Year 3 DS finds socialising difficult - what else can I do to help?

[sydenhamhiller]

DS in Y3 does well academically (not smug alert honest - to set background!), a quiet boy at school and loves rules/ hates getting in trouble...a little bit of a 'grey child' at school I think, which breaks my heart but as former teacher, do understand.

He struggles socially: since pre-school will have 1 or 2 close friends, but finds groups difficult - if suddenly another child at a playdate, DS will exclude himself, rather than the other children excluding him that makes any sense: he will just go to a different room and play by himself, or get a book and read. Even if kids he knows very well, rather than running with the pack at the park (like his Y1 sister), will sit and talk to adults...or read. And if he was happy with this, I'd be fine, but he'll say 'no one will play with me' and hasn't quite leant yet at the grand old age of 8 that usually, you have to join in the existing game if you want to play.

We have lots of playdates, I childmind, he stays with family, he's in beavers, swimming, school choir...I have tried to give him as many opportunities to socialise as I can, as I can see he finds it difficult, but if he doesn't want to go, I don't pressurise him. Through school, teachers have commented that he's quiet, needs to learn to 'extend his circle of friendships'...but then go straight to 'oh well, look where he is on this SATS graph', which drives me nuts! I know he's doing well academically, but it's his emotional/ social skills I have concerns about...

So...all through school DS finds the learning part of school fun, but the playground bit difficult - which has meant life has been more enjoyable as there is more 'structured' learning over the years. But I still really feel for him when he says "I just wandered round the playground at lunchtime mummy, cos no one would play with me...but I didn't really mind, I just thought about my learning". I could have wept at that, as I think he probably did mind, but was trying to be brave...

When he tells me things like that, I hasten to add I don't clasp him to my chest and weep, I say: "what about child A or B, could you play catch with them?" or "|Doctor Who chat with child D or |E". But he's not being ostracised/ bullied - he removes himself.

Aaaargh, guess really I know it's fine, everyone's different (as my DM keeps telling me), I just wish I knew what I could do to boost his social confidence... Anyone else out there? My friends tend to have super bouncy children who walk into soft plays/ parks/ camp sites and immediately make 10 new best friends, so they have no idea how I agonise...:o)

My DS is very like this. Can't the school be a bit more pro-active? Do they have a buddy bench or the equivalent?

He sounds lovely but it does cause pangs (I know).

That must be very difficult for your son and I'm sorry he's going through a hard time.
Do you think he worries about asking people to play with him? You could have a look at a resource 'Go Givers' have done for parents to help them work with their child to overcome fears. Best Wishes.

www.gogivers.org

www.gogivers.org/ggparents1.cfm?pageno=503215

Teach him chess

Sounds very much like my Y2 DS. I've spent a lot of the last year wondering how to help him with friendships/social skills. He also goes to various clubs including beavers and swimming and gets on well one on one with friends he has known a while, but really struggles at playtimes and it does make him sad. He mentions he gets left out a lot or isn't allowed to join in, but I think because he is so quiet he probably doesn't help himself. For example, he's not very good at chatting to other children unless he knows them really well and I think appears standoffish.

When I have spoken to his teachers, they just say to arrange different playdates, but it is hard if he doesn't mention particular children he wants to come back.

Know what you mean about friend's children too - most other children in the class seem super confident and it does seem to make the problem seem worse.

Good luck, be interested to know how you get on.

Awww, thanks guys! I realise it was an epic :)

I have mentioned this to every teacher at every parents evening, but in a very 'spirited', challenging London Y3 class, I think they all slightly roll their eyes and think 'middle class angst, please, you think your kid has problems'... Which I get. I do. But I partly think if he was level 1 not level 5 in Y3, and was thumping other kids, his (my!) anxieties would be addressed. His social anxiety is a problem for him, and I think it's slightly brushed under the carpet as it is such a lively class.

learnandsay thnx re chess. Have been, as it's right up his street...but it's another thing to 'escape' to like his books, and doesn't help him improve his social skills... Sigh.

Thanks everyone.

Alas, there are lots of children like that about (I have one...), but they never get to meet each other because they don't make the effort.

The learning mentor at my dss' school has set up a lunchtime play group in the playground, supervised by her but with older children running the games, so that children that might otherwise wander around on their own can join in with fun games (eg stuck in the mud) and play together without the stress of asking to join in or having to get upset that no-one else will follow the rules.

Mind you, this is for KS1 children, run by KS2 children. Might be a bit harder to organise for KS2 - unless being one of the people organising the games for younger children appeals to your ds's sense of responsibility!

My Yr3 DS is similar, if seasonal (will join in lunchtime football in the summer term when they're allowed on the field). If the other boys are playing some imaginative game he's especially clueless about joining in. Even in golden time last week he just watched. Why? Because the other boys were playing imaginatively with animals. Sorry doesn't really help you!

Does the school have a KS2 lunchtime chess club? Chess could widen his circle even if it's only one or two more friends.

Rabbitstew - having organised lunchtime games sounds like a great idea. I know my DS enjoys joining in things like tag or stuck in the mud, but often lacks the ability to do it on his own. I do worry how he will get on in juniors as I expect he will find playtimes even more daunting.

I think for my DS lunchtime clubs could be the way forward. He has just started a french club, hopefully they'll be others that appeal when he starts juniors.

Would be lovely if he could find a few more like minded souls.

If you teach a child chess properly then he or she can join in chess clubs and competitions. Chess clubs are often run in libraries too at weekends. Attending them is unlike many other games and activities in that it's both social and semi solitary. If you have chess-playing friends you can spend many hours just making moves. (I've played and run clubs often.) Look in the local paper and on the internet for clubs, age-related activities and competitions. People can play on the internet too. Chess friendships can be very strong indeed.

marking my place. My DS2 also has a "wary" strategy at school.

I have a DS like this in y4, just posted about it on another thread today.

It has taken me time to understand and accept that all children are different, and some are just "quiet" and don't just join in with the crowd. He seems happiest playing in his room with his lego, or reading or playing chess , or playing with his brother.

Our school was very different from yours, in that they were anxious about the fact that "he would not take instruction from his peers" and did not like to work in groups. These days that is a big defect, apparently. He was put on a social emotional IEP. This meant he did board games with other children once a week. . I agree that being a group worker is important for many, but I also think you have to accept that some people simply are not like that. we do not all fit the same mould.

I help my DS by sending him to martial arts (Judo and karate) which he loves, and it gives him something to talk about with the other boys, and they often show each other moves on the playground.

Also, I think that he has to learn about friendships, and fitting in socially. And that whilst I can help and encourage him, ultimately it is a big important thing he has to learn for himself. I am always open to talk to him if he is worried about it, but in the end he has to figure it out himself. It is an almost as important part of school as the academic side.

Our boys will learn, and they will be fine. Talk to the teacher if you are worried (again) and don't be worried to be perceived as middle class anxious or whatever. Nobody is going to look out for him like you do, after all.

My son is just like yours, quiet when in a group of 3 or more children, but fine when playing with one other child. Even if he knows and LIKES the other children, he still not join in their game and do his own thing.
He is in reception and doing very well academically.

I am lucky in that he has found a couple of little boys in his class that he plays with, but I worry about his social skills. I take him to tennis and football lessons and whilst I see the other boys approaching each other with ease, he doesn't mingle at all.

I have decided not to worry about it anymore, I will do all I can to help him socially but I cannot change who he is, but I would love to find ways of helping him learn better social skills. I just hope that he finds likeminded people during his life, because I know how horrible it is to feel out of place socially.

If anyone has successfully talked this type of situation, please share your tips.