Friendship issues and DD.

[shellye]

This is hard to write. Would love some help and advice. DD in yr3 of private school. She is new to the school. We moved her for lots of reasons but I guess we may have been running away from some issues that will never resolve. She is a bright little girl who dips in and out of several spectrums, including ADD and Aspergers. She is certainly not bad enough for a statement. She is however emotionally and socially some way behind her peers. She seems to have real problems interacting knowing how to behave with other children. As her mother it is very distressing when the other new girl is getting lots of invites for play dates and DD gets none. She doesn't seem to care though.Emotionally she is always manic with no middle or low emotion. I often feel she is emotionless. I feel responsible although I know I cannot change her personality and have tried from birth to get her to be socially accepted. I would say she was over socialised if anything as she was always going to be an only child.

I have invited a couple of girls and both have made excuses. DD has always got on better with the boys as she is sporty and has high energy levels. She is not a pink girl and is very black and white in her approach to life. DH says I cannot do anything and I should accept her for what she is but natural instinct as a mother makes me want to stick a plaster on everything to make it better, and I feel powerless to do anything. Its destroying me. We all have expectations for our kids, mine is that she were just like any other girl. What would you do?

Is her school single sex? If not I'd accept that she's a tomboy and invite boys round for playdates etc.

I'd also talk to the school and see what support they can offer and which girls may be more similar to her in interests and personality.

Does she do any out of school activities? It might be easier to meet like minded girls at a club of some sort.

Thanks crazygracieuk. Not single sex. She was seen by a paediatric OT 18 months ago instead of a full psych assessment and they said to encourage lots of sport which she does in and out of school. Will talk to the school regarding this although they are aware. They suggested we board her a couple of nights a week to help her form relationships. I think she is a little young for that but I guess we will try anything that helps.

Does she have a preference for who she would like to invite? I'd definitely encorage boy friendships too as I think at this age they can be a lot less aware and a lot less judgemental so she may find it easier.

The other thing would be to go down the group activity route - football, karate class etc and then maybe suggest to one of the other mums that they join you for tea afterwards. I suspect that some mums may be uncomfortable about how their child will enjoy the playdate if your daughter finds some communication difficult so it may be easier if they are there too. It would also mean you got to know some other mothers better too. I know Yr3 is usually too old to have your mum come along too so maybe you could just raise this directly with some of the mums.

Possibly your daughter will always be better in a less direct group - you know her better than anyone here. So maybe you have to be careful about wishing for something you want rather than something she is aware she is missing out on?

Sorry - don't really have anything more specific other than make yourself available, friendly, chat at drop-off / pick up. Keep asking. Good luck.

I think trying to get a dx for her, to see if she does have ASD or ADHD or what is the key to finding out what is likely to help her the most.

Does she do brownies or beavers/cubs?

The right one should be inclusive and a wider mix of ages and children than school - might be a less pressured way to interact.

What about offering to take her and a friend to soft play area? The other child may be keen to do that type of activity and they can do some "playing alongside" rather than full-on playing together all the time which your dd may find more tricky.
I have taught several children at various places on the autistic spectrum. They are more unusual in their characteristics, but the ones I've taught have also been totally delightful and loveable. (Even the one who growls at me and told another teacher he was imagining her with an axe in her head! )

I'd say; try and spend some one-one one time with your daughter yourself ( not saying you don't already do this by the way). Let the play be led by her to some extent. Find out how she likes to play. (Jigsaws? reading together? fun sports challenges - eg how fast can you run around the tree at the bottom of the garden and come back- whatever) Do you have a water play place nearby? Get to know her particular strengths and play to those!