me, leave me alone, etc) and if he can't tell his teacher. Seems to have worked so far.

This is a tough one. I've always encouraged my DD1 (10) to try and ignore this sort of behaviour or use the same sort of replies as letsblowthistacostand It's very difficult but she has to pretend it doesn't affect her or use humour "yes, my ear muffs are a little funny" said with a huge smile. IME it is difficult to teach. Keep the dialogue with your DD open though without bombarding her with questions.

Truth is there's only so much I think parents can do. It's not happening when you're there.

Role play is good. Practising retorts. I am a master of "Whatever" myself. "Is your brain as small as your vocabulary?" However, DS1 has the problem of being too articulate; DS2 is better at a simple "Shut up you Fat Face".

DD got called "a jerk" the other day & she snapped back "Takes one to know one!" She claims I taught her that (oops).

DD got moved classes when another child kept playing mind games with her, but sounds like not an option for OP? Such small classes the staff should easily be able to be on top of social disputes, I would have thought.

I do agree - it annoys me that this is not being resolved effectively - I may speak to the teacher again.

'boys appear more straight forward.' - so true. My oldest dd's behaviour analyst said the same.