DS is STILL crying going in to school every morning

[stickytoffee]

DS is a summer birthday 5 so is still young for his year. He has since a young child gone to nursery and throughout his time there erred on the clingy and would still cry when left even at the end. At school we have good and bad weeks of him crying going in.

He's now in Year 1. The last couple of weeks, the crying (it's more low level misery) starts from pretty much the moment he wakes up. Both kids are in bed by 7 every evening and he usually is asleep by 7.15 ish. They both wake around 6 - 6.30 so he's getting lots of sleep.

He is sociable, the teacher who I met for parents evening the other day (and who I expected to comment on this clingy side of his personality) effectively said he was happy, friendly, enthusiastic etc etc and had no negative comments to make. When I get him from school he will actually tell me "Mummy I've had a lovely day at school today".

I've tried suggesting that no crying each morning for a couple of weeks will mean we can have a treat at the end. We've not managed a week yet.

Then I've used the "I'll get the childminder to drop you off each day then" routine.

I'm lost now. When the childminder drops him off part week he never cries (but does sometimes going in to her house).

We had an issue with a little boy in the class this time last year who was being a bit mean to him but that manifested itself in awful behaviour all weekend too and that hasn't happened - the fact he tells me that he's had a lovely day at school also makes me think it's not that - I will mention it to the teacher but I'm at a loss now.

It's making me cross as from the moment we all get up - he's miserable - so everyone is making a fuss to make him better - I left half my daughters stuff behind this morning because he was being such a pain (again). I've had this routine for so many years now that it's becoming a bit wearing.

Help !

The fact he goes into school without a problem with the childminder would suggest that there isn't a fundemental problem with school.

Can you stop making a fuss because he is getting a lot of focus and attention from you because he is upset.

Can you briskly reassure him when he is upset and make a fuss of him when he is coping so he gets more attention for managing than not managing.

This is a counsel of perfection and I certainly don't always manage this whilst trying to get a Y4 and YR out of the house. Its just I find that when I am rushing I am more inclined to notice when they are not doing what I want than when they are. I think with children you get more of what you notice.

Can you treat the miserableness as the normal behaviour and praise anything that is an improvement on it in a matter of fact / descriptive way e.g. "Thank you for putting your shoes on."

Thanks Chaz....I generally try (when I'm at home on my own in the mornings) to sort of ignore him when we're in this mode (I have DD too) by just going about our normal business and not laying any focus on the wailing - as we all know it's pretty non-stop with the getting everyone out the house for school and pre-school .

WHen on my own with them on a non-work day, we have more time before going out - but usual stuff after coming downstairs - I ask him what he wants for breakfast, get him to put clothes on etc. This morning, he is seeking sympathy from DH who does the childminder drop off so DH is usually around on a working day - ...I got cross with DH as I said he needed to stop trying to pacify him and show that we have a united front otherwise the good cop/bad cop routine starts (DS wasn't in earshot on this conversation).

When we re-assure him , he then follows either of us round the house asking for a cuddle. You give him one, then he asks again and again.....he knows we won't acknowledge the crying but knows we're likely to give in to a cuddle. Although this morning I didn't - he'd already had cuddles before we all got up. After that, it's all systems go to get out the house.

Perhaps you could build cuddles into the morning routine on a more "official" basis so he gets a good morning cuddle and then the next cuddle is the dressed and ready to go cuddle (assuming he has got ready quickly enough for there to be time for a cuddle).

Do you have a set leaving time? My battle tends to be over TV in the morning so the rules are if you are up before 7am (usual getting up time) then TV until 7am. We must leave by 7.40am so if you are ready to go early (coats & shoes included) then you can watch TV until 7.40am. It doesn't stop all the strops but because the approach is always the same then it does minimise the acting up because it doesn't achieive anything.

I agree you and your DH need to have a consistent approach; children are smart and will pick up on any difference of approach.

We do have a set leaving time - similar to yours on work days and then later on school days when I'm not working so it's not quite so pressured but the moaning /tears happens regardless of short and long days.

Like the cuddle idea.....

Tell him if he cries it means he is tired as boys of 5 can get up and go to school without crying. When children are tired they cry more. Then if he cries it means he has to go to bed 10 minutes earlier, and then 5 minutes earlier the next day etc etc. Perhaps it could mean that there is no telly/less telly etc- something concrete.

Give new rules in matter of fact way and with idea that rules are to make it better for everyone, not punishment as such. That if there is a problem he should use words, cuddles are at set times....x, y and z and if Mummy says no to any demands in the morning it is because of being on a schedule and needing to get out so as not to be late for school/work. After school/ or whenever is the time for cuddles, x, y or z. When children are tired they cry more. Then if he cries it means he has to go to bed 5 minutes earlier, and then 5 minutes earlier etc etc. Also that Mummy and Daddy will ignore crying as not helpful.

See if it works. Does sound like he gets a good sleep but if he's like my DS he can still get tired even with 11/12 hours a night. DS is only just turned 5 and is getting tired from reception. He sleeps 7-7 every night, but at the weekend fell asleep in the car mid afternoon- he's tired. It's a long term when you're 5. I don't get the crying before school, but before tea time- it's tiring but understandable.

Good luck!

DS2 cried every day saying goodbye to me until he was half way through Y1. I bribed him in the end - total, blatent bribery "if you don't cry for five mornings in a row Mon-Fri I will buy you X (the toy he wanted)". It took a few weeks - every time he cried we re-set back to 0 and one week he made it to Friday then cried so it didn't count. The next week he made it to Friday and never cried again. In the end it was habit. His school was fantastic and his teacher would phone me at 9.10 every morning to say he had settled and was fine now, he just had separation issues. I should have been tougher earlier!

Oh my goodness, what a stressful and difficult situation it must be for you all.
Okay so it sounds as though things are fine in school so it's not that causing the problem.
I like the idea of "not crying for x amount of time going into school = a treat" but perhaps do a chart for him and offer a small treat after one day initially and then increase it to 2 days to earn the small treat.
Thinking of you THIS morning when no doubt it is all starting once more....

We had a much better morning this morning.....and my fabulous childminder had got him and an older boy to make a reward chart after school yesterday and she got him some stickers. She will let him bring the chart home tonight after hopefully getting his stickers today and then he has to not cry on the days with me too and gets stickers. He has to get so many and then she'll take him to the local cafe after school for a treat.....she knew I was in a bit of a state yesterday. She's brilliant ! ...I tried that one but never quite got to the chart making bit ...!

Your CM sounds great. Glad to hear it was better yesterday. Its good for you to see that he can manage without getting upset - just hold on to that thought if he has a bad day. As he can get ready without too much drama at least you know its probably a separation anxiety habit rather than a sign of being worried about something serious going on in school.

It's making me cross as from the moment we all get up - he's miserable - so everyone is making a fuss to make him better

I'd avoid making a fuss to get him to feel better. He knows it affects you. Try not to let him see that!

Chart sounds great. I was also going to say that 2 weeks no crying was a lot in one go, so this sounds brilliant. He can still cry, but he won't get the sticker so it'll take a lot longer! After a while I'm sure he'll be fine...

I was actually talking to my Mum about this a few weeks ago as ds was a bit of a crier when dropped off at pre-school. She taught P1 for 35 years and she said she still remembers certain children who cried every day when they were dropped off but surprisingly they were usually the ones that were always happyand performed well during school.
She told me to stop making a fuss of ds when he cried and use stickers to reward him - he stopped within a week.

I used the bribery method of a treat to break the habit - my DD had great issues going into school in Reception, then we broke the habit by the summer term. She was promised to be able to help with a job at school if she didn't cry and proved she was a "big girl". And she was allowed to play with her Leapster on the way home.

She started crying and getting upset again after half term. We're back to working day to day (a week is too long for her at first) and breaking the habit.

We also fit in a cuddle - a "good girl" cuddle as reward quality time for getting ready without fuss then we have time to have a cuddle. I think we both benefit greatly from this!