Do children make all their friends in reception and then that's it forever!

[skewiff]

DS has cerebral palsy and I do his exercises in the morning. He gets to school 40 minutes late. We agreed this with the school at the beginning of the school year.

Suddenly they want me to get him in earlier. I am explaining why his exercises are soooo important! At the moment he has no TA in school, despite having a statement.

Their reason for wanting him in earlier is that he is missing the moment in the morning when all the children choose who they are going to play with. School says that in Reception groups form and by Year 1 its too late to break into any friendship groups!!!

This has panicked me. I want to keep doing DS's exercises until school get a TA for him. I hope that will be just after Easter. Then the TA can do exercises with him in school. Am I damaging him socially in the meantime?

Just to add: DS is a very sociable little boy. He loves going to school and is very happy there. He seems to interact and be friends with several children. But who knows what goes on behind the school doors once they're closed ...

my DS's are 11, 8 and 4 (YR6,3 and R) - I am just about managing to keep track of DS1's friends now (though they have changed dramatically in the last year)...........the other 2 - haven't got a clue.

My experience is that friendships change a lot during the primary school years. By the time my ds left primary school, his best friend was the child who had been his sworn enemy for the first three years of school.

oh and I ask DS3 (reception) who he played with at school today and I'll be told

at first play I played with X
at lunch I played with Y
at second play I played with Z

the next day

X,y and Z aren't my friends any more I played with A,B and C.........

skewiff, is there anyway you could start your day earlier so you are not quite so late getting into school?

My DD has cystic fibrosis and has to have physio and medication every morning and so I know what it's like to have extra 'chores' to do before heading off to school.

I'm not a particularly early morning person but I am keen to have a routine that makes sure DD fits in with her peer group and even when her treatment may become more onerous in future (extra physio, nebulisers etc) I am still determined to get her to school on time.

As to whether friends change at school I have a no idea as DD has only just started reception too!

BaroqueAroundTheClock oooooh that sounds just like my dd they change friends like hot dinners.
Makes me wonder who she actually will bond with later on in the years.

Ds is still friend hopping too he is year2 I've not known him to stick to one friend. Maybe he gets it from me I'm a friend hopper haha

ugh, no, not fixed from so early ime, friendships are fluid, BUT I think you've postd about this before OP (or was a different user with rather similar situation?) and late arrival struck me as very unideal then, too.
Bad social street cred can hit a child & stick to them forever; I moved a DC school because they had become "unpopular" and needed a fresh start. So if the school are saying that he's being left out now I would pay heed to the risk, if nought else. In theory with playdate invites & other social occasions you could help make up for the missing social time.

No. I would say that most children are getting more fixed friendships part way through year 1 and into year 2, but they're not fixed even then.

Have you talked to them about it? Maybe they're fining it difficult to join groups that have started playing and just getting in 15 minutes earlier will make the difference.

DD is at secondary school with all her junior school cohort and has nothing to do with any of them

Hi Skewiff:

I think there may be a half-way house. Why not ask the teachers/ school if they can support your need to have morning physio for your DS but make a game of it by having the teacher ask the kids in his class who wants to be my helper today and help me with your DS today and catch him up on what has been happening?

It can be a special perk kind of thing - it certainly makes kids feel very important if they can help. If the teacher plays up that it's really important to explain x clearly or show them what we've started to do - all the better.

Anyway hang in there. I have one DD in Y4 - her best friend is out of school a lot because she is on a national training scheme for her sport. She's fantastic at it, but misses a lot of school. It's never stopped my DD and her being friends or playing together when they can (in or out of school).

I am guessing that their once he turns 5 it will be a late mark every day.

I would push for him to get a TA. In my school, the exercises are done by a trained TA (Got the training when needed to support the child). She was just withdrawn about 10 minutes after the reagister was taken, did the exercises, then came back to class.

I don't think his lateness will impact on friendships (think of all the children who move schools and make new friends ) but it will start to impact on his education.

I have been clear with the school that once DS starts Yr 1 he will begin school at exactly the same time as everyone else. At the moment in reception they are free play all morning, until after lunch (I know it sounds odd, as not all schools do this, but its true!!)

Thank you for all of your thoughts.

Legally children do not have to start until the term after their fifth birthday, which will be just after Easter in DS's case, so I guess this is when the late marks will happen ...

It sounds like you've considered the implications for once your ds is 5, but do you really need to make him late every day?

Can your day start earlier (as suggested above) so that he can start the day along with his classmates, or can his exercises be done after school?

I know that there is a boy in ds 1's class (year 1) who is often late for school (I don't know the reason why) and that the teacher and pupils find it very disruptive as the child has to be slotted into a group and the activity explained to him. I know that your ds's teacher is aware that he will be late every day, but it must cause some disruption to everybody.

Sorry I just also wanted to reply to mintyneb:

DS is so exhausted from the day at school he sleeps from 7 (in bed for 6.30) until nearly 8 every morning. I still have to wake him, even then and he is in such a deep sleep.

When he is tired he falls over and has more accidents, plus he is chaotic and his behaviour really suffers.

This is why I've been resisting waking him earlier.

i don't agree with that. We have a school with a transient population, and children find friends within hours (sometimes minutes!).

Reception classes should be running a play based curriculum, and there should be opportunities to mix all day.

It is often the mummies who want to sustain friendship groups, not the children's!

skewiff, that's a tricky one. Fortunately (I think that's the right way to look at it!), tiredness has never been one of DDs problems so i am able to get her up at the right time.

I guess its a bit of a learning curve for school and that whilst they were happy in theory to agree to your DS coming in late, now that they see it happening in practice they're not so sure it can work?

moonstorm made a good suggestion that perhaps his exercises could be done at school by a suitable TA, is that something you could explore?

Otherwise, once the new year is here, your DS is a bit older and the mornings are not quite so dark perhaps you could start getting him up a few minutes earlier each week? Sorry, you've probably thought all this through already.

On the friendship front, DD has come home the last couple of days saying so and so is her new best friend and she doesn't want to play with one of her oldest friends any more, so I guess relationships are pretty fluid at the moment!

I hope you are able to work something out with the school. It's hard enough having a young child settling in to a new environment with all that it entails without having extra things to worry about too

That is rubbish! Kids play with lots and lots of different people. Friendship groups change al the time, sometimes for good sometimes for bad. When teachers ever say year 1 or year 2 or year 3 etc. is too late, they are usually wrong. Writing can be improved after year 2. Friendships for life are not made at age 4/5.

hiya skewiff,
I have a dd with cp although reception age seems a long time ago now as she has just started secondary school.
I also work with foundation/ks1 pupils so can 'see' inside the school too iyswim.

I would really push for a ta for your child to be supported in primary school as the longer he goes un supported the harder you will find it to get support put in place(the local authority will put so many hurdles in your way to save money),

there will be many things that your child may struggle to do in comparison to his peers-why make him struggle? he could have a little help to make life a little easier and learn at his pace.
(Many things that I hadn't even anticipated at this stage in my childs life - a good occupational therapist/physiotherapist will have seen before and should put action plans into place for you-before your child struggles!)
My dd had physio in school every day for 10 mins up until year 4(and boy did i notice the difference with muscles tightening etc when she said she no longer wanted physio at school and the daily battle began at home) and did have some differentiation in pe all given to her by a ta that was trained by the physio.when in reception/year 1 the other kids would sometimes lie down and copy the stretches being done, by year 2 the novelty was wearing off and dd would come inside 5 mins earlier from morning play(this was good as she would easily get cold outside with not moving around)and it would be started and by the time all the other children were in the classroom and sat down dd would be able to listen to the teacher explaining the next activity but still be doing stretches or standing on one leg etc and still be able to respond to the group questions.
My dd did and still does (in comparison to her peers)needs more sleep and tires easily so I do understand your reluctance to awaken any earlier as my dd is so bad tempered, more wobbly and unable to concentrate properly when tired,

but you are at the beginning of a journey in your ds's school life and will need to have a good working relationship with this school for the next seven years, so sadly I do fear that you may have to compromise with the late starts, how about going in late on a monday and friday(until easter) and then late on a friday until summer and get the school to implement physio as part of his daily routine too- so he gets more!

Good luck

chatee

What do you think about sticking with what I'm doing until they have a TA in place (I don't know if they're even going to agree to this - so far they've kept saying that a TA will make him separate and stop him socialising with the other children. I really do believe this is a money saving fob off, but have gone along with it so as not to cause trouble, stupidly!)

In DS's statement it says that he should get some 1:1 assistance and small group work. We have the review of the statement next term, so I need to get this more specified then.

I don't want to stop doing our exercises until I know things are being done properly at school and also feel that insisting that I only bring DS in early when a TA is brought in for him, will hopefully push the school more into getting one for him.

Does that sound reasonable?

in his statement what does he get 1-1 assistance for?
small group work?
does he get any visits from special advisory teachers or physio into school?

do the school currently employ a ta to deliver any of the above?

yes sounds reasonable but maybe give them one day attending on time? for X number of weeks until a ta is brought in(insert however many weeks you feel willi ng to wait)

i will dig out dd's statements over the weekend(in a BIG file now)and remind myself about dd at this age and pm you if you like?

It just says 'some 1:1 assistance and some small group work" it doesn't say how much or what for. But the statement was written when he was about 3 1/2 and has not been reviewed yet (should have been, school not organised it yet).

They have a couple of TAs for all 4 reception classes and kind of move them about helping different children all the time. But the school has said they don't think its right for DS to have his own TA for the reasons above.

At the moment they are suggesting that they would use the existing TAs to do DS's exercises, but I would want it to be the same person, every day. And I think DS needs a TA for things such as accessing areas of the curriculum ie making things, writing and drawing. At the moment he does very little of this stuff. Never makes anything at all, because he can't use his left hand. But he loves making things at home, with my help. He's told me he wants to make things at school, but can't.

I agree with you wanting it to be 1 main ta(and a spare one trained up in case of absence)and can see if the school have ta's that maybe are not 'full time' then why not give them the extra hours(less likely to be absent if have more hours as for someone to come in for only a couple of hours a day is more difficult to employ and less likely to 'see' a career progression from helping your ds)
Your ds should have been having statement reviews every 6 months(up until 5 years old), have they organised one for next term yet? I received the paperwork today for dd annual review for the end of february.
I really think you need to ensure his annual review and statement are amended to meet his current needs and would suggest talking to ipsea/sos sen (i am also happy to share my thoughts too off board -pm)
that's so sad that even he is noticing that he can't and doesn't do things because of his cp -shame on the school!

I think you ought to be following up that statement as well. See the SENCo ASAP! I think 'some 1:1 assistance needs to be converted into hours!