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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

DD is being bullied in Reception

50 replies

gigglersqueak · 18/09/2011 08:59

DD has just started reception. She's been fairly quiet every night when I pick her up and been going to bed earlier than she used to (she used to find an excuse to stay up). I put it down to adapting to school and big changes. She's also been under the weather with a high temperature, again I've put it all down to big changes in her life.

This morning she told me she doesn't have any friends at school and she wants to go back to nursery where everyone likes her. I asked her what she meant and she said everytime she tries to play with the other girls they say she can't join them or share toys as she 'doesn't have blonde hair'. Here's the thing, she is mixed race and we have lived in a not very diverse area. As a white mum, I've never experienced racism or feeling different, I'm so upset that she is being made to feel different at such a young age. She's never encountered this before, her friends outside school are diverse.

I asked her if she spoke to teachers and teachers have told girls to play nicely but she is still left out. I've tried to make light of this but I don't want her to be affected by this as usually she is a confident kid.

What do I do? I could talk to teachers but don't want to single her out, can anyone help?

Thanks from a sad concerned mum.

OP posts:

seeker · 18/09/2011 12:29

And if you haven't already, get your dd the Grace books, by Mary Hoffman. They are brilliant, and deal very well with this sort of thing. I'll try and find a link in anbit.

Original poster

gigglersqueak · 18/09/2011 14:06

Thanks Blu and seeker, I've just ordered Amazing Grace, sounds a lovely book for my dd.

Thanks again Mumsnet . P.S. She has perked up this afternoon and temperature gone so back to school tomorrow.

OP posts:

ScarlettIsWalking · 18/09/2011 15:32

I second the grace books they are beautiful. Good luck to your dd I am sure this will blow over. These first weeks are so tough aren't they? Dd is also poorly at the moment from all the stress of starting school. But it's v early days. :)

bigTillyMint · 18/09/2011 16:17

Blu, I am so by the Prince Chocolate Face story. Speechless.

I live and work in a very culturally mixed area and it's easy to forget how insular and "white" some areas of the country are. One of the reasons I wouldn't want to move from where I live.

motherinferior · 18/09/2011 16:27

And please - it's not that all little girls this age are bitchy and just want to be in gangs. Really it's not. Both my daughters have gone through reception and above (they're now in Y4 and Y6) and it's not this mini-Mean Girls scenario that so many people say it is.

Blu · 18/09/2011 18:07

TillyMint - yes, it was pretty - and sad too - as DS had just spent his birthday money on a 'Prince hat' (a Bonnie Prince Charlie beret with a feather in it) and a wooden sword from the Battle Abbey Gift Shop and was excited about being a prince.

It is important that teachers deal with children (of all genders, as MI says) excluding others on the basis of any difference, and I am sure any good teacher and school wil wish to.

Sadly they can't guarantee what kind of stuff any child is exposed to at home, but they can be very clear about what is acceptable oin school.

spiderpig8 · 18/09/2011 18:38

I'd disagree with motherinferior.Groups of girls do nearly always generate unpleasant 'bitchy' behaviour before too long.IME the only mothers who are unaware of this are the ones whose DDs are the bullies.

Original poster

gigglersqueak · 18/09/2011 19:02

Just logged back in whilst hubby doing bathtime. I forgot to say I too was shocked Blu son's experience, I hope he wasn't too affected, his hat sounds great.

I completely agree that in school, teachers can help children better understand differences and teach them to have inclusion. I suspect those areas where there is a cultural mix will be more active in this area than in areas where there is no diversity.

Starting school is challenging not only for children but also parents, I'm exhausted from it all too!

OP posts:

nametapes · 18/09/2011 19:07

Those 5 year olds sound right little madams, and at such a young age too. Sorry your little one is having trouble in her first few weeks.

You do need to go in I think and discuss this with her teacher. If my DD was one of those mean little brats i would tell her off. The teacher in charge should be listening out for this kind of exclusion behaviour and stamp on it immediately. Good luck, and I hope your DD makes friends.

nametapes · 18/09/2011 19:14

motherinferior · 18/09/2011 19:17

Well, thanks for that ....I shall disregard the many instances I've seen of friendship and support and real affection between girls on the basis that my two are clearly the manipulating uberbitches of the playground.

motherinferior · 18/09/2011 19:21

To get back to the OP: I'm so sorry this is happening, and I'd be down to the school pronto. And they should tackle it pronto too.

(Oh, and if they don't, tell them your cybermate MI is currently co-authoring a book on diversity in primary schools which will set them right )

Original poster

gigglersqueak · 18/09/2011 19:25

Thanks for the reassurance and kind words motherinferior and nametape, I'm hoping my dd will be ok. It is a fresh new week after all and hopefully she'll be making new friends and back to her old chatty self!

OP posts:

MissBetsyTrotwood · 18/09/2011 21:23

My DS had an ongoing issue from nursery with another boy and came home last week really upset. What seemed manageable to him in nursery (half days, home for lunch, bigger space) really gets to him now. He was crying on Thursday evening, saying 'It must be me - why am I bad, why is he picking on me...'. I spoke to the TA the following morning and his teacher that afternoon. By the end of the day they'd observed them closely and told the rest of the Reception team who work on break and lunch duties. And, of course, spoken to both of them individually.

If you feel uncomfortable speaking to the teacher about it in front of your DD or other children in the class at drop off time you could always ask them to give you a ring later in the day.

Fairenuff · 18/09/2011 22:28

Whether or not it was racist depends on how it was perceived by your DD. In my reception class a girl told me others were calling her chocolate cake and birthday cake because she was brown (her words). This would be recorded by the school as racist. The child was upset and the teacher spoke to the children about treating each other with kindness and respect. I am sure your DDs teacher will want to know about this and you should tell your DD if anyone is unkind to her at school she should tell her teacher, TA or other adult on duty. They are trained to respond appropriately. I wouldn't use the term bullying or racist, just say what happened and let the school judge it for now.

sleepwouldbenice · 19/09/2011 00:04

Glad you have got the support on here to talk to the teachers. I have no idea how this would be labelled (bullying, being mean, whatever), but I would hope its not coming from anything at home and could therefore be nipped in the bud easily. Your lo starting school is hard enough and its so sad you are facing this.

I just wanted to add my support on the subject - I would be horrified if I discovered my kids had been involved in any type of excluding or meaness of others and would totally want the teachers to gently or more firmly take it up with the children, and let me know if it was an ongoing issue

Good luck

spiderpig8 · 19/09/2011 08:51

how is 'not blonde haired' racist? Are you implying that all white children with brown black or ginger hair don't exist??

verybusyspider · 19/09/2011 09:16

I echo what everyone else has said, speak to the teacher and please don't get hung up on labelling this as bully or racism, children are mean, some are meaner than others, there is loads of 'you can't play, because I said so' going on at school especially in the early days when they are trying to establish themselves

Good luck xx

May09Bump · 19/09/2011 17:59

It must be hard hearing something like this from your LO - hopefully it's just a case of the other children innocently not being use to mixing with non-white people (as you said the demographic isn't varied). I agree with the others about play dates (sometimes hard work for parents, but great for the kids) and that the school should maybe have a diversity assembly or something (can be also fun with lots of projects).

Since my Son (2.5yrs) was born I have been dreading his first school days - he has a birthmark over half of his face and obviously to a new group of children he will be different. Intentionally I have raised him to be as outgoing as he can and always chat to people. I believe different is also special, so maybe your LO once settled will have lots of friends.

Also, children say what they see sometimes - my son (he is blonde, his dad is dark skinned being half spanish) the other day said in a very loud voice why is that man black. And that is with his living in a very diverse city and us looking through books about different cultures / people. He also says ola (hello) to every slightly spanish looking person.

I hope you have a nice chat with the teacher and your LO feels better / has a better school experience. Why don't they tell you how much you worry as a parent :)

hester · 19/09/2011 18:17

Why is it that these threads always attract posters whose only concern is to insist that this is nothing to do with racism? The OP sounds a measured and thoughtful woman to me - maybe best to let her and the teacher work out what's going on and the best response to it?

As for insisting that all girls are mean bullies and any one who says otherwise is parenting the worst of the lot - well, there's a lovely circular argument for you! Love the idea that motherinferior is incubating a nest of female vipers

OP, I agree with the others that you need to talk to the teacher. I am the lesbian mother of a white child and a mixed race child, and last year my eldest (Reception) got some teasing about having two mums. I was nervous about talking to the teacher as she hadn't come across as particularly approachable or interested in diversity, but actually she was great and handled it perfectly. She completely got that although it was premature to label it as homophobic or bullying, it had to be nipped in the bud. We agreed that the best way forward was for her to talk to my dd (and this really boosted her confidence that the adults cared and would support her) and that she would gently introduce some discussion about different kinds of family into the classroom. That was all that was needed at this stage, and I was very happy with the outcome.

Very best of luck to you and your dd.

Original poster

gigglersqueak · 19/09/2011 21:06

Evening everyone. I really appreciate the best wishes and good advice from you all - its great to hear your positive experiences like Hester, MissBetsy and others.

Well despite my best intentions, renewed positivity and build up to chatting with her teachers, I've been off today looking after my poorly DD.

I now at least have an idea of how I will approach this situation and have some great tips from you all. Just hoping the school has activities surrounding friendships and respect, as I said earlier some schools are more active on this than others.

Thanks again, I'm still smurking at Hester's 'nest of female vipers' analogy...

OP posts:

Blu · 20/09/2011 21:51

Aah, Hester is always an oasis of wisdom and common sense.

I do hope your dd gets better soon, OP.

hester · 21/09/2011 00:40

Blu xx

Jinx1906 · 21/09/2011 11:13

If you are at all concerned that your DD is excluded from play you need to go and see the teacher and ask what can be done to make things easier/better for your DD and perhaps make an appointment in a little while to see if things have improved.

However, I wouldn't worry too much about the blond issue. My friend who is Irish and has very fair skin, to the point where she almost looks white . She was called in to nursery the other day because the teachers were concerned that she told another child she plays with that she prefers white skin. The teacher seemed to think this was a racist thing to say, so eyebrows were raised when my friend pointed out to the nursery staff the her husband/ the dad was in fact Indian and the child was being raised as a Muslim. I'm only saying this because I think it is normal that some children will prefer blond, black, white etc depending on the hair and skin colour of one of their parents, most likely mum or other people they are fond off.

annoyingdevil · 21/09/2011 11:59

Funny isn't it, a group of boys falling out and disagreeing is 'normal'. A group of girls doing the same are 'bitchy'.

IMO, in reception, friendships between children is mostly down to the mothers. DD had no friends in reception and was excluded because I didn't know anyone.

DS has a best friend in reception, and is close friends with another. Low and behold, I am friends with both of the mothers

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