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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

invitations- give & take...????

28 replies

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 22:05

I am from a different culture and haven't been in the UK that long so I am still very confused and need your help.
Invitations? How does it work here? What is right & what is wrong?
I seem to invite children so they come with their parents, they don't invite my ds to theirs but they are always happy to come to ours and even invite themselves to our home; (Shall we get the dc together? Shall we come over next weel/this Friday?).
Is it normal here?
I really appreciate any posts on this because I am really confused!

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learnandsay · 16/12/2011 22:25

It all depends on what you want to achieve. If you want to have an open house and have all kinds of strangers, their parents, pet dogs cats and new spiders from the local pet shop crawling all over your new carpet, then just carry on as you are. It might make it easier if you got door keys cut so that people could let themselves into your house at odd times of the day and night too.

But, on the other hand...

If what you want is a relationship where you and your child are treated equally and provided for equally, then my suggestion would be this....

Slow down. Work out what you want. Is it parents who speak nicely? Those who decorate their homes nicely? Those who read nicely to their children? - Or whatever...

Choose one or two parents who fit your idea of what you are looking for within the group of children your child gets on with. It's about making friends as an adult, but just doing it though your children. It's a bit odd to begin with. But you get used to it.

Then you do an activity together, usually a play date or a visit to a local attraction. And the next time the other parent(s) make the arrangement(s) and invite you. There's no prescribed routine for who does what (not like buying rounds in an English pub. If you haven't been introduced to that ritual yet, ask an English person how that works.) But the basic idea of play dates and outings is that parents who share the same ideas about what they want, also share the effort of providing it, (more or less equally.) It's not scientific. But it should work out sort of equal.

I hope that essay helps!

3duracellbunnies · 16/12/2011 22:26

It's not polite to repeatedly not reciprocate, however small house with some younger siblings meant we weren't very proactive when dd1 started school. Maybe they feel their house is too small/messy, we go to one friend's house more than they come here as they have double the space.

If your child is genuinely friends with them, then maybe next time you will be doing decorating or are very busy and house a bit chaotic, so can't host - see whether they offer, or suggest going somewhere neutral like soft play or park in warmer weather. If your child not so bothered then maybe find you are busy. But that is probably quite British, finding alternatives rather than just asking them why not @ their house!

nailak · 16/12/2011 22:32

Yeah I agree, I find it hard to invite people due to lack of space, and never having snack type food to offer. It's embarassing. But I make the effort to maintain friendships by visiting, trips to park, for coffee etc.

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 22:43

Actually I am not really interested in making friends with the parents, I am just being friendly and polite as our dc are friends. My ds was only invited back twice and I dropped him off at the door. However when I invite a child back, the parent turns up as well with the younger sibling.
One thing I noticed from your posts is the space and the snacks; I have a much bigger house and snacks are always ready....Could this be the reason?

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Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:00

3duracell: I am glad that you think 'It's not polite to repeatedly not reciprocate'. I must say that although initially I liked some of the parents and thought of them as potential friends, unfortunatly I have lost interest now because of this matter.

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nailak · 16/12/2011 23:01

Well what is the area you live in like? Are there many on low incomes? Or like us 5 people in 2 bed house?

You may not be interested in making friends, but other mums generally are? And especially at this age want to know the families of their kids friends before they feel.comfortable leaving them?

3duracellbunnies · 16/12/2011 23:03

Some children don't like to stay without a parent even through yr1, however this is no reason for you to be always hosting parent and siblings unless they are mutural friends (mine is one of my best friends, she oft comes here in day when they are all at school, but when the kiddie count reaches 5 no one is happy squeezed in a small space. I would always offer snack, and usually give main meal, at playdates, so doubt it is that.

I think maybe do mixture sometimes have them over, sometimes go somewhere neutral. If she finds is paying for soft play a lot, the balance may tip back in favour of you dropping your son at her house! Also it may help her to think that your house is sometimes chaotic too. It is impossible hard keeping all the kiddie junk contained in a small space. She probably feels embarassed.

Also be aware that your son may have said something about it being small/messy. Whenever one particular child comes over, however much I have tidied up she always says it is messy, which makes me less inclinded to invite her, esp as I have been in her house which is also just as messy! I'm not saying he has, but you could ask him gently if he liked going to x's house, he may say to you that it was small/messy, in which case you can have discussion about how he is lucky, but making sure he doesn't discuss it with friend.

nailak · 16/12/2011 23:03

I would normally invite people anyway, and they usually after that suggest somewhere else to meet as my house is small, so my 3 kids plus theirs is sometimes too much. But my good friends don't really care, and will come with snacks, help me cook, clean up after kids play etc.

Maybe its more embarasment then rudeness?

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:19

I am sure my ds didn't say anything. The mums keep saying how polite and appreciative he is. A couple of mums told me that he appreciate even the smallest thing although he is used to a different life style.( We never talk about material things, my ds doesn't like it when other dc refer to it)
My ds is 10 and almost 11!! All his friends go on trips and sleep over. Sometimes I pick the children up from school but the mum will still ring the bell after half an hour to come in for a chat(univited).
I have been here for a couple of years so I have met the parents, they know us...

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nailak · 16/12/2011 23:24

Oh I assumed he was younger, around 5! That is weird then. At that age I wouldn't be following dd around!

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:25

(Maybe its more embarasment then rudeness?) I always wonder if that what it is?! I live very well now but I come from a very humble background and I am very hands on. I have very good friends who live in the smallest flat and I am as confortable in their homes as they are confortable in mine. I always think that 'space is in the heart'.

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Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:26

yes nailak, that's my point....

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3duracellbunnies · 16/12/2011 23:33

Also I guess it depends on the time frame. Dd2 in yrR has had two friends over, and one invite back for after Christmas, I think mainly because other children are oldest in family, so family not as geared up for playdates as dd2 who has loads of energy still and has seen dd1 having playdates here and at other's houses, so keener to get going earlier.

If your ds is in reception then maybe give them time and the return invites may come, if it has been going on like this for a year it is different. Also when I invite, I often say:- 'would x like to come over, I can pick them up from school and maybe you could collect them around 6', that way you are saving them a trip to school, and saying that you would rather they came alone, then the emphasis is on the parent to say 'oh that would be nice, but x is really nervous going to other's houses, maybe if I come the first time he can come alone the next.'

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:34

There is one parent who told me that she would like to introduce me to her mother and gran even so she suggested to drop in at my house with them....!!! Any thoughts?

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3duracellbunnies · 16/12/2011 23:40

Sorry, cross posted, dd1 (nearly 7) would die with embarassment if I went to a school friend's house uninvited when she was there , even if I was invited probably. Try some more out and about activities then. Our most talked about playdate was when we took dd1's friend to charity shop and bought some books. They might be trying to be friendly, depends where you are in SE would be unusual to just drop in, but other places have stronger community spirit and maybe they all think you are strange because you never pop in for tea and chat with them!

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:46

3duracell: I am in the SE and I can see that they don't just pop in for tea to each others houses. I guess thay think I am strange and they come for a show :)

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Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 16/12/2011 23:52

I am very hosipitable and always welcoming even when I don't feel like it. One of my colleagues( not from here either)thinks they are just being selfish and taking advantage. Could it be true?

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3duracellbunnies · 17/12/2011 07:08

I think if they were always sending their children around without them then yes they would be selfish, wanting free childcare, but at that age I think it must be more complex, because of the fact that they then turn up too. I have three great children, but life here is hectic, and if one of them is out for tea it gives me more quality time with the other two.

Is it mainly one mother, or is it lots of them? If just one mother I wonder whether someone else in the class can shed some light on the matter.

gabid · 17/12/2011 09:07

I do find that odd. OP you say you are very hospitable, is there anything you do or say that could make those parents think that you want to have such an open house?

If someone hasn't got the space to entertain then I would expect them to say and we meet at an alternative venue sometimes.

Some cultures are very hospitale and always welcoming, but there are usually rules to go with too. Maybe they think you enjoy it that way or they are just taking advantage of a seemingly good natured person. Which culture are you from? What are your rules?

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 09:31

3duracell: a couple of mums ask me often to look after their 2/3 dc while they go out. I didn't mind at the begining but when I noticed it's becoming a habit I stopped. THEY still ask but i still say no; i am becoming a big very inventive!

gabid: You are right, there are always rules in all culture and usually it is around treat people the way you want to be treated. The more hospitable the more rules!

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gabid · 17/12/2011 09:42

You are saying no and they still ask? By the sound of this I would distance myself as much as possible from those parents and tell them quite clearly that you can't babysit their children. Your DS seems to be at an age where he will soon be quite independent, so I feel it is enough to be polite and civil to the parents but choose your own friends to socialise.

Bunbaker · 17/12/2011 09:50

"I am very hospitable and always welcoming"

I think that's it. DD has a friend who spends a lot of time here because I always make her welcome, her mum works full time so she can't invite friends back anyway and their house is tiny.

I always take the view that it is nice that DD's friends feel so welcome here and that she has friends who want to see her.

I have a friend who always used to ask me to help out with childcare. When it started happening too often I started making up excuses. She doesn't ask any more. We are still friends though and DD still plays with her daughter.

whatstheetiquette · 17/12/2011 09:59

BlueElephant90 - there exists a type of parent who likes to dump their children whenever possible. If you have seemed willing to look after their kids in the past, you are a good target for them. I have been the victim of this - one woman in particular repeatedly asked me to have her children (not for important/urgent reasons) and I began to say no, making excuses. She didn't take the hint, continued asking many many times so in the end I had to be rude.

"Shall we come over?" - I think this is a bit much TBH. They should be saying "would you like to come over to ours". You don't invite yourself to someone else's house because that is rude. Unless between very established friendship and just making the most convenient arrangements.

Sounds like they are taking advantage of your hospitality and if you are not happy with it, then don't tolerate it.

Be careful though because your DS is 10 and so it is not like organising playdates for 2/3 year olds - a 10 yo is able to choose their own friends and should be able to issue their own invitations (with the prior permission of their parents).

Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 10:10

whats: I think you are very right. My ds invite his friends but the parents show up uninvited so I just have to be more assertive.

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Original poster

BlueElephant90 · 17/12/2011 10:12

bunbaker: I have used excuses but it's not working I think I will be just rude, I am sure it'll work :)

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