New school - new friendships? How to approach DS birthday in two weeks time?

[TooMuchCaffeine]

DS (our only child) is in Yr3. His birthday in a fortnight. Long story short - we removed him from his previous school because we felt that there was too much bullying and aggressive behaviour - some of it directed at him, from two boys in particular.

He has now moved to a new school - the school where he used to attend the nursery. So he knows some of the children there already from nursery and from some of his other activities and has settled in nicely. He has made friends with a group of three boys.

My question is should I invite them to round for hotdogs and a movie on DS birthday which is on a school day? We are not doing a party for DS this year because we are taking him somewhere for a special treat. But I thought it would be nice to have some of his school friends - especially as there was a bit of misunderstanding last week when DS felt they were being mean to him (this is now all sorted and they are fine).

My hesitation is because last year at DS's old school, I had invited one of the bullying boys (who was DS friend at the time) and another boy S to tea AND DS's laser party. The bullying boy did not invite DS to his own birthday tea a month later, started being mean to DS because DS started to befriend another boy. DS never received a reciprocal invite to S house either despite being friends with him at school.

Each year since he was a baby I have always had parties for DS. ALthough we have had return invites to parties and everyone always turns up gives presents, etc, DS has not had any lasting friendships lasting develop out of these. So I am left feeling that I make all this effort for nothing really. We are not in contact with anyone from his last school - bar one boy (because I am friends with his mum mainly).

So should I have the tea and invite these three boys or just leave it for this year and let things develop on their own. DS is confident and social but just wants a little mate to play with at weekends and holidays. However I'm getting kind of fed up of making the first move all the time and having all these people come into my home and nothing comes out of it.

I know not everyone is social in that way. I like entertaining - adults and children. My house is the sort of place where you can just drop in for a cup of tea. The children are always welcome. But lately because of some of these experiences I feel reluctant to be that way anymore.

Just because it hasn't 'stuck' before I wouldn't give up.

If your ds was being bullied before then other children may have been wary of being too friendly. It isn't nice but children often steer around bullied children because they don't want to become a target.

I would start afresh and encourage in your son the belief that people are nice, not to stop making an effort in case they might not be worth it iyswim

What does ds want?

Wot Pag said.

Thanks. After I posted I was busy making up the invites in WOrd. They look nice. Pag the other kids don't know anything about DS's experiences in the other school. DS was not bullied in that way - was more nasty comments and being ignored by his "friend", who did the same to other children too. DS was and still is popular but no close friend yet. He has settled in well to this school and knows lots of people there from his other activities. DS is really excited about his "surprise" that we have lined up. But he would like the boys to come round. ALthough since he has heard me talking about it now says he is "not fussed". I see what you say though - not everyone is mean!

(And I know I shouldn't discuss it in front of him).

I would definitely invite the three boys round for hotdogs and a movie (though I would probably run them round a park first!)

I honestly wouldn't worry about whether invites are reciprocated or not - the point is to do nice things for your own child.

We always have people round to ours (our friends and the dcs) far more than is reciprocated. Also have to remember some people are more sociable than others.

We have only more recently had people round because with 3 little ones our house is fairly chaotic, plus after school activities. Am making more of an effort with dd2 starting school, but dd1 started school 3 weeks before ds was born. Just because these things aren't immediately reciprocated doesn't mean that they aren't appreciated. Also I think it really helps them to bond as a group without school distractions around.

we have both invited people who then haven't invited back for parties and vice versa. This year the girls want a small party so will be some not coming, but another year it might be a wider invite. I think that is the nature of parties at this stage.

This all sounds reassuring. I can see your point about after school activities, sibs, etc. I only have DS and still find I do a lot of to-ing and fro-ing just with him, let alone when you have more than one child.

I showed the invitations to DS. He likes them and I have said he can have up to five children round (I'm a sucker for punishment) I am