DS in trouble at school again for biting but provoked...

[veryconfusedatthemoment]

Advice please. My DS is now in Yr 2 (very young age 6) - he has had the same "best" friend since reception and there is always trouble. The school have dismissed my concerns over the friendship as anxious parenting and have refused to do anymore other than tell both boys off when there is trouble. The other boy is 9 months older than my son and seems able to instigate the trouble and then avoid being punished. Today he put his hand over DS's mouth and pulled him back. DS bit him. Other boy had a talking to about being silly - DS missed Film CLub, has had to write a sorry note, has been severely ticked off by the teacher etc. I feel this is provoked and is amost bullying. What would you experienced sensible mumsnetters do? I've openly backed the school and teacher but feel I let my son down by not being able to get this matter properly resolved once and for all. Thanks!

How do you want them resolve it ? Has he bitten before or was he in trouble for other things ? The friendship doesn't sound desirable and you can ask them to them to encourage alternative friendship groups (as presumably you already do) but by Year 2 most chidlren would n't bite back in reaction , sorry.

Biting is your DS's choice no matter what the circumstances, and is considered more dangerous by schools because of the possibility of breaking the skin.

Can you talk with your DS about avoiding this other boy, and actively encourage other friendships (have other children over to play etc.)?

You need to talk with him about biting. It is never acceptable and can have bad effects both for the biter and the bitten. You need to also talk with him about playing with other children and steering clear of the 'friend' in the playground.

You need to continue to back the school. The distinction the school have drawn between being silly (consequence - a telling-off) and biting (consequence - missing Film Club) doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

You are right to want to resolve the situation but there's a limit to what the school can do to engineer friendships. It certainly seems worth asking the teacher to do what she can to encourage other friendships, but be careful not to suggest to your son or his teacher that you think the friend's silly and annoying behaviour in any way justifies the biting. Year 2 is really too old (assuming your son does not have developmental issues) to be biting other children, whatever the circumstances.

Thank you for your sensible posts. This "friendship" has been problematic since DS started school. DS has issues with emotions and subtleties(sp?) which we are currently investigating with community ped. He is also very immature summer born adding another layer of joy! Attempts to get him to avoid the other boy and to get the school to actively promote other friendships have not been successful. Luckily many of the mums in his year are supportive to me and so we get playdates and contact that way. I have biting, hitting and other issues at home too. Ex (DS dad) moved out over the summer but we had these issues long before that. What I would really like to happen is for school to firmly deal with the other boy - he starts a lot of trouble so isn't popular with other kids so clings to my DS. I did speak severely to my DS but am trying to be positive so reminded him that today is a new day - he is on green traffic light again and all systems go! They a have a chequered flag for excellent behaviour - DS said he would never get that so I am going to see if his teacher could set an appropriate challenge for DS so that he will get the chequered flag this term. I wonder if that boost to his very poor confidence might help. Thanks again for feedback - always useful for perspective.

I'd bite if somebody put their hand over my mouth and pulled me backwards. I can't see how it's unacceptable.

KC - me too.

KC - agree with you.

OP - did you ask your ds if the other child had covered his nose and mouth? Did you ask the CT that? It could have been a dangerous situation.

Schools do have to take biting more seriously than general roughness. And I think most kids that age would have pulled the other boy's hand away rather than bitten him. Unless that was impossible and he really couldn't breathe. It's hard to say whether the other boy is trying to get your son into trouble or whether the dynamic is that you son leads the poor behaviour. My instinct is to say teacher is there and best placed to judge who is causing the problems but then they do not know everything and other boy might be very subtle in how he behaves. Difficult one. I think as well as encouraging new friendships you should ask for another chat with teacher re your concerns.

I would have taken the covering the mouth ith hand thing as provocation by the other boy. (ex teacher) and would have punished both equally. pulling his head back is also imo dangerous.

personally, i would see whoever punished them both and ask for clarification of what happened in the incident. biting is not acceptable,(though it seems like self defence may have played a part depending on circumstances and would make plain you support the punishment for that but the other boy's actions seem more than silliness to me, and could also have been quite dangerous.

OP - is there a Judo class in your area? That would help your DS.

Setting a challenging but still achievable way of getting the chequered flag sounds like an excellent plan, as does keeping up the playdates with other children.

I was assuming that the hand over the mouth was a bit of horseplay, not a serious risk of being smothered but, yes, this is something that could be checked with whoever dealt with the incident. OP said that the other boy pulled her son backwards and again this sounds like horseplay but I agree that if (although OP didn't say this) he pulled her son's head back, that is more dangerous.

If judo's been suggested because it would help OP's son's confidence, that sounds like a good plan too. If, though, the thinking is that this will make OP's son better at duffing up this boy, that hardly seems likely to help.

I hope the paediatrician can offer something helpful.

Ha, no Judo for confidence and also non-agressive ways to deal with problems.

Btw, if somebody puts their hand over your mouth and pulls you backwards your hands would automatically go out to balance you, they wouldn't be available to remove the hand.