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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DCs left primary school but their old friends mums wont bother to contact us

15 replies

earlycomputers · 06/10/2011 17:02

Our DCs (aged 5 and 7) left their state primary school recently for a number of reasons (huge class sizes (37), staff absenteism, mixed year groups, little provision for able pupils, very poor parent/teacher communication etc ). The eldest has gone to an independent junior school (there were no spaces in other local state primaries and for other reasons) and the youngest to a different local state primary. We were reluctant to move them as they both had some very good friends at their old school. Anyway, since we moved schools (but have still stayed in the same house as before so not moved area), their friends mums have stopped contacting us - literally dropped us like a stone. I am quite upset for the DCs because I had meant to try and keep their old friendships up and have sent party invites/play date invites etc but they have all been ignored. Is it because we just dont go to the same school any more?

OP posts:

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Popbiscuit · 06/10/2011 17:07

Why don't you contact them? It's probably not personal...everyone's just busy and it's easier to set-up play dates etc. with kids that go to the same school because you see them all the time. I bet they'd be pleased to hear from you :)

ChinaInYourHands · 06/10/2011 17:08

Yes. Out of sight out of mind kinda thing.
Don't worry, your DC will make other friends soon.

olibeansmummy · 09/10/2011 08:35

Have you contacted them?

DownbytheRiverside · 09/10/2011 08:38

'have sent party invites/play date invites etc but they have all been ignored.'

Yes, she has tried to contact them, she said that in her OP.

DownbytheRiverside · 09/10/2011 08:42

Were you friends with the parents?
It does sound as if you left to put your children into a better learning environment and they either can't or don't want to leave.
That sort of difference can create a lot of tension in relationships, I'd concentrate on getting your children to make new friendships.
Will they see their old friends at sports clubs or holiday clubs, or in the local park?
Your children are now in two different schools. Will that be the situation for the rest of primary? What do you plan on doing at secondary?

scaevola · 09/10/2011 08:48

Yes, but don't read too much into that.

It's nothing to do with why you moved or where you went. It is everything to do with school being the hub of interactions for children that age. The children will be talking about and asking to play with the children they are seeing regularly and the parents will follow that.

Your DCs aren't forgotten, but they just don't feature in the daily round. Your DCs will make friends at their new schools, and then you won't have so much time for out-of-school friends either.

But if there are friendships you want to keep up, I'd suggest two things: as others have suggested, you keep asking DC's friends round; and find a club (football? Scouts?) attended by a number of those with whom your DCs want to stay in touch, and let continuity grow from there.

As we're only a few weeks into the new term, how many times have you actually been ignored? Were these mothers good at RSVPing to party invitations before? For playdates, try ringing - you'll gauge more about underlying attitude in conversation than from a text, and might find out useful stuff like 'oh, it's useless to invite on a Thurs because the school has a new Warhammer club that night and everyone goes".

chobbler · 09/10/2011 14:01

Sorry to say that after leaving our previous 'live in each others pockets school', 95% of the friendships died between the children and other parents. We tried to maintain them but after sending over 45 Christmas cards to former friends, parents and colleagues ( I volunteered in the school) I received one back, so gave up. I have perhaps four mums that still acknowledge and speak to me but even that number is dwindling. When asked how DD is coping in their new school the other parents are disgusted when I say openly they love it and are much better now thank you. it is as if they don't want you to have a better time as they then feel their choice to stay isn't the right one.

spiderpig8 · 09/10/2011 23:02

people are generally friends because of the things they have in common.If school was the only thing in common then they won't want to bother keeping in touch.

Iamseeingstars · 09/10/2011 23:23

I wouldnt worry yourself about it, start to make new friends with new mums.

Live goes on. We have moved schools several times and each time people who I considered I was close to promised to keep in touch but they never do. I sent countless emails, rang them but found it was me doing all the chasing.

People are very closeted and dont like change, and you breaking away from the school can be seem by some as a snub, despite the reasons being for the right ones. Out of sight out of mind is definitely so true.

Always smile and be pleasant when you see them, but dont beat yourself up. As mentioned before, if there is a specific parent you liked, you could maybe ring them, or even call round during school time.

Original poster

earlycomputers · 11/10/2011 22:30

many thanks for your messages - I will trying phoning again but I am just so angry with them now I dont think I can be bothered!

OP posts:

PattySimcox · 11/10/2011 22:36

Give it one more try? Given that half term is coming why don't you invite them all round to an open house type affair perhaps? Follow it up the day before and see who comes.

Life does get busy and it is easy to let things slip and also they may feel that you don't want to be involved with them as you have moved on.

Chandon · 12/10/2011 09:34

what exactly has happened? Did you send an invite and got no response?

I am in the same situation as you, and moved my children aged 8 and 6 from the much loved local primary to go private. Most people knew my oldest DS had trouble in his class concentrating(36) and did very poorly in SATS, was on IEPs etc. he aslo got beaten up a few times, which was the final straw for me.

I feel I have to tread carefully when people ask how they are getting on. TBH, I can only confess to parents of children who go to private school what an amazing difference it is. If parents of their old friends ask, I just say "yeah, it's early days, it seems o.k.".

I am VERY much aware that some of DC friends' parents are either anti private school and assume you must be a snob (much witnessed on MN as well), and other parents feel bad as they would like to move their DC but don't have the money. Few parents are neutral.

So I think it is really important to not wax lyrical, but to be a bit sensitive to this. I am also very careful that I do not dis the old school to my DC (kids talk!).

Also, I am fully aware that as I am now out of the daily loop, it is up to me to stay in touch with DC's old friends' parents/friends.

Only one "friend" has said; "Oh Chandon, are you sure you want to meet up? I thought you'd feel too good for us now". I told her to eff off and get that chip of her shoulder, which she took well

Anyway, I think the effort has to come from you, it would be odd if ALL the mums dropped you TBH. So tell us how you invited them, and what they did or didn't do?

IndigoBell · 12/10/2011 10:20

We moved school but not house because we were very unhappy with the school.

Our new school is far, far better.

Kids still play together because they live on the same street and see each other round.

Parents not so friendly - I think it's because they don't want to admit that they're keeping their child at a bad school.

dearheart · 12/10/2011 10:44

I think you have to be realistic about it - a lot of these friendships are based on convenience and proximity, so it is not surprising if other parents don't make that much effort once you have left. And it is hard to get away from the fact that you don't think the school is good enough for your dcs, whereas they have chosen/or have to send theirs there. And of course once your dcs get settled in their new school they will naturally move away from their old friends.

I don't think it is that personal - but most parents prefer their kids to socialise with children at the same school because it helps with pick-ups etc. Just moved dd and have some of the same issues, so I am not unsympathetic btw - just think it is one of the hard things about moving school.

Flyonthewindscreen · 12/10/2011 12:34

My DC then aged 3 and 5 moved school/playgroup when we moved house from a close knit village (but a short move distance wise so easy to meet up). Initially we met up a lot with the old friends and in retrospect it may have hindered DS from making friends in his new school. So unless there are children/parents that are really important to you/your DC and it would upset them to lose contact I would not pursue the friendships too much. and concentrate on new ones. My DC are 7 and 9 now and we still meet up occasionally with a couple of families from our old village but the other friendships have faded naturally away.

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