dd really scared of being told off

[Kerryblue]

My dd moved schools in September to join Yr 3 in a much bigger school (200 as opposed to 80). She joined her brother (yr 6) and best friend who she has known since nursery - also in year 3.

She has had quite a lot of problems settling in, mainly I think because she thought that her and her best friend would do everything together and she wouldn't need anyone else, when in reality her friend is friends with everyone else and popular in her own right iyswim.

However, she is just not happy and I don't know what to do about it.

Best friends mum (a good friend of mine) told me that some in her class think she is 'bossy' - true!! So I questioned her directly and said 'do you think you are bossy at school?' She said she wasn't sure but gave me some examples of what she has said and asked me if that was bossy?

Now what came out is that she sounds fearful, and I have to say, slightly paranoid about other children not doing as they are told in case the teacher tells them off. So she tells the others to 'put those things away', 'stop talking', 'do it this way' for example - obviously not endearing her to the other children at all. She does this, so she says, because she is 'scared of being told off'. It seems the teacher tells the whole class off a lot for the actions of a minority, and 'goes red in the face and shouts'.

She gave an example of a boy who had been sent to the staff room for hitting a classmate and when she heard the teacher coming back with him she 'was shaking, squeezing her hands tightly together and literally praying that they wouldn't get told off'.

Another event that made her cry tonight was when a boy had drawn a picture of santa with a blue face today and she laughed at it because 'she thought it was funny'. But 3 of her friends decided to tell the teacher and she was told 'you don't like it it people are mean to you do you, don't say things like that'. Cue big tears because one, friends grassed on her for an act that she didn't think was mean, just funny (and i know it may have upset the boy, I am not being precious about it) and two, because she was told off.

She said that at the old school she was happy because nobody shouted but at the new school she is 'scared'.

I am thinking of counselling for her tbh, not just because of this, but because of a lot of things that seem to make her sad about school. It's like she just can't fit in and be herself and I am envisaging her being unpopular for rest of primary school, and God help her when she starts secondary school

Please someone tell me I am over reacting!! And also, has anyone else gone down the counselling route with their child?

Not unusual in girls that age (I did my work experience in a school with this age group and there were girls there who seemed exactly like her).

You will have to talk to her and explain gently that other children won't like being told off by her any more than being told off by the teacher. You might also mention that telling other children not to do things won't stop the teacher from telling them off: she is just drawing attention to them and making it more likely that they get into trouble. Suggest ways in which she can distract herself so as not to notice what the other children are doing.

Anyone else got any pearls of wisdom?

dd was very quiet this morning, worrying about getting into trouble.

Cory, thank you. I had a long chat with her last night about trying not to be bossy and telling the others what to do. I have to started to give her omega vitamin tablets to help with her learning - but told her they are 'chill pills'!! She loves the idea that they are helping her to chill about getting into trouble and really believes that is what they are!

It's good to know that this type of behaviour is common in this age group girls.

MMMmmmm. I'm a big fan of Omega supplements (and generally giving the brain the nutrients it needs), but CHILL PILLS? I really don't think it's a good idea to be telling your DC that if she's feeling stressed and upset, she should be taking medication to alter her mood. This may be helpful to her right now in the short term but think about the associations you are setting up in her mind - could be damaging in the long run.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but really, really not a good idea IMO.

More useful in the long run - strategies for coping with class tellings off. She needs to know that she doesn't need to feel bad about a class telling off is she herself was not involved - tell her the teacher is doing two things at once, telling off the "bad" kids for doing X or Y, but also WARNING the rest of the class that they should not do X or Y.
She needs to know it's not her job to tell off the other kids - unless they are doing something dangerous/really stupid (when she should say stop, they tell an adult, and let the adult deal with it). Otherwise relationships with other DC are not going to flourish.

She could be scared about getting into trouble as she can't control it by "being good" if she feels the teacher is blaming her for behaviour of other DC.

My DS3 had similar issues, and it took quite a bit of work to drum into him that the other kids behavior was not his irresponsibility, and not to take class tellings off personally. In my DS case, these difficulties were as a result of him being at the very high end of the AS, and having the "social rule blindness" typical of

DC with this condition.

I had never even thought of those associations with 'chill pills' tbh. In my mind, it is a short term thing that she will get to know about eventually. Kind of like a placebo. Rather than a drug that will alter her mood iyswim.

Good point about the warning to the rest of the class. I hadn't thought of that either! And yes indeed, relationships are certainly not going to flourish if she continues will the tellings off!!

I told her off today myself. Not badly but raised my voice a bit and that was it, floods of tears and me feeling bloody awful about it because it is one thing that is really stressing her out atm. Bloody hell!

Poor DD , it all starts to feed on itself doesn't it.Now she's stressed about it, ALL tellings off are upsetting her.

I hope some of the suggestions above help her deal with things and it settles down soon.

Also, something that worked well with my DS when he was very upset about getting told off at home (especially if he thought it was unjustified), was to say "I have told you off for X, I'm upset you did X, but that's it finished with, we are starting again with a clean sheet and I am not cross with you anymore".

Yes, some children really need that closure. It's important that they are given the opportunity to give 'their side' of the story and also that there is opportunity to apologise and be forgiven.

Your dd needs to learn some coping strategies when things go wrong around her which are out of her control and nothing to do with her behaviour. If the other children are breaking rules that is their problem, not hers.

The school should be making this clear as it is a common problem at this age. Some children are just so eager to please and keen to get everything right that they can be easily distressed when other children don't share their motivation.

Do they have a 'traffic light' or other system which gives a visual sign to the child that they are in the 'good behaviour' place. Do they have a reward system and offer lots of praise. This is needed to balance out the 'telling offs'.