DS Reception - issues with another boy, WWYD?

[BarStoolLona]

Wise mumsnetters I need some advice.

DS1 is in reception (late august birthday). He's been having issues with another boy. Basically the other boy is more physical and loud than he is and my son reports that he 'follows him round the playground' at lunchtime. DS1 reports that the other boy doesn't say what he wants just gets very close to him. Anyway about a week ago something happened (not sure exactly what) and my son retaliated (think pushing him away/biting on coat etc)...my son was punished for this, not allowed to do his favourite activity in the afternoon. FWIW DS1 is just not a physical child with other children, e.g. some children hug others spontaneously, DS1 wouldn't do that, so I can't image how cross he got to retaliate in a physical way. Anyway, I accept that him being physical is wrong and he needs a sanction for that...school tell them they have spoken to him about finding a grown up in the playground to ask for help if he's feeling that cross again in the future. School were unclear about action/sanction for other boy.

Fast forward to friday and it's happened again. This time DS1 was followed, other boy bit/pushed him and DS1 bit/pushed back. I spoke to the school on friday (DS1 picked up by DH so I got his vague version of conversation with teacher so I rang them for full story). It wasn't usual teacher on Friday so she tells me that she'll be reporting back events to teacher on monday...no sanctions for either child yet as she tells me that is the usual teachers decision.

I asked her for a conversation with teacher on monday and I made the following suggestions:

• named people that DS1 can go to in the playground rather than a vague 'find a grown up'...these people to actively ask him how he is during playtimes
• someone to observe DS1 and the other boy during playtime/lunch

Feel like i'm the one making all the suggestions here...what should I expect from the school? Are my suggestions appropriate? I'm advising DS1 to stay away from the boy (but how can you do that when you're being followed???), and talk to a teacher...but he's so young, doesn't really have the experience or confidence to do that...arghhh!!!

I've spoken to another mum whose son went to nursery with this boy and she tells me that the the physical getting close behaviour/loud is usual for him...she and other parents have spoken to the teacher about him behaving this way to their kids.

I'm happy to confess here that i'm secretly pleased that DS1 is standing up for himself. Any advice gratefully received as I feel a bit out of my depth here. Sorry this is so long...thanks for reading if you got to the end.

I think you should be telling your ds1 to play with this boy who sounds like a loner - why would you be pleased he'd push & bite him?!

In most primary schools staff take turns supervising the playground so if you want names it will be Miss A on Monday morning Mrs B and Miss C at lunchtime Mrs D Monday afternoon and on Tuesday it is Mr E in the morning and Ms F in the afternoon ... they will also be responsible for many other children depending on the size of the school and may not always be able to actively seek out your son to find out how he is ... much simpler for him to seek out an adult if he has a problem.

Is it possible the other child likes your son (for some reason ) and is following in the hope of being allowed to play.

reception children do get close to each other - a lot of them are still really working out social boundaries. and are (in some cases) just 4. really young.

I know I have (internally) winced a few times when a small (yet substantially biger than my tiny dd2) has bounded up in the morning and engulfed dd2 with a bear hug, before even saying hello. dd2 not fame dfor liking such close physical contact with relative strangers.

it is not practical (as mrz says) for the adult to be the one finding your ds. you need to support your ds, and build up his skills so he is able to keep his temper while finding an adult to help.

Thanks for different perspectives...much appreciated. You've given me lots to think about.

So you're unhappy (but secretly pleased) your son pushed or bit another boy who has been "following" him? Can you try to look at this from the other boy / his parents viewpoint?

Just because your son is young for the year doesn't mean he is going to be picked on or be the innocent party (and I say that as the parent of a July born boy).

The adults have loads of kids to try and watch in the playground, i do understand as my son is in reception also. The boys in his class tend to 'play' a game where they just shove each other off their feet. I got to school really early once and they were in the playground, ive seen how rough they play. I spook to the teacher about it even tho it wasnt my son as it looked horrible and another child ended up crying. They were aware and had spoken to the boys generally about rough play. My son is the smallest in the class so flys off his feet pretty well. Having said that, they are boys and i think the boys will find a far off place in the playground to play fight while the dinner ladies walk around holding hands with the girls and helping in their games. Not sure what you can do really.

Oh and when my eldest was in reception 15 years ago it was much the same. I think in the next few years they section off into smaller groups depending on how they like to play and then dont bother one another. My son is the smallest and a june baby but has still been in trouble for pushing etc

The advice for your son to find an adult is good advice. Remind him to find an adult every time it happens, even during the same playtime. If possible, he should go to the same adult so that they know it's an ongoing problem. I would expect the adult to suggest to the two boys that they play together and observe how they get on. If problems persist, the adult will deal with it.

You don't say how your son reacts to the boy following him but could your son be giving mixed signals by mistake? For example if your son runs away when he sees the boy could this boy be interpreting it as a game like It and thinks that your son wants to be chased?

It sounds like the other boy needs help in how to make friends but thst's obviously for the teacher and the boy's family to organise. In the meantime, I think that you are right to tell your son to get adult help as the threat could stop the other boy harassing your son and let the adults know how persistent the problem is.

When I first started school (many, many years ago) I was in a similar position in that there was another older girl who would ambush me and basically kept me prisoner for the whole of playtime. I don't think I did anything to encourage her behaviour. The only way I could avoid it was to get to my friends before she spotted me because, when I was in a group, she left me alone. I never told an adult but if I had and she told me I should play with this girl, I would have been horrified. I know she was a sad case, but, as a 5 year old, she wasn't my resposibility.