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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

"I'm not going to be your friend anymore."

21 replies

slinkyboo · 23/09/2011 16:39

Best responses to this asinine comment, please, so I can arm my DD (6).

So far I have said to reply 'Fine, bye bye then!'

I remember these sorts of girls from my primary school years...they want you to grovel and beg for their 'friendship. Nothing changes, does it

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AurraSing · 23/09/2011 17:02

No, nothing does change. And I recon we both have another 10 years of it!

I haven't anything better than the "fine with me". It's not easy when they come home from school crying that no one will play with them, but I'm sure my dd dishes it out as much as she receives it.

Runoutofideas · 23/09/2011 17:02

I've told my dd1 (6 too) to just give it a breezy "OK then" and wander off to play with someone else. Easier said than done though I think.

Original poster

slinkyboo · 23/09/2011 18:45

Thank you.
with kids who say this!!

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pilates · 23/09/2011 19:01

Yes second what runoutofideas said.

I think the trick is to pretend you're not bothered and play with someone else.

When they see you're having fun and you don't need them they will come running back.

dikkertjedap · 23/09/2011 19:46

I would tell her to respond 'That is not very kind'. It might be time for the teacher to have a little chat with the class about friendship and being friends is not exclusive (i.e. being friendly with many kids rather than just one). This type of behaviour can definitely be tackled and corrected if the school wants to and is alert (or alerted).

Original poster

slinkyboo · 23/09/2011 20:54

I agree, dikkertjedap. And, bless her, she did say 'you are not being kind'. The other girl continued being unpleasant, however.

I do find that some children seem to say it all the time...they fall back on it of something is not going their way. Then it's immediately 'well, I'm not your friend anymore'.

I remember it all too well from primary school and I am determinded that DD will NOT be upset by it as I was!!

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Fairenuff · 23/09/2011 21:50

"You're not my friend anyway"

"OK, smell you later"

"Then you wont want to come to my birthday party"

"Then you don't want to know my secret"

"Don't care, so there"

Obviously not advocating any of the above, as a responsible adult, but you just unleashed the child in me.

HazeOnTheHorizon · 24/09/2011 10:27

It's horrible isn't it. DD's friends seem obsessed with un-inviting people to their parties. Even if they aren't actually having one anytime in the foreseeable future

I usually try to say to DD that children only say things like that because they are bossy and trying to get you to do what they want, but basically 'they are not the boss of you, only the teacher is, so ignore them!'.

hiccymapops · 24/09/2011 10:31

Ds is 5, and constantly upset by this, one 'friend' in particular. It's heartbreaking, will try all above responses, but it seems no matter what you say, it still upsets them

Original poster

slinkyboo · 24/09/2011 11:12

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WoodBetweenTheWorlds · 24/09/2011 11:20

Just asked my dd (6) what she would say, and her answer was:

"OK that's fine, it's your choice. If you ever change your mind, then you can be my friend again, but if you don't want to, that's fine by me!"

Then she said, "basically I'd just accept it and find someone else to play with. You can't force someone to be your friend."

Wise words from a 6yo I think! :)

vanfurgston · 26/09/2011 10:54

this is bringing back memories i very successfully blocked :(

Original poster

slinkyboo · 26/09/2011 18:36

The same girl said this twice today to DD. DD said 'but you already said you wouldn't be my friend earlier today!' it is a phrase that is thrown out whenever the child saying it feels they are not getting their way. Very early manipulation of other people
It bothers me. A lot. And I know I have to get over it as I have years of it, and more, to come
HE beginning to seem attractive...

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dikkertjedap · 26/09/2011 18:44

I really would recommend speaking to the teacher and asking if they can talk about friendship at school and that being friends is being inclusive rather than exclusive. Also, if possible speak to the playground supervisors or ask the teacher to alert them. This can be tackled and IMO should be tackled. I deal with it on a daily basis and yes, often the same offenders, but it is a matter of keeping persevering until the penny finally drops. I do ensure that the offenders are known and the days they have been unfriendly won't receive special rewards/stickers due to their unfriendliness in the playground (and then making a big fuss about a child which was a good friend and played with children left on their own etc.). I also point out that if you have only a best friend and best friend is ill, you will be all on your own, not very nice. So it is better to be friendly with all the children and all play together and have fun together.

Lancelottie · 26/09/2011 18:59

God, we're still wrestling with this with 12-yr-old DS! His current dilemma is that 'best' friend (female) jealously tries to prevent him being mates with anyone else, and frequently tells him he 'can't be her friend any more if...'.

DS is bewildered but loyal, and today was sagely ascribing it to a difficult upbringing 'and I'm sort of sorry for her, because most people just say Fine and go away, and she hates that, so she hasn't got any other real friends.'

Luckily both are somewhat behind the emotional growth curve for adolescents (some SEN on both sides) so I don't think this is my future dDIL...

hiccymapops · 26/09/2011 20:19

Dikkertjedap that sounds really good. I've got a meeting with ds1's teacher on Thursday to discuss how unhappy he is at playtimes. Hopefully she'll do something like that.

busybee20 · 27/09/2011 10:29

My child has just started reception and their early morning routine is to have the register then 'free' time to try the activities around class. She has already come home saying that x is her best friend and then the next day saying that y said x can't be her best friend because she is best friends with her!

I think all schools during register time (cos thats when all kids are sat together) should start the day with talk about how important it is for everyone to be nice to each other. Explain that the children don't need to play with the same child everyday. 'We are all friends' so the kids don't feel pressured to have a 'best friend'. And most importantly warn the children that being mean and saying horrible things to each other will have harsh consequences. If it's drummed into their heads then I believe alot of these 'phrases' wouldn't be used.

Original poster

slinkyboo · 27/09/2011 18:27

I totally agree with you, busybee. Sadly many, many people say 'it's all part of childhood' etc, as if it's ok to be mean

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Doobydoo · 28/09/2011 19:39

Phew for this thread.DS2 IS 4.5 and in reception.A boy he was 'friends' with in preschool does not want to play with him anymore.DS2 went to his house to play and the boy wouldn't play with him[even though he invited him!]
We have said to ds2 that you can't make people play with you and that it is good to play with lots of people.He just seems bewildered and said today he does not want to go because of the boy.This other boy also said that ds2 dosen't speak properly[has trouble with F].I shall try to use some of your approaches.I really like the idea of the teacher talking about friendship etc.Ds2 was desperate to go to school otherwise we would have delayed it abit...I feel

Original poster

slinkyboo · 28/09/2011 19:46

Doobydoo definitely talk to the teacher.
I had DD and this other girl (she of the 'I'm not going to be your friend' ilk) and a couple of others at the school gate yesterday. I said something quite generally like 'I've heard some children say things like that...I hope it's not true as it's very unkind and unpleasant.' etc. They all listened intently. I also said that if any one of them had it said to them, they should tell the teacher immediately that someone was being unkind...
Don't know if it will help, we will see.
I thought it was only girls and I am that it's boys too...

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Doobydoo · 28/09/2011 19:52

Thank Slinky.I think that sounds a good idea talking about it loudly!
The thing is I can see why this other boy might be like this...he is middle son and his youngest brother had health issues when he was born and I think he feels insecure...BUT...I still feel and .Really hope you and your dd get things sorted.I am sure it will be ok but it is the bewilderment isn't it?Also am quite shocked at how mean 4 year olds can be1

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