competitiveness!!!!

[Kardashianw]

I think I'm going mad. Ds in year2 and the mums is the class are so weird!! Some have made there own clicky groups and some just float around each groups and I just observe all this and think to myself what nuggets half of these parents are.
My ds doesn't get invited to any partys in his class and this is due to competitiveness. Ds has had a slow start unleashing compared to the other boys and because of this he has been judged and the mums feel he not worthy to around there children. Well get this my ds wouldn't want to be around them he is a reserved person and is not boisterous but quite calm.

But is there any need for these parents to behave like this. Gets me mad!!!

Unleashing should have been in learning !!!

Who knows why any of us do what we do?

Have you tried getting to know the parents yourself?

Picked DS1 up from pre-school 2 weeks ago but have only been able to do that while i'm freelancing - I therfore don't know many of the parents as nanny often has to collect the boys. As I left the class, a parent and son came out behind us (is in the same class as DS1) and they were animatedly talking over a party invitation that had just been given to them. Felt a bit of a lump in my throat...

Needless to say, I'd joined the Parent-Nursey association earlier in the year and arranged to go to the meeting coming up - all of the parents have/had the same worries i did, some just seemed to know each other a little better and have more flexible hours. Once I made the effort, we've arranged an evening social to meet other parents, We've swapped email addresses....

Not so much competitiveness as insecurity and an insular prioritisation of their own and their child's perceived interests over anything and anyone else. That this doesn't necessarily grow their children into nice people who notice others' concerns, needs and contributions and who are (god forbid) even willing sometimes to respond to them, is irrelevant - it grows them into people just like their parents. Who cares if your child never gets invited to parties? I doubt they've even noticed.

If what you're saying is actually correct and your DS isn't being invited to parties because he's been a 'slow learner' - then that is horrendous. I've heard of competitive parents and know a lot of them myself - my dc's school is particularly bad for it, tbh, but to leave a child out because he isn't 'clever'...hmm. I would have to dig a little deeper. How do you know that's why he's been left out? Have you ever spoken to some of these parents? Some of them are just insecure, you know, and this is how it manifests itself - appearing aloof and cliquey.

They may think you are a bit weird too, if you don't talk to anyone and make comments like 'well get this my ds wouldn't want to be around them..' Just a thought, I may be wrong, of course!

I am quite friendly and approached these groups of parents and spoke to them at the begining of reception years but they went quite odd. One of the parents use to help out in ds classroom so she probably filled in the others about what the children are like in the class.

He doesn't get invited and he feels it but I tell coz he is better than them lol. Maybe it's a boy thing coz my dd on the other hand has had a party every single week since she started school.

I'd love to arrange a night out but one of the other mums tried to do it an even se agrees that the mums in our ds year are odd! I'd talk to anyone me, there is a mum who is in the group her dd is in my dd year and when there are party's she comes right over to me an speaks alot but when it's the playground in her group she blanks me WTF is that all about. So I make sure that when I see her I shout "hello blah blah" an she goes ooh I was in another world then!!! Silly cow!

It is hard to get to know other parents in the class and I have been just as guilty in making my own judgements about them.
I remember when we started in reception there were a couple of parents I disliked (did not have any time for them etc) However - I made an effort to get to know them and they are so nice and we actually go out monthly for meals etc as a class parent group now.
With regards not being invited to parties there are some parties my ds is invited to and others he isn't. It may just be because they forget to invite him or he is not great friends with the child whos party it is. i wouldn't get worked up over it - as the kids get older and are more aware who their friends are they will invite who they like to parties.

My experience of the school playground is that some parents are in groups, they already know eachother from postnatal groups or pre-schools, so I don't perceive this to be anything unusual or to take offence to and certainly doesn't make them either competitive or insecure. However maybe I am one of the floaters you mention in your post. I knew various mums in each of these groups and tend to chat to any/all of them although I wouldn't say I was in a group. Most of them are really nice people who just happen to have made friends. (not nuggets lol!)

My son has tended to make his own friendships though and mostly not the children of the parents I already knew. He gets invited to parties because the children want to invite him. Although I know sometimes parents do invite children of the parents they are very friendly with normally too. I have got to know parents of the friends my son has made now too.

I would try not to be offended or worry about any of this, but perhaps you could speak to the teacher to check that your ds is ok friendship wise at school. I find it hard to believe parents would judge your son due to how he is doing with his learning and those that do I wouldn't want to have anything much to do with anyway if I were you. I know my sons friends are not all at the same level learning wise, but this isn't something I would even think of tbh when it comes to friendships. It seems to be more about common interests at this age. (Star wars and football being very popular among the boys in my sons class;) )

Maybe asking your son who he likes to play with and arranging some playdates might be a good way to strengthen some of his friendships and also for you to get to know the mums. This has worked well for us.

Also do you have class contacts or something similar? We have 2 parents from our class who arrange evenings out or coffee meet ups for parents to get to know one another and also have produced a contact list with all of the parents contact details on which is handy for making arrangements. All of this has meant that I have got to know lots of the other parents to put a name to a face. The groups are still there (yr2 now also), but not so obvious because most people know everyone and we all mix alot more. Maybe something you could suggest if not already in place?

Good Luck!

Hmmmmm,

I think you need to change your approach and fast. You son is feeling excluded. and saying he is "better than them" is tantamount to telling him to dislike and sneer at his classmates.

It doesn't matter a damn if you have to stand on the playground for two minutes every day by yourself for whatever reason, but if he's feeling left out then you have to help him develop his relationships.

It was like that there was lady who organised night outs and one of the ladies from that group branded her son a bully so they fell out.
Trust me you would feel like I do if u was at our school and they are competitive. They ask and look to see where child is up to in reading maths writing!!
I've even stood by one of the mums an she spoke to me but was pure awkward then a group member comes along an she happily chatted normal. Also one of the children said to there mum I want blah blah at my party and I heard the mum say ooohh no way don't be silly!!!!

Think it's awful behaviour I do!

I have developed his relationship with other children. He even goes to lots of activities with the children from his class and he has class mates. Im talking abt the parents the children say to him u can come my house or party but it down to patens for invite so not ds an that's what I mean by e feels it coz he thinks he is getting an invite.
An yes he is better coz he is my DS!!!

You do come across at thinking you and your ds are better. I don't think you're intending to, I think you're intending to sound jokey, but it doesn't come across when written.

Really don't tell him he's not invited because he's better. It's not doing him any favours. I doubt it's because he was slow at learning either. Surely these competative parents would love him then to show their little darlings were brilliant . It's more likely because you describe him as "reserved and not as boisterous" he's not as outgoing and has fewer (but probably better) friends.

Some children do throw out "you're coming to my party" "you can come to my house" very easily, and that can give the impression that parents are vetoing your dc, but it can be simply they were number 11 on a 10-child party list and the dc hasn't thought about it before saying.

Does anyone else here feel that they're obviously missing out on a vital part of school politics as there aren't the "cliques" at the gate? Yes there are parents that get on better and tend to talk together, but happy to include others too...

Yes there Are parents who feel the way I do. It is really pathetic the way they carry on. One parent asked me where i lived and was quite shocked that I got in the school coz I am way out the catchment area. Come on that it awful!

Me an my ds are better still though lol :)

Find it funny that it's take seriously!! I don't think he was 11 member on the 10th list it's fact the parents don't want him there!!! It is down to the parents definatly at my school. It's unfortunate that my ds was put on the year with knobby parents!!