DS (6) unhappy at school - is there anything I can do?

[GoodDogs]

DS2 is in year 2. He is the youngest boy in his class (July birthday), and very young for his age. He is really struggling this year. I don't mean academically necessarily (tbh I don't know how he is getting on but in the past he has always been in the 3rd set of 4). I am more worried about his self confidence - 'I am stupid, I've got no friends', and his happiness at being at school, which he says makes him sad. His reaction to feeling sad is to play up, get all silly and shouty and not to as he is told, so the teacher is 'being mean' to him (understandably), by telling him off. What can I do to stop this downwards spiral?

By comparison, his brother has breezed through school, always did well and had loads of friends, so I have not had to deal with this before. I have never had to talk to school about DS1, and he has been there 5 years lol!

I am worried that DS2 will just behave worse and worse, and then feel worse, which will make him behave worse etc etc.

School's view is that he just needs to grow up a bit. I agree, but I also think he just isn't as ready as his classmates, and this is causing him to be really umhappy. Has anyone else's child been through this and got any advice?

Mum of Aug born DS here. We went for building confidence outside school so he had 'his' things he was good at & friends not related to school. For DS it's wildife/nature & tennis. Wildlife watch is kids arm of wildlife trust and activities are monthly and free. Mini tennis starts with foam balls (from age 3) and as youngsters they tend to be taught by teenagers who they really respond to. Lessons are as cheap as swimming lessons and our club charges an annual subscription of £10 for age8&under.

I think the school ought to offer a bit more support than just saying he needs to grow up. That's seems to be a bit of a cop-out. I'd go back to the school with some specific examples and a details, emphasising the self-confidence angle. It's in everyone's interest to address the issue sooner rather than later.

Would you take it as far as to consider moving him to another school, where he could make a fresh start?

Back again. Sorry to hear that DS2's experiences aren't unique. Hie teacher said when I picked him up that he had been silly again today, playing the class clown .

I know he is doing it because he doesn't feel good about himself . We do do stuff outside school - he is a good swimmer for his age, goes to beavers, and does a multi sports club too. He loves sport and is quite good at it, but it doesn't seem to 'keep him going' when he is at school. He also doesn't have any good friends at school or outside - he has buddies, but no one that will always be there to back him up. There are several cliques and he isn't in any of them.

I would like school to do something about his feelings of confidence, but I really don't know what. DS2 is in a full class of 30 at school (unlike DS who has had a max of 25), and they are a real mix of G&T and very bright ones with a smaller group of middle children and a quite big group of children who need support. DS falls outside the 'support' group, but I don't think he can keep up with the others. However, because he isn't falling behind as such, I reckon his needs are being ignored as they are to do with his immaturity, so school reckon it will be ok in time. Which they may be, but he might be a very sad little boy by then .

As for moving schools - there aren't any others that are practical to get to tbh, and I have liked all DS1's teachers. I also wonder whether it will be same problem, different school (plus added logisitical difficulties of DS's being at different schools!).

I'd try and find one thing that he does like doing, playing a game, pretending to be a character in a story, anything. I'd find something that he can do at school and that he likes, even if it meant taking time to build a model that he can take with him, or getting him involved in a well known local story, (for instance Enid Blyton used to live near us.) Then I'd get the support of the school and particularly his teacher so that she involved him in the presentation of that story, game or activity whenever they did it. And I'd have him looking forward to the next time it was going to happen during the intervening periods. (Put simply, he'd have something to look forward to in going to school.)

find out about home education

No need for hard hat! However I don't think it would be a good idea, for him or for me...

DS is a very lively, active child - I would be worn out home edding him. He needs more stimulus than I could give. Plus I work p/t, and that can't change for the foreseeable future.

I get your point though. What I would like is for him to be in Year 1 - he would 'fit it' fine there.

I take your point.

There is the likeihood, though, that home ed would allow him to be lively and active without wearing you out - keeping a lid on hisactiveness for hoursa day at school must be a stress for everyone; the lively and active HE children I know spend hours a day in the park/woods/swimming pool/soft play centre/garden etc

There are HE-friendly childminders around for when you are working (unless school is the free-at-point-of-delivery childcare which makes your work economically viable, of course). Otherwise, some HE families manage working by the two parents doing shifts with the children, or recruiting extended family, or swapping children with other families etc

Not trying to persuade you of anything, just make sure you don't say it wouldn't work if actually it might :)

I would start by going back to the school and requesting specific meeting, then talking to the teacher about all the issues that concern you. That is at least: his messing around in school, his lack of self-confidence, his lack of friends, his lack of progress. Ask what the school can do to tackle each issue, what you can do,and any other advice the school has. I would take a note book and take notes on what is agreed.
Next I would talk to him about why he messes around, does he think this is a good idea and so on.
I would also try to arrange more play dates with kids from school. In my experience boys don't really form cliques in the same way girls do, so it is usually much easier to become part of friendship groups.

I would also, actually talk to the leaders at his other activities and see if the same issues are seen there.

Good luck!

You could find out if they have responsibilities in class eg for watering plants, helping hand out pencils, collecting things from the office etc. This usually all helps to build confidence and his sense of responsibility in the classroom.

Poor boy - I feel bad for him . It does seem to be a sadly common problem for summer born children. DD1 (March b'day yr2) came home with a note from her friend (Aug b'day) saying "Sory dd1. I am rubish". I felt awful that her self-confidence seems to be taking such a battering and am scared on behalf of my dd2 (also Aug b'day) that it might affect her in the same way. DD2 was at a birthday party at the weekend of a child with a december birthday who is therefore still at preschool, while dd2 is in reception. She seemed so happy amongst that group of children and seemed to "fit" much better than in her reception class where the majority are already 5....

I don't know what to suggest for the best for your ds though. Maybe encourage closer friendships with more friends round for tea after school? ALso agree with speaking to the school. They should be doing more to help him - buddying him up with someone at playtime or more small group work with him....Ask if any parent helpers go in who could give him a bit of extra attention. I helped in dd1's yr 1 class last year and was normally given 2 "naughty" boys to do a specific activity with. The idea was that given extra attention their concentration would improve and they would become more stimulated by school and not forever be the ones getting told off. It seems to have worked a bit as they are better this year, but again that could be partly down to maturity anyway.

Dd is a late Aug birthday and now 7. Her accademic ability sounds on a par with your son's and she too is fairly immature compared to her peers.

I wrote spoke to the teachers and asked for a meeting with them and the head and then wrote to the head outlining all my concerns for dd. I was worried that she is a quiet well behaved child and would just sink quietly to the bottom of the average pile. We agreed that she needed to have more confidence at school so she is given some class jobs to do. She is sat near the front when they have carpet time so she has to pay attention and focus on what they are saying. They also try and emphasise the positive rather than the negative aspects of anything she does. I check up on this on a regular basis, being careful to be positive and grateful for their efforts.

On top of that, dd sees a tutor once a week. This has nothing to do with improving her progress at school, it is to allow her a safe space to tell someone all the things she has not understood and to get some help with them. This is helping dd's confidence a lot as when she feels overwhelmed by stuff at school, she knows that she has a way to deal with it that does not involve saying she does not understand in front of her friends.

Any update GoodDogs?

Hello
No real update, thanks for asking.
DS has had a mixed week apparently; he is still saying he is no good .
The class does have rotas for extra responsibility but the tasks are all shared equitably, so he can't have a 'special role' although I agree it would help.
I have invited classmates of his round to play, but it hasn't made any difference to what happens at school - the children just reform their existing cliques.
I also wish the teacher could focus on the positives, but I think it would take a huge turn around for that to happen and tbh, I don't think she is that bothered - she has more pressing demands what with meeting the needs of the pushy parents with G&T kids, plus trying to boost the (fairly large) number of children who are struggling much more.

I guess I do need to raise it with her formally though. Remind her that if he is behaving badly it is because he feels bad, not because he wants to annoy her.

It was all so easy with DS1, and like some of the PP, I really feel for DS2 who has to fight so much harder to get by

Sorry to hear that. If you don't get any action from the teacher, you may have to approach the head. Good luck.

Just to say my Ds has had similar problems since yr4. He is now in yr 6 and I moved him after xmas to a new school. The difference in him in 2.5 weeks is marked and I really regret not doing it sooner. Life is more complicated with DC at different schools but it has been well worth it.

would agree- A change of schools may be the best move if it can be managed logistically. Otherwise he may learn to cope but have problems that manifest later on. A lot always depends on the random intake of any class/year group and if his sibling is doing fine that may make him feel worse and that there is something wrong with him rather than with the situation.
Home Ed is hard work (did it for 3 years with mine) but he has turned out brilliant with oodles of confidence and social skills way better than mine.