Girls being mean. . . deal with it or ignore it?

[Jezabelle]

Dd1 is in year 1. She sometimes tells me that she has been upset by things that have happened in the playground. Yesterday she said that a girl in her class, (I'll call her Maya), was mean to her. She went to Maya's birthday party on Saturday and Maya said that dd should have worn a party dress rather than skirt and top . Then told her that she wouldn't invite her to another party. I know this may seem like girls being girls, but my dd really isn't that sort of a girl. She's quite sensitive and takes these sort of comments to heart.

So, she ended up in tears and went to her class teacher who told her to ignore the comments, in dds words, "the teacher never does anything!".

I actually struggled not to be cross with dd at crying. As an adult I realise that this reaction can fuel this sort of behaviour. So, I tell her to just shrug these comments off and go and play with someone else for a bit.

On the other hand I can see that it would have been upsetting for her. It was said in a group of her peers which is humiliating, plus at 5 I think dd really does believe that she'll be the only one not invited to her next party because she wore the wrong thing.

Do you think the teacher should have dealt with it by talking to Maya and reminding her that that is unkindetc? Or do you think that this would encourage dd to cry over things rather than just trying to toughen up a bit? I tried not to make a big issue of it, but would you react like I did or do something different?

I guess lots might think it's just nothing, or not worth posting about. I just feel really sad for dd and worry that she's being upset by mean things quite a lot.

If it happens a lot, the teacher should speak to the class about the need to be nice to each other. However, these comments will not stop and children need to learn to deal with them. I think I would encourage your dd to find another friend if this one upsets her. I tell my children that in life they will find that some people are not nice to them. It is upsetting, but they need to think about why they are horrid to them - sometimes the dcs might have done something to them or sometimes it might say more about the person making the comment.

if it's happening a lot then yes, i would talk to the teacher.
we had similar with a boy constantly teasing ds1 in reception and year 1 and the teacher did a general talk with all of them during carpet time and they talked about what is and isn't ok in a friendship and why it isn't nice to say unkind things etc etc

and she said if it continued she would get the parents in, because it's bullying.

and i don't think it's "nothing" either. just cos lots of girls do it doesn't mean they shouldn't be pulled up for it or that everyone should just accept it,

it's horrible behaviour and steps should be taken to stop it IMO.
the reason kids do this is because they're allowed to

I remember in Y1 this happening quite a bit to my DD1. However I was really surprised when one mum stopped me in the playground to tell me that my DD had told her DD that she would not be her friend anymore over some sort of disagreement and demanded my DD apologised. She did this more than once.

In the end I just avoided her in the playground. I thought she was way out of line to get involved in this way, as when I enquired with my DD her story was entirely different, so I never got to the bottom of it!

This year things have calmed down an awful lot. It's hard not to take sides but I think this is just something a lot of children go through in Y1. They will learn who to avoid, what to say/not say and it is all learning to be part of a group. I specifically said children and not girls because my DS1 in Y1 is going through it as well!

Having said all of that, I would keep an eye on it and if you feel that child is targeting your DD all of the time then I would go and have a word with the teacher.

Can I crash the thread with an anecdote?

I was watching America's Next Top Model, and it kicked off in a massive bullying/cat fight incident. It was so dramatic, that I downloaded the episode, and sat down with my Y3 Dd to watch it to 'teach' her about bitchiness and girl-on-girl bullying. It finished, and I asked "so, what did you think?".....

.....

.... "Really, it would have been better if XXXX had been sent home last week. Like the other girls said, no one liked her, her photo wasn't nice, and she didn't have a pretty face"

What a big fail from me! Don't know if I need to try again - or if it is just a flop of a mother-daughter chat!

I think it is always worth a word with the teacher, if nothing else to let your dd know that you are taking her concerns seriously.

My dd has not long started at a new school and said it was perfect apart from one girl (7yrs), who told the others not to play with her and would snatch playground toys from her. The first inkling I had of anything going on was petty little things, which I, like you, told her to ignore and gave her a few ways of dealing with it i.e. what to say, walk away etc., However, it was then I found a drawing which she had done of her and the friends, with this girl (who actually appears sweet and kind), with speech bubbles saying horrible things, that I realised I needed a word with the teacher, I felt sad I hadn't took something that was obviously a very real concern for her in her little world, more seriously.

Just the fact that I have done this, has made a big change in my dd, she visibly relaxed about the situation, whether because a 'grown up' knew and took it seriously, or she has just shed that burden or worry, I am not sure, but it was definately the right thing to do.

Most schools were and are doing stuff as part of 'anti bullying' week, so it may be worth a mention now and perhaps the teacher could bring up some of the issues in general conversation with the class.

Thanks for all your replies. Interestingly, I mentioned the situation to a friend on the school run today. Another friend joined us and asked what I was talking about. When I explained, she said her dd, (yr1 too) had experienced similar issues but to a much larger scale. She says her dd is really unhappy at school and mentioned this Maya as one of the culprits. I was feeling bad as if I really hadn't taken her complaints seriously yesterday. Partly because I didn't want to blow it out of proportion and make more of an issue of it, plus I was a bit annoyed with her for crying in response (only because I thought it would make things worse), and this may have been picked up by her.

So, I had a real heart to heart with her tonight. I asked how she'd got on at school today and who she'd played with. She said it was a good day and named some older children. Then she said that the girls in her class don't usually play with her. I got her to concentrate on the girls in her class that are kind and nice and suggested she try and play with them.

I also discussed what had happened yesterday with Maya. She still felt bad about it and we chatted for quite a while about what she could have done and what she thought the teacher should have done. I won't see the teacher this time, but definetely will if it happens again. I would like to nip it in the bud as you say KTK2. Although she hasn't been objecting to going to school, I can see she's not her usual happy self. I get the impression that the teachers are not dealing with that much for an easy life!

Well I have a child in year 1 and one of the rules on their classroom wall is that they must not hurt the feelings of their classmates. My child's teacher would not have tolerated this behaviour and would have spoken to Maya.

i agree that this would be prompt a circle time topic in DD's class; i have also coached DD to say in response to nasty comments something like ' i am sorry you are in a bad mood today, but it is not nice to say such things and i will play with you when you are in a better mood' and then walk off. Seems to work in R and Yr1 and has given DD confidence not to enter into a debate or to take comments personally - we have agreed that people are nasty sometimes when they are unhappy or worried about themselves.

doubt these tatics will work later but have helped DD cope with a pretty rough time from one girl in particular; of course the girls attentions just moved to someone new so it doesnt solve the problem overall so she also knows that if this approach doesnt sort things or she is fed up with it all, to tell her teacher, who is pretty good about tackling these things both as a class and with individuals/parents

can I just ask what on earth is the point of speaking to Maya , or holding a circle time to tell them that saying such things is unkind .Well Duh!, she already knows this, that is a why she said it!!!

spiderpig, what do you think should be done then? Nothing? A good kicking? Not sure where you stand!

so spiderpig when kids do something they shouldn't it should just be ignored yeah? cos they already know?

nice

spiderpig8 -

So you think that if Maya knowingly did something unkind, then she does not need to be picked up on it? Could you perhaps see the point that Maya needs to try and appreciate how it feels to be on the receiving end? She also needs to learn to follow school rules (unkindness is against the rules in our Y1) and know that if she doesn't follow them, she will be in trouble? If she is allowed to get away with it, she'll just carry on and turn into a horrible adult. As a child, she needs adults to help her with knowing right from wrong so this doesn't happen.

From my experience I wouldn't even bother with going to the school, I would have ensure that your DD is equipped to deal with girls like this and also learns to recognise the signs and to stay away. I would be willing to put money on the fact that if you interviewed even half the class they would give this girls name as someone who their DD has had problems with. The reason I wouldn't go to the school is that, again in my experience, these things are 'just the way girls are', 'six of one half a dozen of another'. Generally I'm afraid it isn't, some girls are just horrible - and they continue to be. Good luck I am sure your DD has some wonderful friends - help her build her relationship with them.

We had a similar problem with "Maya" in Year 1. We spoke to the teacher (who made 'being a good friend' a circle-time topic) and to the parents of Maya (who were lovely and absolutely mortified that their DD was behaving that way). When your child comes home from school every day crying you have to take action, IMO.

Oh your poor DD, don't be daft not silly to be concerned at all. What is Maya's mum like? Am guessing you must know her if your DD went to the party. Could you approach her at all? Because if it was me I'd definitely want to know, it sounds like Maya can be a bit of a piece of work. If her mum is nice or approachable then could that help do you think?

Hope things get better. Your DD sounds lovely.

, some girls are just horrible - and they continue to be.

But if no-one challenges them and teaches them it's not acceptable behaviour then they will continue be horrible to others.

I had a similar experience with dd in reception. She was very confused and sad because she had never been exposed to this kind of meaness before (eg. you can't play with us or I'm not your friend anymore).
I never saw the teacher but did lots of talking with dd giving her different ways to respond. I also told her the girls were jealous which boosted her self esteem and made her feel more able to brush off nasty comments. Try to keep her seeing the best in herself.

Dd is now yr3 and is a lovely, happy,confident girl who has learned to see the best in other people and importantly whilst having lots of friends is still able to think freely and is not afraid of disagreeing with them.

I know this is heartbreaking Jezabelle but all you can do is help her to see what a wonderful little girl she is and she will be stronger when it passes!

i think they should be punished not just told 'that's not very nice'.
However only for a sustained campaign .In this circumstnce the Op needs to help toughen her DD up, give her some pudowns to fire off back .Bullyproofing your kids is way better than relying on teacher to stort it out for her.

thisisyesterday 'so spiderpig when kids do something they shouldn't it should just be ignored yeah? cos they already know? Nice'

Don't put words in my mouth, please.See response above.

Agree, school should pick this up straight away. Kids need to be taught social skills, it's the most important part of school experience imo. Get that right, the rest will follow. Hope it's all ok today.

In my experience there is one of these little 'horrors' in every year, they are usually charming, pretty and bright (mini-psychopaths in the making?) and all the girls flock around them like bees to a honey pot.

My year two DD is currently besotted with one, and it's heartbreaking. I see DD glancing at this 'girl' every morning to see if she will be accepted into her little group. Occasionally she is, but mostly (like this morning) she is rebuked. I swear this girl smirks at me everytime she rejects DD.

DD asks if she can come round for tea almost every day :(

I don't believe this is normal 'girl' behavoir.

I tend to agree with OnceinaWhile. And those who say try to teach your DD skills to deal with it.

Not that I was ace at that myself, I confess... , but I do think they're right. You really don't want to get embroiled in your child's social conflicts.

DD had an off/on best mate who treated her badly in y1. I think the school was more worried about it than me.
The school dealt with it, by moving DD to a different class for y2.
DD made brilliant new friends in the other class.
Now y5 DD sits next to the girl who used to treat her badly & they get along fine, the other girl has no power over DD. & DD has no memory of coming home in tears much of y1 because of the other girl's fickle remarks.

Blimey, I wouldn't be particularly worred about one unkind comment. 5 and 6 year olds aren't exactly great at empathy and tact. If it were part of a pattern I would absolutely speak to the teacher but not over one very silly comment. I wouldn't have expected any more from the teacher than the response your DD got - ignore it. I would have hoped that the teacher mentally stores up these incidents though so she can work out whether Maya is turning into a pain in the backside.

I would have told my DD that it was a very silly thing to say, that people can wear whatever they like to parties. I would have also suggested that perhaps Maya was a little jealous of her outfit and people are sometimes unkind when they're jealous.

I think 'circle time' or talking to the teacher is way OTT over ONE comment.

I think this is a fairly common problem amongst boys and girls. What I would probably have done is chatted with your DD and asked her if she thought it mattered whether or not she wore a dress and help her to see that actually "maya's" comment was very silly and not to be taken to heart.