Rough state- private perspective needed!

[jendot]

We moved 1.5yrs ago to a new area. I have 2 ds's one got a place in the local school which is small/ ofsted outstanding and he is settled and happy in every way.

The other is at another school on a 'rough' estate..school has endless problems controlling the children (and the parents) swearing is in common usage (even around the teachers) parents attack other parents and children/ children swear at parents, police always there etc etc He is of course on the waiting list for the 'nice' school but no place has become available in the 1.5yrs (we have just lost an appeal for a place too)

Now while we are VERY unhappy with the school/ standards/ educational opportunities etc DS is pretty happy there. Its an 'easy' ride. I consider him to be behind in all areas (except Maths and sport) and has some social/ emotional developmental special needs where as compared to his classmates (some of whom have REAL problems) he is a pretty average child. He falls between the kids who need real help and the G&T so is just left to plod along. He is not 'unhappy' but is not being stimulated / nurtured or encouraged in any way.

We have been looking at moving to him to a small independant school for the rest of his primary years (3.5yrs) it is a non selective school who are very nurturing and have an active special needs department and I think will encourage and nurture him into a higher level of achievement, (he will HAVE to go back into the state system for senior school and I think in order to enter the state senior school at a reasonable level he will need additional help from now on)

The cost to us financially for those years will be a big burden. But if we use our savings/ have no holidays/ no meals out etc we can just about afford it.

Ds doesn't want to move.... he is settled and has made friends. I feel like I have already dragged him half way across the country, dumped him in a dreadful school for 1.5yrs and now am going to yank him out and put him in a class of bright/ middle class kids..at a school who are going to have very high expectations of him, give him loads of homework and generally make his life difficult (compared to the easy ride he has so far been having) I also worry that he will stand out like a sore thumb as 'common' and 'thick'!
Ds's special needs mean that 'new' things/ things that change cause him big problems and anxiety. It took a year for him to really settle where he is.....

I hate being a parent! I hate having to make decisions that 'I' think are the correct ones for his future..steamrollering over what he thinks (but at 7 he is not capable of making a decision like this).

I could leave him where he is, coasting along, making innappropriate friends and then look back when he is older and say 'I wish I had moved him'.

Or I can move him and hope to god Ive made the right decision!

I don't even really know what I am asking...'Am I being unreasonable' maybe?

Just a quick update. Trial day went amazingly brilliantly. My little man who normally comes out of school sullen and apathetic and who will offer no explanation of his day except to say it was 'boring' came running out of new school with a big smile on his face and chatted non stop about it all evening... His dad commented he had never seen him so animated about anything! Just now he asked me to count how many days until he started his new school. Yay!
At least we are on track for a smooth move
Thanks so much for all your wise words of wisdom.

Wow, great outcome!
Well done for pursuing what you think is bestfor your child and not being widetracked by apathy, indecision or fear!

Hi jendot, don't have much to add-I'm going through the dilemma of whether to move my DS at the mo too but just clicked on your thread and read through.

I just wanted to say I'm so pleased the trial day worked out well for your DS. It's really hard being a parent sometimes isn't it? The constant worry that you are doing the wrong thing/trying to make the best decision for them.

I think your DS is so lucky to have such lovely parents and it sounds as if he will do really well at his new school. FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing. Good luck to your little man!

You are doing the right thing.

jendot,

So glad it worked out that way! My DS (then end of Year 1) became a selective mute at his first school through anxiety, and his head said she thought he was 'unlikely ever to thrive in mainstream school'.

I HEd for a bit, we moved town... put DS into a new school with great trepidation ... and at the end of his first day he came out talking 19 to the dozen and hasn't stopped since! He's now in Year 6 and his friends (ah yes, he has friends - another thing that his old head said he would never have) think that the idea that he used not to speak is genuinely hilarious as he never shuts up!

Ths for updating everyone Jendot.

I'm really pleased its worked out so well. Good Luck at the new school.

Hi,
sounds like you have made the decision and yes, parenting can be horrendous as you end up making choices you never bargained for (speaking from personal experience, here).

I do think you are right to move him You need to think ahead and he will not be equipped to gain a place at an excellent secondary or independent school as he simply will not have the skills, if you keep him there. Hence you could be locked in a downward spiral.

Tutoring (it's what I do) will help raise his standards but the lower the school level and the more disruptive the environment, the more coaching and support he will need, and with no guarantee that he will even then gain a place. The competition, especially for boys, is extremely fierce.

But research your next schools very thoroughly, with feed-back from parents, to avoid the nastier cliquey ones!

Jane :)

I'd leave him where he is.

Your thinking is very self-sacrificial - which is laudable

But in the longer term, imagine a sweet prep-school infant, saying barth and clarse and loo, being chucked into the hurly-burly of the local comp, aged 11 ... Back with all the sweary kids. He's adapted, he's fine. He'll survive. Making him adapt again, and then again at 11 ... dunno if it's fair, really.

Quattrocento - how can you say 'leave him' when OP has said what a difference 1 day at the new school has made to her son!? It may be that 'he will survive' at the rough primary, but most parents want much more tha survival - things like happiness, progress and safety.

OP - if the new school goes up to 13 and you can afford it, leave him until then. And choose his next school with care. Many prep school kids go into comps at 13 with enough confidence that they adapt without much trouble

I'm sorry not to have read the whole thread - just the OP (where the DS was described as 'pretty happy') - therefore I didn't make any sense!

Good luck at the new school

Just like to make a point-I say "barth" and "class" but I went to a normal state school.

it's not only posh-os that pronounce words that way-it can depend where you are from in the country.

Sounds like you have made your decision, our dd also was so different coming home from school each day, like your son, never really told us much, now we have it all, what she has done, what she is doing tomorrow.

Today she went to a party and as she was leaving, waved to one of the other little boys and said enthusiastically 'see you at school tomorrow', she was actually looking forward to going - that wouldn't have happened this time last year! - It is those little things that make the difference.

The kids are great, well mannered, polite and not 'snobby', the parents all trying their hardest to keep their kids at the school and pay the fees!! Yes a few are 'loaded', but most are doing the best they can, with mums working, because that pays the fees, today at the party at least four mums said they aren't going away this half term or Easter, because of the prices of holidays, like us, their priorities are elsewhere.

Best of luck.

All signed up, uniform purchased (ouch!)...old school left (not a backward glance..no one he wanted to go in and say goodbye to...didn't even want to go in to say bye to his teacher, I think that speaks volumes in itself!).

New school here we come...no going back now!!

Quattro- New school Tis not a posh school at all.... just normal and nice.
We speak 'nicely' but not poshly at home so ds already has our accent... so he would have had that to deal with at secondary anyway. Our catchment senior is pretty reasonable as are the other local ones so Im not overly worried.

Secondsister- thanks for your kind words. I think as parents we all just want to do what is right for our kids. Sometimes you have to take the hard way to get where you want to go. Its difficult for me to make such important decisions, knowing that what I decide has such a huge impact on his life. But it would have been wrong of me not to have followed through on this...the weight that has been lifted now it is done is immense!! If it turns out to have been the wrong decision then I can at least hand on heart say 'I did what I thought was right'.
Hope all goes well with your ds?

That is great news and I am so pleased that you made the decision, I doubt you will regret it. After the first week at her new school my DD announced that she no longer liked weekends because she couldnt go to school and today, at the start of her second week she bounced out full of stories about her lessons and her new best friend and I couldn't be more thrilled. Making the decision is incredibly hard, making that decision when you have another child you wont consider moving is even harder. A number of people have said to me that we have made a very brave decision but I don't feel that we had a choice, we had to do the right thing for DD and it happened to be different to what we had done for DS.

Good Luck
It's a really hard decision to make - kids tend to make the best of a bad situation, I think his taster day gave him a good basis for comparison! We have £3k + a month going out on prep school fees which is a struggle (to say the least), but worth every penny - I'd pay double - if I had it.
The perception that indies are full of posh people is intriguing, there is a much higher proportion of 'normal' parents just struggling to give their kids the best education they possibly can than you would like to think (aimed at previous posters comments). My mum sacrificed everything to send her kids to private school (and we were a million miles away from being 'middle class'!) and for that I will always be eternally grateful. Had she not have done that, I can say with absolute certainty that I would not be able to do for my kids what I am able to do now.