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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

How often is your Y3 DD invited out?

18 replies

donteatyourteawithnoknickerson · 20/01/2012 17:25

DD1 (almost 8) has been invited to friend's houses precisely twice in 12 months. She has no-one nearby to play with. One of these occasions she came home crying saying the other girls were picking on her. I ask her friends her at least once a month, but she never gets invited back :(. Should I be concerned about this? She occasionally asks why but seems happy enough generally.

Not sure if I should be bothered or enjoy her company before teenage years hit and then I never see her!

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redskyatnight · 20/01/2012 19:06

I have a Y3 DS and he also hardly ever gets invited to friends. I think it is a combination of his friends' parents - for various reasons they are not keen to have children round, and him - he has lot of people he is friends with but most of them are not very close friends - and perhaps wouldn't think of him when asking a friend round.

I'm working on the principle that he seems happy enough and doesn't seem to be short of people to play with at school - though like you I wish he had more friends who did invite him over!

BandOMothers · 20/01/2012 19:30

We only began at our school last term so I'm not going to be the best to answer but I know that in DDs last school we tended to invite far more often that we were invited!

I think some parents just can't be bothered and others work long hours...so weekends are for chillig out.

Try not to worry...Im trying not to! I don't drive either so it's difficult as I can't suggest a friend comes when I can't pick them up to take them home with us. There are all kinds of practial reasons....I have my DD on the waiting list for Brownies and am hoping this will help her get to know more kids...as it is, she's been invited once to another childs house and I want to reciprocte but can't with no car!

Could youu get your DD into a local brownies? She will meet local kids then.

PastSellByDate · 21/01/2012 13:06

Hi Donteat...

My DD1 is now Y4, but is often asked to things and we have to say no. Several problems:

we work full time
girls involved in a lot of outside of school clubs/ activities
we want family time ourselves
we regularly go walking on Sundays
we visit relatives & friends at weekends
we frequently travel (usually within UK to see friends now retired & family) during school half-terms

All of this means that often it takes months before we can reciprocate an invitation. We also find that last minute play dates are a nightmare logistically - DH may be away for work - I may have to work late, etc...

So although I understand your DD would like to have friends round a lot - I'm afraid sometimes modern working life doesn't make it so easy for some parents. When I was a child (as I'm sure was the case for you ) we were often around to neighbours to play or go cycling - and it just can't happen like that anymore.

One solution may be to join your DD to various clubs - rainbows, dancing, after school clubs, language clubs, etc... In this way she gets time out of class with friends, but it can be structured (which works well for busy parents).

If you don't work or are home some days of the week - you can suggest that a friend comes home with your DD and stays for tea. You may have to accept that the invitation won't be reciprocated - but I think you have to just overlook that and accept that it may be difficult for the parents concerned to organise the reciprocal arrangement, especially if their are other siblings (one friend has complained that a play date for one, means play dates for the other two - which is 3 afternoons/ evenings eaten up and she just doesn't have the time [she's a school teacher] until summer).

Hope that helps

FootprintsInTheSnow · 21/01/2012 13:11

Tbh - 'playdates' aren't easy to do when they spend most of their time in school. Clubs and childcare mean that our only regular 'opening' is Sundays, which is family time IMO.

I save invites for people we don't see regularly and birthdays.

FootprintsInTheSnow · 21/01/2012 13:14

Also - siblings complicate the equation. I'm mindful that if I invite a friend fo my Y3 DD, my YR DS will probably get left out of their games. So not only do I have to be on guest behaviour, but I also have to get down on the floor to play with DS to 'make it up to him'.

BandOMothers · 21/01/2012 13:23

I think the thing about "playdates" is that as past says they are so time consuming for working or otherwise busy people. As some mentioned siblings also need taking to activities and homework has to be done. Don''t worry too much OP...I'm not! If they're happy in school and maybe have some clubs to go to outseide school then they'll be just fine

I never had friends round...we were a family of 6 and it wasn't feasable. I had friends at chool and Brownies. Later, in Guides and high school I was able to visit mates alone and it all came together. I reckon a lot of people get less keen once the DC are older....often in reception and year one people are more "into" the idea...then they realise it's hard work!

Elibean · 21/01/2012 14:17

We have dd's friends over far more than she gets invited to theirs - mostly because most of her friends' mums are working, or they have heaps of siblings.

I think if your dd is ok with it, OP, I wouldn't worry - but you could initiate a general conversation about friendships to check she's happy with them overall?

ben5 · 21/01/2012 14:26

we save play dates for after shool till 5pm on fridays only. works really well. ds1 goes to as many houses as people we have back. ds2 is slowly getting into them but tking abit longer

itsonlyyearfour · 21/01/2012 18:10

We find playdates stressful having 4 children and working and I hope parents know if it takes us 3 months to invite a DC back it is only because of this - although I do always try and reciprocate.....

Having said that I rarely initiate playdates as it is a logistical nightmare and also it always ends up with the other siblings getting upset.

I know some parents do constant playdates, but their circumstances are very different, the DC know that and try not to get too uspet!!

ragged · 21/01/2012 18:32

I have a y3 DS with almost no social life. At least he's quite used to it.

BandOMothers · 21/01/2012 18:39

ragged I always think too much stress is placed on parents to provide a rockin' social life! They're kids...quite small ones at that. School is enough! Combined with one or at most two activities like cubs or whatever...it's enough!

Yes...some families are always running their kids here and there and they spend a LOT of time fostering these relationships but it's not going to help them learn to make friends themselves in the long run.

I wish more people would let the kids out to play! I let mine and the neighbours child looks out of the window and waves sadly! She's 9 ffs!

DexterTheCat · 21/01/2012 19:06

DS is year 3 and only gets invited to go friend's parties not just over to play. All his friend's parents work full time and probably like me want to spend their precious quality time with their own children and not someone elses!

BandOMothers · 21/01/2012 19:41

That's it Dexter!

southernbelle77 · 21/01/2012 19:56

DD is in year 3 and the playdates have certainly dried up more this year. I think most of them have activities on different days so it's hard to find a suitable day! I know that just with brownies most people go on different days Mon - Thurs as there are so many packs here all full!
We are having of DD's friends back next week and it's the first proper playdate since starting year 3. I am home so am more than happy to have them here and never expect reciprocation although it is nice for DD when she can go elsewhere!

Taffeta · 22/01/2012 17:00

DS is in Y3 and DD in Y1. They have friends over here about once a month. DS gets invited back about the same amount, DD hardly ever gets invited back, except in the holidays as:

Her best friend has after school activities every day after school
The only day DS doesn't have an activity that gets in the way is Weds, and her other friends have activities on Weds.

She doesn't mind, her best friend has her over in the holidays and she sees the others at parties etc.

So, IME, its just often doesn't suit.

dollywashers · 22/01/2012 18:55

My Year 3 DD probably has about 1 after school play date a month. She never really has weekend playdates. In the holidays we tend to meet up with groups of other parents/children from school in parks, soft play places etc depending on the weather.

I think the suggestion of maybe doing some after school activities is a good one. My DD goes to Brownies, a gardening club and art club. It fills in her time nicely and the rest of the nights are spent at home.

Do the parents of the children you are inviting work full time? Maybe that's why they are not recipocating.

sittinginthesun · 22/01/2012 19:44

I have a DS in year 3, and playdates have definitely dried up this year. He has clubs every day, except Fridays (although he also has an optional club on Fridays if he wants). He sees his friends at these clubs, and then sometimes has a friend over on a Saturday afternoon.

ponyprincess · 22/01/2012 23:16

My DD is year 4 and has a couple of play dates a month. She goes to friends and has them here, though we probably invite more than invited. That is fine for me, as I like to have her friends round here so I know who they are, and I want her to feel like her house is a place where her friends are welcome. For me, this is setting the stage for later, in teenage years, etc. I would rather have her hanging out with her friends at home then always being off somewhere with friends I don't know.

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