Dd3 getting bullied because of a friend- other mums don't care

[NoNoNora]

Dd3 is ih year four and since the term has began she's been getting bullied by her classmates (they won't play with her and a friend, they make prank phone calls to the house, deliberately poured juice into her oboe case, refused to clap when her and a friend did a class performance despite clapping for everyone else) because she's made a new friend. Her best (and only) friend moved away in May so she had to make a new one and reached out to the other girl in the class with no friends. The friend is a lovely girl and they seem to really get along (new best friends, apparently).

But I've had other mums approach me and tell me that I shouldn't let Dd3 play with her as they suspect that her mother is a prostitute (basically, because she's young and lives in a not-nice part of town). I laughed it off but they were quite serious. They don't let their children play with this girl and seem to support picking on her. Dd3 is a very nice child and wouldn't dream of dropping a friend (or, it seems, telling me when she's unhappy). The teachers are the ones who tell me what's going on at the school but all they can do is tell the kids off. The parents just don't care and have created bullies because they don't like a mother. These parents are on the PTA with me, on the church committe with me, and I don't understand why they would be so horrible to a little girl.

What can I do? Dd3 just seems to be accepting that people are mean to her and that it's normal.

I'm sorry, I don't have any real advice but I just want to congratulate you on what a nice girl your daughter sounds. She is being a really good friend to this other girl, and so are you by not listening to people's nasty comments. I bet she will remember you all her life and how kind you both were when everyone else was being so nasty. And perhaps your daughter will always remember being able to support someone who was having a hard time and how good that can make you feel.

I think the school should be doing more, though. Pouring juice into a musical instrument case and refusing to clap a performance both sound like grounds for a very stern response from the school to me. Perhaps you could approach the school and ask them what they are going to do about this? I expect others who have more experience can tell you what you should be saying/asking.

What do you say to the other mums when they suggest your daughter should not play with this girl? Maybe you should be a bit more proactive in telling them how ridiculous they are being. And even if the girl's mother is a prostitute, shouldn't that be grounds for being nicer to this girl, not nastier? I'm not suggesting that it's true but for those children for whom it is true it is hardly likely to be something that is an advantage in life.

i think the school need to start getting a bit more pro-active here.

i would expect them to be having parents in and talking to them about their children's behaviour and telling them what action they will be taking if it doesn't stop.

I would also be tempted to speak to the other girls parents again and tell them that if you keep getting prank calls you will be going to the police, and if your daughters instrument is damaged you will be billing them for it.
they can think whatever they like about this woman, but it is NOT ok for them to allow their children to bully others.

if all else fails I would probably talk to the girls myself if I could. not recommended, but there you go, there is no way i could stand by and not say anything.

Haberdashery- I tell the mothers that I'm not in the business of choosing my child's friends, but apparently that makes me a bad mother. Their teacher is very good about sending Dd3 and friend out of the room on an imaginary errand so she can tell the other children off without them feeling uncomfortable but it doesn't seem to work. These children have been given a carte blanche to do whatever they want to this girl and my daughter by association.

(To be honest, I feel like the other mothers are just jealous that the girl's mother is young, pretty and single.)

thisisyesterday- The group of mothers are on the PTA, governers, church group etc. they could very easily make life difficult for the teachers. One of the bullies has an aunt that works as the school nurse and I talk to her about it. But she just gets terribly embarrased. Dd2 (aged 17) has taken to answering the prank calls and asking to talk to their parents (and the aformentioned bully's sister, who is a classmate of hers), but Dd3 gets so embarrased and cries because she just wants to ignore it.

I've told Dd3 to tell me when these things happen but she really does think that this is normal (too many American high school dramas, I think) and that since they aren't beating her up it doesn't matter what they do.

What a horrible bunch of girls ? and equally horrible parents. Next time they suggest that DD?s friend?s mother is a prostitute, ask them how on earth they would know this.

Your DD would do well to keep away from these unpleasant children. And while no-one can force them to be friends with, or be nice, to your DD and her friend, their actual behaviour goes far beyond what is acceptable. Prank phone calls are a criminal offence, pouring juice into someone?s oboe case is vandalism. The school should have taken a far tougher line on this. I agree with thisisyesterday that you should speak to the other girls parents and threaten to go to the police if the prank calls continue or if there is any more vandalism.

In the meantime, I would answer the phone yourself as much as possible.

i think it's irrelevant whether the mothers are on the PTA etc etc.

how do you imagine they will make life difficult for the teachers?

if you honestly believe that the teachers are not disciplining these children simply because of who their mothers are then you need to take it to the LEA

If you are getting prank calls, I would tell the next prank caller that if it happens again, you will be contacting your phone provider, as making nusiance calls is a criminal offence. If it doesn't stop, then do ask the advice of your phone provider. Keep a record of the prank calls and who makes them (if you know) and if necessary, do go to the police.

I'd also keep a record of all school based incidents. If they continue, you need to go to the school again with a list of all the things that have happened and when, and ask the heaad to take some more definite action over it!

How many girls/mothers are involved in the bullying? Is it just a few or most of the class?

Sarahfreck- It seems to be all of the girls in the class and a few of the boys. I have mentioned the phone calls to a few of the mums but they deny all knowledge of them and promise to speak to their children but nothing ever happens.
I'm actually close friends with the head, and she and the deputy have spoken to the class while the girls have been sent out on tasks (apparently they've been made 'headteacher's helpers', which they are very proud of). But the children don't change their behaviour. I don't understand what the mothers are thinking, really.

I just hate that my lovely considerate daughter is being singled out for being nice (especially in a bloody Catholic school). I worry that the moral of this for her is not to be nice to people in need of friendship.

Note down the time of the calls, if there is a returnable number (dial 1471) and what has been said and talk to the police. If the parents are denying it, and possibly even encouraging it then you need to up the pressure. Wouldn't bother telling them you're doing it first, because no doubt they'll just find another way of bullying.

Of course if the parents get upset with you for taking it so far, you couldn't possibly have believed their little darlings would have done it, otherwise of course you'd have talked to them first.

1. Keep a diary of the incidents and record everything that happens date and time and what was said and your daughter?s reaction.
2. Tell the school tomorrow morning. Write to the Head of Year.

?My daughter is very unhappy at school because ??

1. At the end of next week, check with the school to see what has been done. Ask them what progress has been made regarding these problems.
2. If you are not happy that the problems are being addressed then take it up with the Headteacher. Ask what progress has been made regarding the problems.
3. You may choose to approach one of the Governors about the problems ?I?m concerned about ? I want to make sure that I?m going about this in the right way?. The Governors should just check that the correct procedures are been followed and may act as a 'friend' during the procedure.
4. How the school addresses parental concerns is a measure of how good the school is.

It doesn?t matter a jot who the other parents are.

Tell the school, tell the school, tell the school.

You have been told.

Camp outside th head teacher's office til you can see her and tell her all.

Sounds a bit Harper Valley PTA to me!

Such a shame their husbands have to pay for it, how else could they know? Something to give you a secret smile next time. I agree with other posts if the school aren't doing their job need to get serious, if they are harassing at this stage what will they do to others in future. It's not just a school issue if they are bothering you out of school.

"I'm actually close friends with the head, and she and the deputy have spoken to the class while the girls have been sent out on tasks (apparently they've been made 'headteacher's helpers', which they are very proud of). But the children don't change their behaviour. I don't understand what the mothers are thinking, really."

This is absolutely NOT the right way to stop bullying.

ALL the children need to do workshops TOGETHER with role play and group feedback to stop bullying. (see below)

It sounds like the 'bullies' are being punished, while the 'victims' are being isolated. Very very damaging for EVERYONE.

A whole school approach is scientifically proven to be most efficient - your school head is seriously behind the times with this punish and isolate tack.

look up KIVA in Finland to see how a whole school approach has completely stopped bullying in Finland.

Good luck - remember the bystanders have a massive role to play in stopping bullying - get your address book out and organise some big playdates - recruit support. Your DD needs to mix with more than one girl.

That's AWFUL, and at a Catholic school too, it's a crying shame.

I think it would take loads of courage to speak to the other parents, but they may not be clear about exactly what their children have done/ are doing. Even if you told them once, it may not have sunk in, and you may actually have not told them a crucial detail. Or they may think they have dealt with the problem. Speaking from experience...

Good luck, you sound so lovely, and your lovely children too.

"That's AWFUL, and at a Catholic school too, it's a crying shame. "

Because everyone knows what paragons of open minded tolerance exist within the Catholic Church!