Y1 DD miserable at school

[mrsmcv]

My dd is five and a half and so miserable in school. She started in Jan into an established class and has become progressively more unhappy. There is a strong gang of girls which is fuelled by the parents and although I get on with the parents, my dd is left out of playdates, parties and all the rest of it. I've tried inviting them round, they've come and played and dd has been back but she's not happy or comfortable about it.

She tells me she just tries to stay out of everyone's way and she says she doesn't talk to anyone at school. The most upsetting thing she says is that she just wants to be ordinary. I'm a single mum and she's an only child but there's nothing else to mark her out and being on my own is not a big deal to me. I'm really content with our family life and don't feel anything is lacking. DD sees her dad regularly, has hols with him etc though he doesn't live locally and doesn't get involved in school (his choice). Money isn't really an issue either, though our income doesn't compare with a dual income household, we don't lack anything.

I wish I could just take her out of there. Her teacher says she is happy but she blatantly isn't and if her teacher could see the way she is now she doesn't have to go to school, she wouldn't recognise her. It's like getting her back again, she's so withdrawn during term time.

I want to take radical action like home-schooling her because I can't see how the experience of school is benefiting her. She isn't getting used to it, she just dislikes it more and more. It's like she doesn't know what being five and a half is about. To be honest, she has always been older than her years, it's like she's been here before and it always has been even when she was a tiny baby.

Her issues don't seem to be academic, it's social stuff. before she went to school, she was very sociable and loved being round other kids. She was always ready to join in and seemed to know how to but she doesn't seem to know what to do at school.

I think she's been bullied to whatever extent at some point since she started but I can't pinpoint it. She has obviously developed a coping strategy but that's not the same as being happy is it?

really wish this wasn't happening

Your poor dd, it must be very worrying for you.

Can you try and talk to the teacher again? This time with the Head present perhaps, and make them understand she isn't happy.

I can see how a class can be dominated by a group of girls, but there must be other kids there too? Can you focus on making friendships with the other children who also aren't in this gang (and don't get me started on the monthers, jeez)?

Personally I think a child who is struggling socially is not going to be helped by home schooling unless they are really being badly bullied etc but I don't know your child and I know home schoolers probably wouldn't agree with me.

Are you able to home school her?

Do you live somewhere where there is a thriving home scooling community ? I don't do HS myself but I know that where we live there is a great support network.
First though I would make an appointment with DDs teacher and head teacher .
Your LO is very lucky that you are caring so much about this .
Don't forget that she will be getting a huge amount of comfort from coming home to you , and from knowing that you are there to give her unlimited cuddles .

Are there any out of school activities your DD could join, so she could start to build up a circle of friends slowly outside the school environment? As an example, my DD has been going to a ballet class in a different town to where we live for two years, where she's made friends with children from other schools. She also goes to Rainbows - you could see if you could get your DD into her local group, or put her name down on the waiting list for Brownies, or Church Sunday School (I'm not particularly religious, but it is a good place to meet nice friendly people who could be really supportive).

Home education is always an option. We tried it for a while (whilst we were inbetween schools), but found that the home education community where we live was really tiny, and there was no-one of a similar age to our children, so it did prove quite a lonely experience. However, if you are lucky to have a thriving HE community in your area then why not give it a go - you've nothing to lose, if it will make your DD really happy.

Why did she join an established class in Jan? Have you moved house? Or moved school?

Home schooling is an excellent idea. It doesn't have to be for ever, it can be for as long or as short as you want. For example you could keep her home the rest of this year, and then this Sep or next start back in a different school.

Are there any other schools locally you could consider?

I'm not sure if this is something school can sort out. Certainly I don't think it's something they can sort out quickly, and I wouldn't be happy keeping her in for another term and another term while school promised me the world.

I would home school her. Immediately. Not go back in Jan.

Where did she do reception? Was she happy there? If so, can you move her back? If she has just started school altogether, were there reasons for that that could explain it? Are her social skills out of step with the other children?

Is there anything else that you could ask school to do that would make a difference ?

I'm thinking she is year1 - do they have more than one Y1 class she could swap to? Is she weak in any area - ie could she do maths or english with reception class, or a bit bright in any area and do again say maths or english with y2 ? even just for an hour a day would give her a break from her regular class.
Do they have a school council, houses or other ways of grouping children differently (lots seem to have an eco committee or school magazine that she could be part of).
What do they do for children who feal lost at break times? Could she be budded with an older child, join ay clubs that are run at lunchtimes (even if they are offered to older children she could be allowed to join in as an exception).
If school really wont do quite a few things,and quite fast then maybe consider a move.

Oh that sounds awful for her (and you)

Are there any other schools locally that may be a good fit eg maybe one with mixed classes so she would have chance to play with older kids perhaphs.

Maybe a fresh start would benefit her and at least you would know if it was the school or school in general that wasn't a good fit for her.

What activities does she do? Does she speak to children there.

My DD yr 1 does Rainbows (girl guides) which is good for socialising outside school.

My DD almost 6 is an only and very mature for her age aswell.

You say your daughter has become a different person when she doesn't have to go to school, and that she is naturally sociable but just doesn't seem to be happy at school. It sounds like home education could be a good way forward for her.

What concerns do you have about that idea which cause you to hesitate to try it?

Wow thank you all so much for your positive comments. I've decided to speak to her head and to her teacher together and to make this a formal meeting. DD is so mild-mannered that her protests will not register with anyone but the most astute and expert teacher, of which her reception teacher was one. The only thing that stops me home educating immediately is financial - I'm self-employed and have outstanding contracts that could be managed in the future but not if I walk with no notice. The home ed community where we live is really vibrant and I guess that's why I feel it's a viable option. I feel so much more confident in dealing with this, I thought I was being bonkers. Thank you all so much

I see, if you have to rearrange your work or scale back in order to take your daughter out of school then it makes sense to think carefully about whether it is the best way forward.

I don't know whether you've given any thought to having someone else look after her while you continue to work? That wouldn't be without financial consequences, but if you are eligible for the childcare element of Tax Credits then you could apply that toward a childminder, which would help with the costs somewhat. I used to send my older daughter to childminders while I worked, and she enjoyed the change of scene. The CMs were home educating too so she had the chance to play with older children there, which she loved. But you could equally use a CM who didn't have older children.

Apparently many childminders need to be reassured that you are only wanting childcare and wouldn't expect them to educate your child. The fact that they'd be looking after her during school hours isn't relevant, because you can choose your own schedule for home education. Parents tend to find that home education requires far fewer hours than school because it is more efficient: the child always gets material at the right level for her, has immediate access to an adult to answer her questions, and doesn't have to wait while the register is taken or other children are helped or disciplined. So you wouldn't have to allow anywhere near 30 hours a week.

Just another idea to consider!

Just to give a different point of view, to me it does seem to send your dd the message that if she finds it hard socially she should just run away. She's only been there a short time and the other kids have known each other much longer - it eems far too soon to give up on the school altogether. By all means speak to the svhool, and work on building up your dd's confidence/social life elsewhere. But if it was my dd, I would be focusing on arranging playdates with the kids with nice mums, as all my kids have borne out the theories that nice mums have nice kids! It might take a few weeks or even months, but will equip your dd with the skilss to hang on in there in tough social situations and know that it will all resolve itself in due curse. Most kids go through difficulties with friends at some point at primary school; mercifully they don't all leave as a result.

"all my kids have borne out the theories that nice mums have nice kids" - sorry, realised that read like I was referring to myself! - i meant that all their primary school friends have lovely mummies!

But I don't see leaving school as running away, it is just exploring a different environment in which she may be happier. Turn the situation on its head: suppose a child was being home educated and didn't enjoy the social side of it and wanted to give school a go - would that be "running away"? No, it would just be trying something different. It's a sensible thing to do if the option is there.

A year is a long time to have been unhappy. As an adult, if I had spent an entire year in a new job and still didn't get on with my co-workers I certainly wouldn't stay any longer just for the sake of "not running away". I would cut my losses and seek out a job which is a better fit. Why should a child have to put up with a situation which an adult wouldn't?

If there is a good alternative to this class, then being made to stay there won't teach her to stick it out when times are tough. It will just teach her that her needs and happiness don't matter. I agree with mrsmcv that coping isn't the same as being happy. Her daughter deserves to be happy.

We home ed. If there's a thriving scene where you are, it can be a fab fab fab way for a wilting violet to bloom in her own time in her own way, and join in socially as and when she is ready, rather than struggling for years on end. My experience of the HE community has been that it is fabulously quirky inclusive. There are lots of different sub-communities too - the Christian HEers in my area hardly know the left-liberal hippy types, and there's another whole subgroup of inaptly named "preschoolers" (since the age range in that gang goes up to 7 or 8). And then there's the multi-sports lot and the adventure playground lot, and the structured-classes lot, and the climbing wall lot and the meet-at-the-library lot. People move pretty fluidly between the different groupings depending on their circumstances and preferences.

My DD is Yr 7 now but I still remember how unhappy she was in Reception Year. No one would play with her so we spoke to the teacher. She made an effort to get other kids to play with her. We even invited a few girls home after school. But the friendships didnt develop. Things suddenly changed in Yr 1. One of the mums became DD's childminder and DD formed a close friendship with her daughter. Now other girls would ask to join the pair's games. By the end of Yr 1 DD was one of the most popular girls in the class.

Adult relationships are similar in that once you have two people talking about football for eg then others will naturally join in whereas if you are on your own...

I obviously don t know your DC's personality or the group dynamics in her class but we had a Yr R DD who hated school coz she had no friends who went on to become one of the most popular girls in Yr 1. So don't despair. It normally works it self out.

You could have been describing my dd in reception. Her teacher would not have it that she was unhappy. At the beginning of year 1 she came home in tears saying "it was happening again". I went straight in the next day to raise it and Her teacher recognised the problem straight away and talked to the class about being inclusive and not leaving others out. She then asked dd if she would like to say something and she did. She told the class it made her sad when they went off without her and left her out. She said that not having a best friend made it hard at playtime. She is emotionally mature for her age and so could express how she felt. I was incredibly proud of her and she has enjoyed school ever since. She knows that she can tell me or a teacher how she us feeling and something will be done. That very fact has given her the confidence to cope I think. I have kept up the playmates and steered her away from the core "girl gang" and now she plays mostly with 3 others but also makes sure other children are not left out

I asked her what helped in reception when she was having a hard time and she said Talking to me and dh, remembering that we loved her and going out fir cake once a week as an after scho treat.

Sorry, have rattled on a bit but talking to the teacher and encouraging them to take the issue of inclusion very seriously.

It sounds too me like your dd needs to either be home educated or try a different school. I was miserable in school and was left out a lot. When I was 7 my mum organised a brthday party and envited everyone in my class. Out of 30 children only 1 girl turned up. I was so devastated I never had another birthday party ever again! I think sticking up with a school that obviously doesn't fit your dd might create bigger problems further up the road.

All your contributions are a revelation and I'm seriously heartened to see what options we do have. I admit I am very torn between seeing this as a life lesson for her and teaching her how to fit in and accepting that it's quite likely she just isn't ever going to fit in, or perhaps more crucially, feel like she fits in. Lots of points of view, very helpful to me and giving me confidence to take on the situation without panicking. Not easy!

I'm a Y1 teacher and have had some groups of girls who make it very difficult for others. It's a multicultural school where some children choose their friends by religion or culture or as a result of parental friendships/contact outside school. It has not been helped by having only 12 girls out of 30 for the last two years. My class know that it is ok to talk about things that upset you, whether privately or in front of the class, and friendship issues are discussed openly and resolved together. As soon as someone says 'I didn't have anyone to play with' there are a dozen children determined to make their next playtime a much happier one.

Please talk to the head and class teacher, an unhappy child is not in the right frame of mind for learning and her happiness is the most important thing right now.

My dc had issues like this in Year 1 - approached the teacher who suggested playdates etc but didn't want to get directly involved as dcs had to learn to socialise themselves. Year 2 was more of the same dc had no friends - didn't get invited to parties, sat alone at dinner time, had come to believe he would never have friends and still the school failed to notice anything was wrong. Teacher was hopeless helpless - couldn't suggest anything to help him form friendships, even the HT was crap. I considered homeschooling for a long time...dh wasn't keen

But all was not lost, we took a chance, we moved school, to a school that was more rounded, focuses on all aspects of a childs development not just SATS - they are very keen to help dcs learn to socialise - they have trained adults on the playground who organise games and coach children in friendship making, they have a social group to teach social skill in a more direct fashion, they take social skills very seriously. The senco said to me - some kids pick things up easily, others don't - social skills need to be learnt and we all don't just pick them up through observation and experience in the playground. The big groups of kids who exclude children (not necessarily on purpose) need to be made aware of how the child on the outside feels.

My dc now has friends, he still struggles socially at times (I suspect he has mild Aspergers) but the school sees these challenges and rises to them rather than just telling me to arrange more playdates. I now feel my dc is in safe hands.

So there is hope out there!

My dd was so unhappy in her year one class (this time last year,so she is a year older than your Dd) that I think in an adult depression would have been diagnosed.She was classed as having "school phobia " by the Ed psych after doing some anxiety tests.She was so sad that she was opening her eyes and crying every morning and sobbing herself to sleep every night,and we had to force her to go to school.It was the most dreadful time for all of us as a family and we were baffled as to quite why it had gone so wrong.We took her out of school just before the end of the Christmas term,and home schooled her until this September when she started again at a new school,along with her sister who went into reception. She is now happy in her class,loves her new teacher and is transformed from this time last year.The months of home-ed allowed her to get happy again,but she was still on the anxious side and was very scared of going back,however with a bit of effort from the school,ed psych and ourselves it has worked so far. Now she will talk about it and it turns out she was very scared of one of the lunchtime helpers who shouted a lot,she didn't have any rapport with her teacher,and she was being picked on by some other children.She was five and had only just started full time and I think it was all a big shock,she is a gentle and sensitive little girl.Now she has a gentle and sensitive teacher which has really really helped,and the children in her new class have been welcoming and friendly.
I would have continued to home-ed but she was missing the social side of school and it was hard to meet any other girls her age even though we live in an area where home-ed is quite common.
So take heart,things change over time-maybe think about a different school,as I know others who have done that for similar reasons and it has worked out as it has for us (touch wood!).

I have been going through similar with my DD who is also 5.5. She is at a great school where her older brother is extremely happy but she has struggled socially right from when she joined in the nursery. She is a bit of a tomboy and very independently minded and is in a very cliquey class where the mothers have made it clear that boys do boys things together and the girls do girl things together and she is excluded. She gets on well on a one to one with some of the girls and she has playdates but he hasn't gelled with anyone. The school will not move her to the other year 1 class as it would set a precedent and she is not thriving at all. We have made the decision that we are moving her. Things have never been good and have made no progress over the last year so we are going to give her a fresh start. I imagine that some issues will follow her but I am confident that they can be addressed better elsewhere.