Advice pls - DD upset over punishment

[DevonDiva]

DD is 5 and in year 1. She has struggled with the transition from reception, although she tries very hard and no concerns have ever been raised over her behaviour. Her concentration isn't great and the other day she wasn't concentrating in a lesson and was playing around with something else. She was given a relatively mild, and I would say completely appropriate punishment, but was absolutely distraught - she was sobbing inconsoleably for quite a while, which is extremely unlike her. The teacher were fully aware of this. Since then she has been extremely reluctant to go to school, and again this is very evident to the teacher (clings to me when going in to class in the mornings etc. when she is normally very outgoing and jolly). The incident has completely rocked what little confidence she has. Apparently the teacher has not mentioned the incident again.
Should I say something, and if so, what? I fully accept that if she's done something wrong (and by her own admission she did) she should be punished, and to some extent she just needs to understand cause and effect. But on the other hand I feel it's set her back months. I suppose I'm just a bit surprised the teacher hasn't taken her aside and said something like "that's all in the past, let's start afresh while remembering not to do it again" as it's so obviously rattled her.

You're right, it's cause and effect and she will learn.

Carry on telling her each new day is a fresh one and the teacher has already forgiven her. (even if it's a white lie. Told ds a similar thing, but he still is very wary of his teacher)

Bless her though. Wish ds1 would be a bit more conscientious (sp?) and stop making the same mistakes. He has two teachers and I think they have different tolerance levels for certain behaviour.

Praise her for good stuffshe did at school -even small stuff - after she's told you. Hope she cheers up soon.

Thanks, WooOoo. We try to do this, and hopefully she will just grow a slightly thicker skin. She thinks her teacher doesn't like her (and to be honest I think she may be right although I never let on!).

Talk to the teacher without your dd present. Don't go in all confrontational, but just to make her aware of what has happened with dd since. Ask her if she's noticed a change in your dd? What does she think is the problem? Explain your own observations, if you can without judgement. Hopefully, if she's a good teacher this will help her to work with dd to feel more confident (she may be aware there's an ongoing problem, but perhaps not what the trigger was? maybe she doesn't realise there's an issue at all?). It sounds like the discipline was appropriate, but for whatever reason your dd has reacted v strongly since, and IME as a parent, working jointly with the teacher is usually the fastest way to resolve these things.

Good luck!

Thanks MoTeaVate. Will maybe go and see her next week if no better. From what other parents say she tends to be a bit defensive though. She knows about DD's general lack of confidence at school (we've had a meeting) and I've explained she's quite sensitive, as to be fair you wouldn't automatically recognise it - she tends to hide it with boisterous behaviour!

Hi DevonDiva:

This is tricky. I can see why you feel it has set her back - but raising it with the teacher may come across as questioning her class management.

I suggest that you let things lie, but perhaps help your daughter to slip a note into the teacher's Christmas card. A written apology from your daughter saying more of less she's sorry and hopes they can still be friends will probably do more good than you saying anything.

I'm old and very jaded (my DDs are at a very odd school) - but I suspect a little note like that will get through a chink in the teacher's armour. It most likely will jolt the teacher into realising he/she's upset a child. Teacher's do it so often, they kind of get desensitized.

Think carefully before you go in. You said it was an appropriate punishment and I'm assuming your DD was crying in class? So presumably teacher knows what the effect was and most Yr1 teachers would then try to console/cheer up. The teacher won't have mentioned it again so as not to fan the flames. New start each day is one of the sayings at our school.

What do you want out of a meeting? If you would expect another child to receive the same punishment for the same lack of attention then surely you want consistency of approach?

The advice to give DD praise for good stuff at school and going in nicely is a positive way forward.

munstersmum - I'm not 100% sure what I want. I certainly wouldn't want her not to be fairly punished if she misbehaves again. I suppose it's just to acknowledge that DD doesn't seem to get the "today's another day" idea and still feels the teacher hasn't forgiven her. That's why I'm a bit wary about going in - I certainly don't want to make out I'm complaining about the punishment. However, I wonder if she needs a bit of a "let bygones be bygones" sort of chat. I don't think they did really tried to console her - it was near the end of the day and I think she just left her and sent her home still crying.

Wow, really? Are teachers that easily threatened that having a meeting to try to talk constructively would be construed as implicit criticism ?

Ouch if they left her just crying. That would have me going in.

Have you tried putting the bygones chat in context of her friendships with other girsl? You know - 'you didn't share whatever very nicely when friend was here but she's still asked you to play at her house.....'

Sorry pastsellbydate, missed your post. I don't really want to make DD apologise again for what was quite a small misdemeanor - it would be blowing it out of proportion. I would feel very differently if she'd been rude or accidently or intentionally hurt someone. I think 5 is a bit too young to be actively managing relationships like that, and I don't want her to feel her own feelings don't matter. I realise her response is out of proportion to what happened, but feel if a teacher upsets a child this much (intentionally or unintentionally) it's probably up to them or the parent rather than the child to ensure the relationship doesn't suffer going forward.

Munstersmum - she doesn't really want to talk about it with me and just gets upset. Will maybe try that approach though.

The bizarre thing is she doesn't bat an eyelid if I tell her off!