Help needed - Private school interferring beyond remit?

[JayTay]

Hi, I'm new to these boards but get the impression you ladies are pretty good with this kind of thing & I really need some advice.

Looooong story short(ish) ex & I split up, it got really nasty, I had him arrested & got various orders against him, in retaliation he told SS I was neglecting & abusing DD (5), SS put her on the Child Protection Plan, then removed her after a couple of months stating they had no concerns whatsoever about me, but did about him. He applied for a contact order, was given 2 hours a week, reviewed every 6 weeks 3 times now, going to trial in spring. SS doing report, CRAPCASS guardian speaking to DD, she's been referred to CAHMS, she hates him & this forced court ordered contact is seriously distressing her.

Anyway, the problem I have is the school. They wrote & wrote & wrote to SS demanding their further involvement & that DD be put back on the CPP. I complained to the head of the junior school. SS in the end just ignored them telling ex & I to distance them from all of this. Ex ignored them & has been having constant weekly meetings with them. I complained to the head again. On the strength of his lies & with SS ignoring the school they then wrote to my solicitor, who wrote back saying this was none of their business but giving them an outline of the court orders re contact. I told them it was out of order & complained again. School then wrote to the District Judge demanding they be present at all future hearings & that their opinion be taken into account. Ex knew, I didn't till the judge said in the hearing! I confronted the head & she was very "so what? yes and?" about it. I complained to the governors about it & had a rubbish response. I replied saying it wasn't good enough & I would push this further if they don't sort it at this level.

Head of the senior school has now called me in to discuss this monday morning & I want to be prepared. I know private schools are not bound by the same rules & regs as state schools but surely this is absolutely unacceptable & out off their remit? Do they have any right to damand their involvement like this at the court? Do they have any right to an opinion on contact? Help!

TIA!

I was thinking more along lines ex would show up and attack you could get cctv/nanny cam up and bingo you have evidence....didn't realise the court order :(

Can you bring solicitor (I know expensive) or even better someone from SS with you to meeting? They will reclarify that dd is safe and not abused! This then will GO FOR YOU IN COURT?

SS and police on par with law and you have backing of SS...so do not worry about school...SS have seen this hundreds of times over bloody charming psychopath swooms arse off HT and she is sweet talked into believing the df...of because he has a nice suit on maybe lol....

Jay this did happen to me too, SS wrote a protection plan out for me in the end as ex kept (and still does) reports me for neglect and abuse....it is all down he wants to hurt me the best possible way ....which is taking ds off me. SS manager said it was classic behaviour of a ex/ex family to do!

If I had realised before I had my cctv fitted outside...I would have put it inside bedroom window looking out to catch ex attacting my house, as police could not do nothing without evidence and the sh'' stopped when cctv went up.

Is their a possibility he could attack you...should you have hidden cameras up ready inside house?

Ds as soon could talk said how ex abused ds...police didn't want to know as they said I was just after revenge...I have 3 staff members evidence he disclosed it too...so with your dd don't feel bad she hasn't disclosed to school etc as the police wont believe her either:(

Sh''!! isn't it...I know how you feel...I had to remove ds from the school re ex going to HT with his dm (also exHT!) I didn't stand a chance...they were pushing for CP register too...not the same bloke by and chance?

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? It's lifechanging. I totally recommend it.

They do sound like the same man!

When we move (if he EVER lets the divorce & house sale go through, though of course it's just another way to abuse & control me by keeping me married to him & in the marital home, my top priority will be security. I want video entry, CCTV, phones in every room, locks on inside doors, alarms... the lot.

I don't think he'd be stupid enough to do anything again because he knows now I WILL call the police & push it as far as I can & he WILL lose DD forever, but in a way I wish he would so I can get him for it. But saying that I've called the police 20 times in the last 18 months & they've done NOTHING. And the way he's abusing me now (destroying my job, my finances, my family, trying to get DD taken away from me, spreading convincing lies to anyone and everyone who will listen and they bloody believe him) is so much worse than physical & sexual abuse, I'd take that over this any day. Not that I'd ever take him back, but it was so much easier living with that than it is dealing with this.

Jay yep read Lundy Bancroft's book...have you read Robert Hare's book Without Conscience (most of it free to read on Amazon) explains about psychopaths...that was a light bulb moment!

I really can't believe the school...do you have a witness with you tomorrow...you need to go in be politie but firm. Say why are you persuing this constantly....when SS have reassurred you...see what they say...it sounds like your ex is projecting his behaviour as yours to the HT...and they are falling for the smooth talking and if he got the looks and suit and lovely blue eyes and the smooth talking then he can fool them...after all they are not trained to spot a psychopath. Plus everytime he reports they have to act...but they are going above and beyond...no one their related to your ex is their?

If you do move and get him taken off PR change your names, country, hide anything that conects you to this life and start afresh....my ex has been attacking my home for years...kicking, prising door open with screwdrivers, breaking outside lights to 'darken' the place so wont be spotted. Parking round the corner peeping through trees to make sure we are alone before the attacks....so no wittnesses and make me feel like I am losing my mind!

When no one listens to your ex he will up his anti and start attacking your house...I would get cctv hidden in upstairs window (so can;t see from outside) so overlooks front door and wait...he wont be able to help himself....he still thinks he has full control over you because yu never went to the police and he may well try to use rape again. Please be on guard....be careful leaving and coming home.

My ex never laid a finger on me...but I have had the attacks on the house and trying to break in and a fake petrol bomb. He tried to force open the sealed letterbox after the arson team sealed it to push something else though. I am petrified he will touch the house one night. I used to go 12 nights without sleeping as so frightened...then the night I'd fall asleep he would attack...I am sure he was watching and knew!

I would not be suprised if my home and computer is not bugged....the day I came home from hospital with ds (I had to stay in for 5 days and I didnt tell him I was in labour as we split when I was pregnant) the phone rang as soon as I walked in the door...that was freaky!

Tomorrow...stay calm, focused but firm...do not lose your temper as he has said to them you are a psychopath (he is projecting his behaviours onto you).
Always have your mobile on ready to record incase he does spring out on you outside. Plus a personal attack alarm....it's no way to live is it...I feel I am in prison in my own home:(

Thinking of you tomorrow let me know how you get on either here or PM me

Change your child's school today. This guy is clever and that makes him VERY dangerous. The desctruction of your personal reputation and credibility wth your child's school & the neighours could be only the beginning unless you toughen up FAST.

Your kid isn't safe and she's young enough to adjust, even if you change again in a few months when the house is sold. Right now her longterm mental health is far, far more important than a few terms of education. She can catch up on the education, she won't recover from the the ex's mind games if they continue.

Put in writing to new school that you have a non-molstation order but although your child witnessed your rape, you are still tryng to get the courts to acknoledge her needs. Tell (don't ask) the new school not to discuss your child with ANYONE not on a list provided by yourself.

Tell the current school you are removing your daughter from ther care due to ther failure to assure you that can protect your child from a violent man. Don't discuss - TELL. Put it clearly in wrting that they are constantly putting your vulnerable child at risk by pandering to this man, and copy it to social services. Say in the letter that every child has a right to feel safe in their school environment and they seem unwilling to provide this emotional securtity to your daughter.

Report the ex to the police, even if they take no notice at the time, it gets logged & this offical record is much more important than most women realise YEARS down the line. Evidence - log, log, log it! If you don't a barsteward will trip you up one day.

Chase Women's Aid for help.

When you get time DO read Robert Hare. Once you know what you are dealing with, you'll understand how to combat the ex and Robert Hare explains it brilliantly. Staying one step of the games is hard, but more than possible.

You need to change your child's school - NOW. I realise that there will be problems with your ex as he will seek to hold on to the control he has gained through manipulating the headteacher, who seems unworthy of her job. You need to write and state that they are damaging your child's sense of security, the school should be a place where she can feel safe and free from stress. This issue is clouding your family court issues and it needs to stop.

Our former headteacher sounded somewhat similar; playing devil's advocate. She suddenly resigned around a year ago. There were a number of other issues, but it happened after I demanded a meeting be minuted with a CS Manager present where we confronted her about meetings with paternal family members who did not have PR, even discussing another child of the family who was not even related to them! She was furious and it was so clear she was lying that the CS Manager stopped the meeting.

This may be a way forward; ask Childrens' Services to attend a meeting, have it minuted and try to bring about an agreement and resolution for the sake of your child. The alternative is that you need to make the move, for all of your sakes. It is hard to move schools, but I can assure you you will not look back.

Good luck.

Is it a stand alone independent school or is it part of a trust such as the Girl's Public Day School Trust?

If the former you will find it very diffcult to reign the HT in; if it's part of a trust a letter from your solicitor to the trustees should produce the desired result because they won't want to lose a fee-paying pupil.

Moving your dd to another school may be tempting but it's probable that the HT will make her concerns known to any other school you enrol your her in and, given what you've said about her seemingly cosy relationship with your ex, I doubt that you'll achieve a couple of days grace before your ex knows that your dd has moved schools.

If she is happy where she is a change of school is likely to adversely impact further on your dd and it seems grossly unfair to her that the HT has arbitrarily determined to ignore the advice and guidance of all of the other professionals involved in your dd's welfare.

On this basis you may be able to obtain relevant free legal advice from the Children's Legal Centre helpline 08088 020008 Monday-Friday during office hours - visit www.childrenslegalcentre.com

Alternatively, call the Rights of Women free legal advice helpline which is open Tues-Thurs 2-4 and 7-9pm and Friday 12-2pm see www.rightsofwomen.org

I would suggest that in the interim you cancel tomorrow's meeting citing a bout of dv or other excuse until such time as you can obtain further legal advice as, given the HT's seemingly entrenched posititon, it seems unlikely that there can be a productive outcome.

correction: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

In addition I would further advise that you ensure that you have a witness to any meetings you have with this particular HT.

and, wouldn't you know it, I forget to click convert links www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

if school are still concerned (and your dd's behaviour at home suggests to me they have every right to be) they are absolutely right to keep badgering ss. dd might not have a need to be on child protection on your account, but a child with a contact order in place to a rapist and abuser, who refuses to discuss her non-supervised court ordered contact time, and and has an outstanding camhs referral because of anxiety, really ought to still be under ss.

i have to say if i was a member of staff at the school i would be pushing for further ss involvement until they listened, and it would make me really suspicious if either parent was being obstructive, however lovely they were on the surface. professionally, i would not be carrying out my obligations to the child if i still had concerns but did nothing about them. particularly if anything happened further down the road.

whoever said that lack of multi-agency co-operation was a serious issue in all safeguarding failures was absolutely spot on.

welcome the school involvement. they are doing it because it is their job, and because they are trying to ensure the safety of your daughter.

JayTay I am not saying the school is right in their behaviour (I'm not in a position to judge) but they aren't doing anything you can prevent unless you move your child.

outofbody do you think the school is worried about the father not Jay?

Jay can you confirm what the HT keeps reporting to SS? Is it about you? Or could it be their worry over ex? If latter is the case you need to letthem carry on for evidence for court.

i think the school are worried, and both parents are telling them different things, which is making them more worried. it sounds as though they want ss to be aware that they still have ongoing concerns, whatever the results of the ss investigation into the mother. they have a current concern over the wellbeing of a child in their care (and so does the mother, hence the camhs referral and the difficulties surrounding the unsupervised contact time) and they are being fobbed off by ss and being told everything is ok.

clearly it is not ok. and the school are trying to get ss to understand that this case is not closed, whatever their preliminary investigation suggested.

this is a child who is suffering anxiety and other mental health issues who is being forced to spend unsupervised time with a man who raped her mother whilst she watched. and apparently ss think this is ok. she is 5.

if the op moves her child, it will look like she has something to hide from ss and other agencies. she needs to concentrate on working with ss and the school to help them safeguard her daughter. she has nothing to hide.

yes, she needs to concentrate on her own phsyical safety and that of her child, but so does the school, and that is what they are trying to do.

it may well be necessary to move the dd to another school. but only because you are worried about the father, not because the school are doing their job.

bump for update?

oh boy

u poor poor woman and ur poor daughter

i dont know how to help but ill just say keep every contact recorded and every log every time hes at school or anywhere else - with details. keep any and all electronic communications and build up ur case.

get on to the police- even if u have to complain about their lack of help.

i wish u the best of luck and am praying for u.