Reception DS saying his friends are being unkind to him

[reddi]

I am sure you are all familiar with this sort of story, but I think I am just posting for reassurance. DS is in reception and after a bit of a bumpy start seemed to make some friends - but a couple of boys he talked about in particular. These used to greet him when he came to school and be very friendly. DS has said that in the last few weeks they have been calling him names, taking toys off him and not involving him in their games. DS is upset about this and his behaviour at home has been affected - more argumentative etc.

DH went in for stay and play yestderday and noticed that other boys are now following suit, so he seems to have been picked as 'the boy to make fun of'. This makes me feel very sad. I know receptions kids are still learning about friendship and they can be very fickle but I am not sure what to do. The trouble is, and what makes me more sad, is that DS looks up to these boys and desperately wants to be friends with them. Part of me feels like moving to change schools (the school was not out first choice but is our nearest and all the others are oversubscribed and we wouldn't get in - I am being really positive about the school though but stuff like this makes me have a wobble!) but I know that's an over-reaction. I know I am probably blowing this out of all proportion and I cannot make these boys be nice to DS - although that is what I wish I could do!!

Anyone else have this experience? What did you do?

Haven't had this experience, but I think a quiet word with the teacher would be the place to start. The other children need to learn that this isn't acceptable behaviour sooner rather than later, for everyone's sake.

Good luck.

reddi really sorry to hear that your DS, and you, are going through this.

I don't have any direct experience but I really think you should speak to the class teacher and tell them exactly what is going on. They should then be able to keep an eye on things and use some strategies to get your DS involved with playing with some children. He certainly should not be a target for everyone to pick on, and whilst it may be not be an intentional bullying type situation it could certainly escalate to this.

Most of the schools now seem to have some good strategies and policies for ensuring that everyone is included and that bullying is not allowed and I feel hopeful that if you bring it to the attention of the teacher that you should be able to turn the situation around. What is the school like otherwise? I note you said it wasn't your first choice and just wondered if you are otherwise happy with it now?

We were looking around schools for the 2012 admissions and every school seemed to have a buddy system and strategies in place to ensure that children had others to play with them. I'm not saying that this was prevent children ever being without a buddy to play with but I did feel as though if a situation arose like you have that they would try to address the issue.

Also, do you think inviting a friend to play might help?

Good luck.

We're going through this with ds2 at the mo - he managed to convince me he had a poorly tummy on Monday so gave him a day off - next day had a huge meltdown re going into school. Eventually he admitted he was scared of another little boy in his class who had been hitting him. (used to be best friends last term )

Anyway I put a note in his home-school book outlining what ds had said ( stressing that I wasn't accusing anyone!) and asked if they could check it out. Teacher asked ds his side of the story and then spoke to both boys and had a chat re playing nicely and not hurting people etc, etc.

Ds is happier now and says that he and x are playing together again.

I would have a word with the class teacher to begin with and see what they say - it could be that a game or pattern of behaviour has got out of hand and your ds is bearing the brunt of it. It may not be directed at your ds but he feels like it is. The other question I would be asking is what is actually going on - not accusing your ds but tbf you only have his side of the story.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't be thinking of removing my child until I had tried to sort it out at school first. Good luck

Friendships change all the time at that age. I know my ds friends changed every time the teacher moved them around different tables (every term time). You could invite another child round to your house for an afternoon to help with friendships.
I would still have a word with the teacher though.

I think you need to talk to the teacher. Try to keep your personal emotional reaction under control, and report to her as neutrally as possible what he says is happening. And listen carefully to her take on it. If they have already noticed, what are they proposing to do about it? If they have not, what can they do to monitor and when can you have a follow up meeting.

It is in the whole class's interests that everyone learns to play and share nicely, so what you are raising is in the interests of the group, not just your DS, and it should be taken seriously.

Thanks all for your helpful replies. Yes, we are going to talk to the teacher about this tomorrow. We mentioned it to her this am but she said she hadn't noticed anything, but was very happy to discuss further. The teachers are actually very open to discussing these issues and I hope they will be able to keep an eye and intervene if necessary. We'll see how it goes tomorrow. I have had to have a word with her about the same boys in the past - as initially they were nasty to DS but then they seemed to play together nicely and be best friends. It does all feel like a cycle of behaviour that just needs to be kept in check.

I have actually tried to invite both boys round for a playdate in the past but in one instance the boy and his mum were ill and she hasn't since replied to my texts, though did come up to me in the playground and say she would be in touch (but hasn't yet) and in the other instance the boy's father has said they can come when the nights get lighter (I think the get the bus to and from school so must be complicated with transport). So its been a bit of a frustrating experience!

The school is making a lot of effort to improve its attainment results and it does have lessons social and emotional learning. I remember last term they had a discussion about what a bully was. DS said to me this am that he though they boys were being bullies. I know, from experience, how destructive just one or two children in your class can be if it is not dealt with effectively.

Anyway, see how we go tomorrow!