When parental rules and teacher's rules clash - a bit of a aibu

[emkana]

what do you do?

Ds refused to fetch his bag today when I was picking him up (he'd left it in the box) - not in a horrible way, he was just leaning against my leg in a tired fashion, so I said "shall I get it" which the teacher heard, and she said "no it's ds's bag, he should get it" at which point ds got upset - he is five and has some special needs. The teacher kept repeating that he should get it, and advised me to just walk away etc, ds got more and more upset. I was not happy because I felt it was a battle I really didn't need to haven but I couldn't do anything because I didn't want to undermine the teacher. In the end after much toing and froing we got the bag somehow, but ds was in a right mess and I could have just done without it. I did say to the teacher that I felt some battles were just not worth it, but do you think she was right?

It's the teacher's class and her rules, however silly they seem to you. Your rules apply in areas where you are in charge.
I do agree that picking your battles is a very sensible approach, and that the teacher seems inflexible for the end of the day, but sometimes parents do facilitate their child's lack of independence.
Is he reception or Y1?

I can see what you mean. I would probably have done it for dd2 (SN) too for exactly the reasons you describe! I suppose though if you otherwise trust teacher's judgement you might decide to back off. I have decided which staff I trust at school and then have refrained from criticising them for the sake of maintaining good working relationship and also because I know that sometimes I do take the line of least resistance with dd because she is my dd and I have all these feelings about her! I guess you also have to pick your battles with the teacher and only make an issue about the big important issues. I can appreciate it's hard though.

You could have taken her advice and said, 'Fine, we'll get it tomorrow' and walk away. Leaving her and likely to think about what just happened.

I am aghast at the attitude of the teacher!

Maybe we are incredibly lucky, but the teachers at our school in KS1 at least have an incredibly caring and soft attitude towards the children. I can't imagine they would have had such a standoff with a parent and child at pickup when children are tired and everyone is rushed off their feet!

Sounds like there must be some more going on here....

He is repeating reception

Is it the same teacher and school as last year? I do recall your story.

I'm always having trouble getting DD to do things for herself when I pick her up from preschool (she's 4.5 so would be in reception in the UK, but same length day or longer). But the idea that one of her teachers would say something like that is boggling.

The unwritten rule is that when parents arrive, it's up to them how to handle their own children, although the teachers will ask children to come and tidy up the things they were using before they leave. Or they'll help parents gather up children who don't want to come home. But no way would they ever say something that flat out goes against the way a parent was handling something.

apart from anything else, for the same reason that parents shouldn't (ideally!) contradict each other in front of children regarding how to handle a situation. It's confusing for children when figures in authority do this.

I mean, if a child is destroying school property/hurting other children and the parent is standing idly by then yes, the teacher should step in, but if it's about getting a bag?! and flat-out contradiction? That is total lack of respect to you in a situation that should be about mutual respect as you share in the education of your child.

His SALT is fond of doing this sort of thing, too - Finally Showing Emkana Ds That He Can't Be In Control all the time.

I think I would have said "I'll get it with you", in a confident voice. A more sensitive teacher surely shouldn't have contradicted you- perhaps a word after saying that she preferred the children to get stuff themselves for future etc.

DS does get own stuff now (he's reception), but last year in nursery he often wanted me to get stuff that had been left which didn't always go down well with the staff as rule generally no parents in classrooms. However, when your child is clearly knackered and appealing to you for emotional support it would feel entirely wrong to quote a rule and push them to get it themselves etc.

I hate this battle of wills in the classroom.

Quite often it's about an adult ego who needs to win a battle with a small child

It's not a battle. It's a war.

Some battles you lose; this lets you win the war. I think this was one of those battles which would have been better to let go, or at least compromise.

Exactly. In this situation, it wasn't about me "letting ds get away with it ", or stopping from being independent - it was an offer of help, just like I would offer to help out an adult friend.