Is DS's school being too controlling, or am I being precious?

[croquembouche]

DS (7) has been getting upset in recent weeks, because his small school has introduced a 'buddying' scheme, whereby the children (in his class only) have to play with a randomly chosen classmate, instead of their usual friends, a few times a week. DS and his friends aren't happy with this, and don't really understand why they're being made to do it (nor do I - it hasn't been explained very well), but it's one or two play times a week, so it's no big deal. Despite protesting on behalf of his friends and classmates (who all hate it!), and being told 'tough' by the head, DS is taking it on the chin and getting on with it.

But now another controlled play time activity has started: compulsory sports for ten pupils at a time, on all three play times, two days a week. The children are told when they'll be playing sports, and yesterday, DS played at lunch time, and his three closest friends played in the morning and afternoon - so he didn't play with his friends all day. This is happening again tomorrow - and then the buddying thing again later in the week.

My gut feeling is that, overall, school is being too controlling of the children's play time, taking away too much of the little bit of autonomous time they have in school, when until now they have chosen who to play with, and what they'll play. I've had DS home angry and in tears several times now, because he hasn't had a chance to catch up with his friends again (they're put in ability groups for work, anyway, so they don't see much of each other during lesson time). He's cross, too, because it only seems to be his class/his teacher doing this, while other pupils in the school are getting more freedom.

Because even play time is still school time, do we just have to suck this up and get over ourselves, because I suppose if school so chose, it could control 100% of what pupils do and with whom during school time? Or is my instinct right, and they're making the children miserable unnecessarily, and I should step in (since DS's own valiant protest efforts have achieved nothing)?

have there been lots of friendship problems in the class? It sounds like one reason the school might have started this

I agree with snice - sounds like they are responding to problems that have arisen within the group, but it sounds a bit OTT to me. Kids need downtime, and at seven, they should be allowed to choose who they play with at least some of the time.

The bursting sounds fine - actually quite good. The compulsory sport sounds like a step too far.

My DD has been assigned playmates in yard since reception based on who she sits with at the tables. The tables change every week, in sctict rotation so she has played with everyone. Children have minders from older classes who buddy with them to look after them in yard and bring them to the yard teacher if they fall over or are too upset to sort out their own little squabbles. Otherwise children are not allowed to play with children from older classes or siblings.

I think it's marvellous and stops cliques dead.

It's obvious to me (from all the way over here on this end of the internet!!!!! ) there have been complaints / comments made to the school about the class your DS is in about cliques and the lack of mixing.

IMVHO 7 is too young to have besties and only play with a few in the class.

You may relish the skills your DS has to learn now as he moves into a bigger school, although the change is painful for him. But learning to mix and play with every other boy, no matter if he thinks they are a pal or not, is a fabulous skill, and especially as people are moving around now with work relocations etc.

It's up to you to encourage him to see the benefits of this whole class attitude to playmates, and also up to you to organise his playdates out of school hours so he reconnects with all his pals - from school and outside.

Good luck with it though - the initial change can be a shock. Accentuate the benefits to him and soon he'll be a better mixer.

I agree with pearshaped. At 7 it is good to mix with other children who they might not otherwise have spent time with.

I also think the sports thing is good so long as it's not just another games lesson. If the children are active throughout, and not standing about waiting for instruction, it can be a great way to burn energy and build relationships.

We are lucky because our children's classes tend to mix fairly well, although I disagree with some of the other posters, and I think despite some of the squables, having a group of close friends can help to build confidence and teach children to get through little upsets in their relationships. Despite only wanting 3 friends for her birthday everyday she says she has played with x and y.

It also helps them to learn which sort of friends they would like, one of dd1's friends was very possessive and said she had to play with her every day otherwise she wouldn't be her friend, after a year of this on off friendship, dd has decided to seek friends elsewhere. I would rather she learnt that lesson now for herself than in secondary school or in a possessive relationship.

I would maybe talk to the school, it may be nothing to do with your son and his friends, but that randomly he has been separated more from them than other children have.

I think it would be better at this age to get a TA to arrange compulsory playground games which involve lots of children, or indeed the sports, than making two children play together who don't want to. It is probably different if you start the system in reception. I would say that while you understand that they want the children to mix widely, you also feel that your son is being particularly affected by it, and what explainations you can give to him to help him deal with it.

I agree with what people are saying about mixing with different people, and that's why I think the buddying system is quite good. But I disagree with the idea that seven is too young for kids to choose their own friends. I don't think we should control every aspect of our children's lives, and if there are problems such as bullying or cliquiness, I think there may be better ways of addressing them. Ultimately, all kids will have to operate in the real world in which nobody will arrange their friendship groups for them - better that we give them the skills to cope with this reality than a short-term solution which gives them no responsibility or control.

I would just point out to the teacher how it has been for you son this week ie that he will not beable to play with his friends for three days this week. I think that is too much and would understand why he feels upset.

It is all very well to expect dc to mix their friendship groups but to not allow them to interact with their best friends for more than half the week, is too much.

I agree with the OP. The school is being ridiculously controlling. I would probably complain.

I think you might view things differently if it were your child who was being 'cliqued' out. Yes I think that they have taken a very heavy handed approach to things, but classes can change as happy working environments to tension filled ones over seemingly simple slights.

We had a girl transfer in from another school for the final two terms of Year 6. The mum was saying that at her old school the DD was 'cliqued out' to use auntevil's words. I suspect that had her old school pursued this approach she wouldn't be complaining about the school being 'controlling'. :)

And the fact that the OP's child was so upset at being made to play with other kids that weren't his BFs (shock, horror) suggest that there is a problem.