Teachers/Parents - Please Help with my hugely unconfident daughter.

[jenpenny]

Hi Ladies

My DD is in year 2 and has horrendous confidence issues within school. I am struggling to understand why and how to help her. She is fine at home, a chatterbox in fact within her friends and family circle. At school is different and she does not contribute to class discussions, will not put her hand up and the teacher has told us her confidene and self belief in her abilities is non existant I am finding this stressful and upsetting to hear and have absolutely no idea how to help her or encourage her if the teacher cannot even do anything.

I think her teacher is nice, however is quite strict and I do not feel DD is going to blossom with her. She has been told off for getting an answer wrong which devastated my DD. However I still need to try and encourage her to brush these things off and speak up. She is academically absolutely fine however she seeks reassurance constantly for her work or answers and has a friend in class to whom she basically follows as her shadow and glances over to see what she is choosing/doing etc at all times. Her friend is highly confident and DD compares herself to her all the time.

If any parents or teachers have any tips or advice to bring her out I would be most grateful

This is difficult but I didn't want to pass your thread by. I think you could chat to her about what she perceives as the consequences of speaking up...what is she frightened of? What is the worst that could happen getting the answer wrong isn't bad at least she has tried. Was she really told off for getting the answer wrong or did she misinterpret the teachers' response? Do you within the family give/ recognise value in her opinion? Could you set up a reward scheme whereby she has to speak up once in the course of every subject lesson...ask the teacher to ask her for her opinion and to verbally praise her for doing so. The need for constant reassurance will fall away as she gets older, she is still very young and is learning how everything works at school. Beware too much pressure...it can often have the opposite effect and I am sure the teacher is doing something not nothing. Good luck though.

It is difficult isn't it? My DD is going through a similar situation, she is in Yr 1 and is a bit behind in literacy, especially writing, she thinks she is rubbish (her word) and can't do it, she is also down because she hasn't had any rewards in the scheme they use in our school yet this term (it varies a lot from teacher to teacher, but it would be usual to have had at least 3 or 4 this far through a term, if not more. She finds it hard to speak to the teacher, for example often comes out bursting for the loo because she thinks the teacher is too busy for her to ask to go. Yet at home and socially she is a confident little thing, quite bossy in fact and very bright. I am going to see the teacher tomorrow. Just wanted you to know you are not alone Jenpenny.

Doowrah that's a good suggestion, thank you.

I was like this as a child and also into young adulthood. The thought of being the centre of attention was mortifying. I even tried to arrange my whole wedding day to best avoid being looked at .

I realised a few years ago I needed to overcome this. I had some hypnotherapy and NLP but the thing that helped most was joining an adult drama group. It massively pushed me out of my comfort zone and I would say I am much more confident these days than I was five years ago.

Obviously your DD is still young but maybe some out of school groups in dance or drama might help. I often wish I had been encouraged more as a child. It's easy to label someone as quiet or shy and then ignore them.

Best of luck OP.

I was always like that as a child :( Now I realise that I hardly ever received any praise from my parents or was encouraged to take any initiatives. And teachers were always saying "she is shy, needs to make friends, needs to speak, very good student but doen't raise her hand" etc. Nobody ever tried to make me feel valued, I was just getting the blame.

Think how valued your daughter feels in her family because she might need you to be more outward and explicit in your feelings and certainly ask the teacher what SHE does to increase your daughter's confidence and what chances she gives her to act independently or become a leader of a group of children at a trivial or more complicated task.

What things can she do for herself at home that you can monitor and praise appropriately?

Does she contribute to the running of the house in any way? A child her age could have a few chores to do every day at home. Getting them done responsibly and well would boost her feelings of competence and maturity. She could set the table for dinner, dust the sitting room, help carry things to the kitchen after a meal, help to make her own lunch, make her bed, clean off the sink in the bathroom, put her clothes in a laundry basket and put them away when they are washed. How much self care does she do for herself? Does she take a bath or shower and wash her own hair? If she does it often enough she will be clean enough even if she frequently misses a spot from time to time or doesn't rinse her hair enough. Children your DD's age are sometimes conscious of being more babyish than their peers. They are just beginning to compare themselves to others and sometimes they fall short of their own expectations. Giving them a chance to develop a sense of competence through assigning chores and doing the necessary follow-up in a light hearted but firm manner can make a big difference.

The school can definitely play its part -- a teacher who hasn't found something to reward at this point of the year is a teacher who isn't trying hard enough imo, WhoKnows, and a teacher who embarrassed a child for getting an answer wrong is one who needs to examine the part she is playing in inhibiting your DD, Jenpenny. Does the teacher have class jobs for everyone? This has been a feature of the DCs' school from the start. Everyone has some sort of job in the classroom and the jobs are rotated weekly.

I need to type faster -- I think I x posted with Ninani; doing chores, developing feelings of competence and being praised is an ideal way for a child to learn that she is valued.

Thanks guys

Yes, I do praise her a lot, and will continue to do so even more. I would have thought she felt completely valued within the family also, she is well loved and has a fun life with lots of outings at weekends and enjoys helping out with her little sister. She is a very caring and sensible girl especially at school however is timid and quiet.

She does contribute to the running of the house at times, begrudgingly though I think! She is lazy when it comes to tidying up.

I wasn't sure of the route to go down, but I spoke with her this morning and told her I would choose some special stickers and if she managed to put her hand up once today to speak out or give an answer I would reward her with a sticker when she came home. I thought maybe she would be too old for stickers however they still hold power! So she did put her hand up and she was thrilled to tell me as soon as she came out of class.

I have been annoyed with the teacher on 2 occassions that I feel she has hindered DD even more so, however I feel very awkward in challenging her, I mentioned at parents night that she had been very upset that she put her hand up and got the question wrong and the teacher did say 'oh, thats a shame, I am sorry that she was so upset' so I think she realised that DD will come out and tell me and I am hoping it won't happen again.

Thanks from me too, I went to see DD's teacher today and she was quite understanding and made a few suggestions of things we could do at home to help boost confidence with the writing which DD was pleased about, also said she will make sure DD has opportunities to speak to her when she needs to. DD is starting some extra literacy support work next week which should help too. She also explained that the reward system has changed this term and this particular reward is being saved for the really big things, a lot of the class still haven't had one so DD shouldn't worry about that. There are other smaller reward things going on as well.

I am going to step up my reward scheme at home, it is a bit random at the moment and linked mainly to especially good one-off behaviours, I am going to take a slightly more structured approach and use it to get some good habits and responsibilities implemented, as suggested by Mathanxiety. DD does do some chores now, but it is a bit ad-hoc, I would like to cement them properly into habits as I do think little habits and routines breed security and confidence (they do for me).

Jenpenny - glad your DD likes the sticker idea. My DS is in Year 3 and is still highly motivated by stickers and little rewards.

I have used stickers with year 11 students (they were too old for House points but liked the stickers).

jenpenny - you could be talking about my DD! My lovely, chatty, intelligent and charming daughter is unconfident at school too. She needs a lot of reassurance at home and at school. She is worried about answering questions in case she's wrong but can go and dance in Central London with complete strangers (there was an African dancing session the other month), is confident about what clothes she wants to wear (doesn't follow trends), knows her own mind (won't just join in the crowd)so she is confident in those respects. Strange isn't it?

Her year one report was full of comments 'doesn't always participate in class', 'finds it hard to talk about her own feelings', 'I wish she would contribute her own ideas more' and (the worst) 'can be a little subdued at times'.

Then again, what's wrong with being quiet and thoughtful sometimes? There are enough loudmouths in her class!

The sticker idea is a good one!
Sorry for the long waffle...

Magdalene, it is strange why some children are so vastly different in school compared to at home!

Will do my utmost to encourage her to be confident without adding pressure and hope she blossoms with age. Whoknowswherethetimegoes, good luck with you also!

Good to know that stickers and inexpensive rewards work with older children also. They say you can't praise enough......

Does your daughter mind the situation; is she unhappy about how things are going at school?

If she is happy then perhaps it doesn't matter that she isn't participating as much as you and the teacher would like to see her do. Not everybody likes to stand up and be noticed. You say she is doing fine academically, so maybe this isn't a big deal.

If she is unhappy and shy at school but happy and outgoing at home, perhaps the school environment just doesn't suit her personality. Could home education be an option for her?

Some good advice form saracen. As she is doing well academically then perhaps it isn't a big deal. The question is is her unconfidence holding her back?

My DD's school is obsessed with being 'inclusive' etc etc but if they can't integrate quieter children surely the policy isn't working?!

She is unhappy about certain aspects, mostly that she feels left out at times. She feels the confident kids are chosen to run errands, chosen for more spoken parts in assembly, picked at the poetry competition each year(even though she will take part) and that they recieve more reward points. I was quite shocked when she said her friend who had more points than her was 'better than her' and the boy who was well in the lead was 'better than everyone'.

The teacher constantly reports to us how awfully unconfident she is and so we try and encourage her. She also has a very overly confident friend in the class who tells her sometimes, just put your hand up. Plus the teacher has been asking children who don't put there hand up so much to do so. This is not putting pressure on her though and upsetting her but I think she is now aware and I do not want her to be labelled as a shy kid.

Home education definately not an option as I work.

It sounds as if the teacher is dangling the carrot but just out of reach. It also sounds as if there is only one 'one size fits all' carrot, which is insensitive. Can she find no way at all to make your child feel secure enough to stick her neck out? Has she no experience at all with this sort of (lovely) child? Even having a job like watering the class plant and being praised for it can entice a quiet soul out of her shell.

You could have been describing my DD1 too, quite heartbreaking as a parent when you know they really want to participate but don't. We are hoping she will grow out of it soon by working together with her teachers.

Drama and Ballet as recommended by her teachers haven't helped my DD (attending 1+ year now) because apparently she doesn't participate in drama class though she practices at home. Tennis in a group seems to be working and we are looking at football and dance classes too.

jenpenny - my DD has a very confident friend too - one that other girls won't mess with!! It gives her security but it would be better if she didn't rely on this friend too much. Sounds like the school are not really helping by chooosing the confident kids to do all the speaking, errands etc.

Mathanxiety - well said! Surely teachers are used to more thoughtful children? I sometimes think that the school seems to think that everything is the fault of the parents. After all, the children spend more of their waking time at school so surely it is up to the adults in the class to give less confident children more of a boost.

Ilelo - it can be heartbreaking, I agree. Other parents tell me I should consider ballet, drama etc (they love to make comments bacuse their children are so 'confident' etc) but I don't feel it would solve the issues in school itself. And, my DD has lots of confidence - just not at school!!

We did 2 years of Drama - not a jot of difference!! We do a singing club which she participates in more than she ever did in her Drama Club.