I feel so sad for dd, how can I make this easier?

[akaemwahahahafrost]

Dd started Reception this term. She settled in quickly, made friends, loved it, she was in the nursery there before going into reception so knew the school and other kids well. She is super sensitive (I know everyone says this about their kids but she really is, always has been right from new born, total velcro baby) so the fact that she settled meant a great deal to us and was such a relief.

Ds has been out of school due to his SN, we finally got a place at a new MS school for him with an ASD unit attached. He started this morning. I cannot get dd and ds to their school on time they are miles in the opposite directions. So dd was supposed to start there this morning too. Well she completely refused and was sobbing in the most heart breaking way about wanting to go back to her old school . I had talked to her at length about the move and she had seemed ok. At the teachers suggestion I brought her home again and so she has not been to school today. Do I try again tomorrow? I cried all the way home in the car (didn't let her see) because I feel like its just so crap and unfair on her to have to move schools when she was so happy.

What now? Shall I start the settling process again, ie staying with her for an hour or two for a couple of days until she settles in? What would you do? Its half term next week, shall I just keep her off until after that and then try again? I feel clueless really, it was ds I was worried about but he went off without a backward glance. Opinions please?

Tough one... personally I would take her back if it was possible to get transport for DS as he sounds quite robust so far.

Good luck with your decision. Either way you will all manage I'm sure, but it does seem a shame for her.

but you would only be "singling" her out if she wanted/needed it.
if she wants to be the same as everyone else, staying all day by herself then I am sure the OP won't MAKE her have x number of half days or stay if she isn't needed.

there is nothing wrong with being responsive to your child's needs though

TIY - I am not entering into an argument with you. We have discussed our differing approaches in the past - I don't agree with you, you don't agree with me. Fine. Great. No problem. I have no wish whatsoever to argue with you. Inflamatory statements like 'there is nothing wrong with being responsive to your child's needs though' are not going to drag me into an arguement with you. We've been there, done that - it has no value being done again.

erm. ok. i wasn't trying to start an argument.

i didn't realise i wasn't allowed to respond to posts by you. you should have said.

feel free to ask MN to delete it if it really bothers you.

i don't even remember any previous discussions with you either to be honest. but clearly i've said something in the past that's riled you.

ho hum

Poor you, so painful to have one of your children in turmoil - even if its out of the best possible intentions, which clearly it has been. Do not, repeat not, give yourself a hard time, for starters.

I would talk to the old school to find out options, but also keep talking to dd over the next few days (mornings only, absolutely, IMO) and letting her grieve without making it either 'bigger' or 'smaller' than it is. She has had a loss, and its fair enough that she is mourning it - and also fair enough that she is anxious, because the old school was known and this one is not.

My own take on it would be that, if its handled well and she's supported through it, a loss and a change might not be a bad thing - she may learn more resilience, and that she can survive change and end up having a great time. Personally, I would say that 'supported through it' will involve having a gentle settling in plan with the new school - cold turkey over minor separations is fine, but this is a pretty big deal. Kids going in to our school, even from it's own nursery, would have a few hours (with their mums or dads) to visit, get to know the place...they would then have half days...then a gradual induction over the first half of the first term.

Good luck

Look.

"U no ur bubs hun"

Really, you do. It all depends on her personality and how she is handling it. Maybe it is worth persevering a few days?

My son started school, and spent 3-4 weeks at his school. He made lots of new friends, and were in the same class as three of the children from his preschool.

Then we moved to London (from Norway). He took it in his stride. He went to his old school in Norway on Friday, and to his new London school for the first day of term here on tuesday, in the beginning of September. It was not a problem at all. No tears, no fuss. He was not bothered that he did not make friends to start with, that his English was not the same standard as the rest of his class, that his class mates could read (on account of starting school at 4, and he jumped straight into year 2 ). But my son is quite possibly the most laid-back and easy going little chap I have ever met. It could be that your dd just needs a few more days, and it could be that she wont settle. But you wont know until you have tried a few more days.

Struggling between two schools is difficult. Having a child that wont settle is also difficult. Try her a few more days, while you explore options for how you could resolve it with the old school... Good luck.

My parents moved me to a new school after reception or thereabouts. I remember crying every time I went past my old school, for months. But they had my best interests at heart in moving me, and I knew that even at the time. You have your dds interests at heart too, so you have no reason to feel guilty.

Having said that, if you genuinely feel that the new school is a less good fit for her than the old one, and that really she is being moved just for convenience on the school run, then consider moving her back. But if this school is equally as good for her except for the fact that it is new, then stick it out - any small child will balk at radical change - it's hardly surprising that its going to be difficult at first. But she's settled well once - no real reason to think she wouldn't again! Give it a few weeks and she may not want to leave her new friends:)

Can you get transport sorted for your son? You will be entitled to it if he is in the unit. You haven't mentioned anything about that so far?

I don't want to make you feel any worse but I would contact school asap and see if they have her place still and then get her name down on the breakfast club list asap! I ran breakfast club at my old school and it was free so very popular, BUT we always prioritised people like your DD or if they had any social issues, SS etc. Besides also the parents never knew where they were on the waiting list!

I guess, I feel for her because she has had to make a sacrifice so her brother benefits and am guessing that is where your huge guilt trip lies. Plus she is far too young to understand this and nor should she know.

BUT if you cannot get her place back, then you have to pump yourself up and take it on the chin. Though tbh, the school saying take her home does not seem helpful at all. I could understand if they thought "woah" she's a tough cookie, so take her home then we will meet in the morning to discuss her settling in plan. She is young and does not have to be at school until the term after her 5th birthday - I am not advocating whipping her in and out as you please though! Surely, although if she has to go back there she will have to settle in, some sort of settling in period would be good and fair - I am a teaching assistant and DH a teacher so seeing it from the other side too!

Well I have spoken at length with her Dad, he says that he thinks we should press on at the new school.

I can catergorically tell you it was NOT entirely because of convenience on the School Run, seriously that was probably about a 10% factor in the decision, when we first went to look at the school I was asking about the timings so I could work out how best to keep getting dd to her school. They told me they had reception places and would we like to take a look, so we did and liked the look of it, no more no less than her old school.

I just had a quiet bed time chat with her and asked how she felt she said she doesn't want to go to school at ALL and wants to stay at home with me! Which strangely enough I do find comforting because it means she is not overwhelmingly attached to the old one but would rather go there if she has to go at all. I also asked her how she would feel if Mummy came with her for a few days and she said "yes, but then I come home with you", meaning not to leave her there on her own but the fact that she is willing to go again is surely a good sign?

I do believe this school is as good for her, not better, but certainly not worse, the only problem with it is that yes, it is new and she was just so upset today about going.

I am still going to ring her old school tomorrow though and see where we stand.

but can you get the transport for your son?

Yes, I would take that as a helpful sign...its the normal place to start from with a child going in to a new nursery, after all, and as she hasn't done the 'going to a new school' thing in her old school (which she knew well already) she is bound to go through it with the new one.

If you like the school 'no more or no less' than her old school and the convenience was only 10% of the decision - what was the 90% that made you change her? I'm confused.

I have been trying to work that one out too chipping!

OP - I only went off your original post which stated - I cannot get dd and ds to their school on time they are miles in the opposite directions. So dd was supposed to start there this morning too. which to me suggested you had little choice but to move DD there as you'd finally got the place for your DS

Because we wanted her to be at the same school as her brother and when we spoke about it they both said they wanted that too.
Because it seemed like a nice school and we liked the Headmistress.
Because one or other of them will be late or early in order for them to be at different schools.
When we talked about the change, she seemed happy with it and understanding of what it mean't and I do think she was to a certain extent until she got there today and walked into the unfamiliar classroom with all the new faces looking at her.

So a fair few little positives that added up to the bigger picture.

We probably could get transport for ds, yes, but it goes all around the houses, in London traffic and we are quite far away so would mean him being on the transport for up to an hour each way, with me, in the car it is only twenty minutes.

It's horrible being in the thick of it, but it WILL get better sooner or later. My friends had to move her DD and it took over a term for her to adjust (with tears most mornings), but she did. That was a couple of years ago and now she is as happy as larry. It was a very tough time, but worth it in the long run, I'd stick to your guns and press on with it.

I would stick to the new school, OP, tbh. She is bound to have had a shock going in today, natural for her to feel overwhelmed - you haven't done anything wrong, just sort out a settling in plan that you and she are more comfortable with, and keep going forwards. It does make sense to me that you want them at the same school, its just natural for her to have a lot of feelings about the newness!

Can you set up a few playdates with new potential friends this week/next week? That would help my dd, I think...

Thank you all so much for taking the time to answer. I don't feel as guilty as I did earlier, it has helped talking it over. Going to sleep on it and see how things look tomorrow morning, will ring old school and sound them out but am also going to go in with her tomorrow and hang around for an hour and then bring her home just to keep options open. On balance I think I would prefer her to be in the new school as I do really want them together, for silly reasons really, I would have hated to go to a different school to my little sister, I used to really look out for her, would have felt very odd for her not to be there.

Ah the dreaded "playdate", definitely will try as I only want to make things easier for dd. Bit scared I will look like a bit mad though, popping up into everyones faces and arranging play dates the first few days she is there .

I would also stick with the new school. It will be upsetting for a few days but she will soon get to like it and life will be so much easier for all of you

And if she stays there I am definitely going to do a structured settle in with her. I know it will really help if I stay for a few days. I am remember now what a sad she was when she started nursery, apparently she used to sit on the chair next to the door and wait for me to come back . She was very tearful the first few weeks of old school Reception as well and she has actually only been there for 5 weeks. That is why I was hoping the change wouldn't be so significant, well messed that one up didn't I.

In that case I'd definitely stick it out. You moved her for good reasons; she's finding the change difficult but she will settle eventually - small kids are way more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for. Some parenting decisions are tough and involve tears - vaccines, discipline etc - but as the adult you do ultimately act in what you believe are their best interests. Noone can ask for more than that.

I had something similar, but my DS is already 6. he was VERY happy and settled in school. Did well, has many friends, loves his teachers. But older brother has SEN and we had to move him.

We moved BOTH children.

So youngest DS has been crying every morning for 3 weeks and that made me feel pretty sh%t TBH.

But I went for the no-nonsense approach, after all, the new set up makes sense and I am sure DS will settle in. So I just got on with it. I would give him a hug and a kiss and make a quick exit.

6 weeks in, he is settled, happy, no more tears.

You just have to really believe you are doing the right thing. Play down the sadness, take a cheerful approach, don't dwell on the past. look at the future etc.

Good luck! Just be gentle but FIRM. She takes her cues from you (and yes she WOULD notice you crying in the car!).

It'll be fine.

is there an update to this thread at all? been wondering about you today op and how it went....

i think you are doing the right thing- a few weeks, although it seems painful now - its much easier and less stressful for all of you long term if they are in the same school. I plan to have both DDs is separate schools when DD2 doesnt get in her sisters school next year but DD1 is in Y1 so different scenario - 2 years seems to long to move especially as her current school is better. Good luck!

Hi,
I moved both my dd's to a new school in september, dd2 has ASD and dd1 has AS, i thought dd1 would be fine as she's a confident child and will talk to anyone but when it came to it she was very upset and shy , last week was the first week with no tears from her and no mention of the old school, the first week was hell and i was tempted to take dd1 back to her old school .

I would try and introduce her slowly, maybe send her in for an hour the first day and 2 hours the next (build it up each day), stay with her for a while, be strong, i know its heart breaking (i spent many days crying for dd1). Moving schools is hard and it will take time.