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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

I cannot make friends with the mums ...

45 replies

Bellefleur38 · 04/07/2011 16:14

I am new on the forum, but i really felt i needed to hear some other "mums" advice so here it goes:

We moved our daughter to a privet school last year, it is a lovely school i cannot say anything negative about this, altough i also loved the school my daughter (age 8) was at previously - a state school. My husband got a promotion and really wanted this for our daughter so we opted to move her and yes, she loves it also. That said it has been a real struggle for me to connect with any of the mums. I know i am a shy person but i do go out of my way to say hello and how are you ....

The culture of this school is so different - or maybe just the mums, i know that all must be nice persons but they are so very hard to talk to. I am desperate to make some friends, for my daughter and for me, but it is just not working. They all have their groups etc already.

We have a class representative and i found out last week it is her job to inform parents of little bits and bobs, still i have not heard about anything.

I confronted her (kindly) to be spoken to, if you cannot be bothered to give me your mobile i cannot include you in my texts. OK, i know i am a little old-fashioned but i don`t have one, i do have email though. She smiled and walked away.

Is it just me or are there other mums out there whom feel when standing at the gate a complete alien ...

I don`t want another year like this, I am going to all the birthday parties, trying my best to fit in ... but will i ever ?

Gosh ... I am so angree at myself for not having better social skills and being up to date with all the trends etc ... am i letting my daughter down also - she seems to fit in just fine ...

Sorry ... just needed to get it out as this is mumsnet after all and at the moment i am feeling one lonely mum!

Belle x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Elibean · 05/07/2011 18:20

Well done with the phone, Belle! Good luck in September, and the MN school gates will still be here....

ScarlettIsWalking · 05/07/2011 20:30

You sound lovely! I wish more of the Mums from DDs class were like you.

Good luck and it will be fine I'm sure. Once they get to know YOU.

HooverTheHamaBeads · 05/07/2011 21:47

I was going to suggest that you ask if your DD would like to invite a friend home for tea, that is the way I found to get to know some of the mums.

We move all the time (army) and I am always the new person and also shy so it can e very difficult. Usually what I do is keep my eyes peeled for the very next new person and extend them a warm welcome. That is a great way to make friends.

I've got to do it all over again though come September as we are moving in August.

sugartongue · 05/07/2011 23:13

FWIW I don't think it's a private/state school issue either - I moved the DCs from state to private a while back and whilst I never really had any friends amongst the mums at the state school and always felt arkward with them, I've made some brilliant and lasting friendships with mums at the private school - and that's not a private/state school thing either, just the luck of the draw!! It did take a while though, so I'd say keep chatting at the school gate and at parties, get involved in school trips and events where possible, and you will hopefully get a feel for which mums you connect with. There are bound to be some mums who will always make your skin crawl....

Ferncottage · 06/07/2011 18:33

Dilys you could be me. But I just think how weird the `in' mums are. One mentions the teacher's name in every other breath to show what good friends they are. Others just ignore me when I say hello despite the fact that their children have been to our house for tea. One looks really panicky when she sees me and moves away - and she's the chair of governors. What have I done? We were new a year ago and it is private. That said, at state school had same problem with my older daughter but none at all with my younger daughter. Weird.

skybluepearl · 06/07/2011 19:54

well done for buying a phone. now get texting! can you chat to one or two mums who seem approachable and ask them if they want to go to the park after school or invite them for coffee?

Aftereightsaremine · 07/07/2011 16:23

I volunteer for everything, PTA, reading mum, school trips, helping in the school shop, making costumes etc but I am not an 'in mum' at all. Far from it which is why I have had to work so damn hard to get myself known! I also think its essential to go to coffee mornings if you can- they are useful for networking & eventually (&hopefully) you will make some friends. Good luck

HelloKlitty · 07/07/2011 17:42

I don't really understand the need to make friends with school Mums.....is it perhaps that a proportion of the other Mums are like me and just haven't time to make new friends? I am approachable and friendly...but I don't want to have coffees etc with Mums from school....I have friends already.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 07/07/2011 19:25

Why do people try so hard to get accepted at the school gate. It really does not bother me. If people speak to me i speak to them, if they dont i dont. They are people i see for 10 minutes max in a day. I dont think people make lifelong friendships with other parents at the school and if they do they have probably known each other for years anyway.

HelloKlitty · 07/07/2011 19:45

I don't know fifi I think some of them think they'll make their kids popular that way...or they feel they must know ALL the gossip in order to stay ahead of the game...what game though?

Ime kids make freinds with who they want to...they play together at s chool and if they're lucky then they might playat each others homes...but they won't really be influenced in friendships past the age of around 8 or so.

ragged · 07/07/2011 20:02

I confronted her (kindly) to be spoken to, if you cannot be bothered to give me your mobile i cannot include you in my texts.

that is so rude! (aside I know)

rabbitstew · 07/07/2011 21:03

Mmm. All very well saying you don't understand why some people want to try and make friends with other parents in the playground if you have never experienced moving to a new area where you know absolutely nobody. Not so much a question of not being bothered to make new friends, then, as not otherwise having any friends within a 100 mile radius.

aries12 · 07/07/2011 22:49

Well said Rabbitstew! If you move to a new area, do not work outside the home, have no immediate family nearby you may well have no contact with anybody else apart from your own family and the Mums you get to meet at the school gate.
It's all very well to join all these clubs and activities...but they cost money and unless you are really into the activity.....you have as much or as little chance of making friends there as at the school gate.
It's great for some to say..."I have friends I do not want new ones...my life is complete!" Friendships are ever changing and life throws all kinds of blows at us.

Cara7 · 21/09/2011 13:18

At the age of 36 I've now faced the fact that i'm usless at making friends. It's very difficult to make one good friend when doing the school run because you seem to have to get involved with them all, and nothing fills me with more fear than walking over to join a group of six jabbering women who I have nothing in common with. Spoken to them at individual times and know this to be true. May be the ones like myself who come across as quiet and rude just want the odd coffee now and again without all the sodding commitment of making it a weekly thing. I'm flakey, sometimes I feel like socialising and sometimes not - wish I could find a best mate just like me!!!!

rabbitstew · 21/09/2011 13:29

Shame you don't live near me, Cara7.

Scholes34 · 21/09/2011 13:31

Cara, I'll be your friend. Can't cope with regular meetings. Want spontaneity and to be the one who is invited occasionally, rather than always inviting. We moved when DCs were 2 and nearly one. Took time to get to know people, but now they're 14, 12 and 10, I've come a long way. Joining the PTA helped and going to things I didn't really want to go to helped to. Now I can turn down the invitations to the things I don't really want to go to, as I know I'm not missing anything now!

Merrin · 21/09/2011 15:47

There may be other mothers who feel on the outside, keep an eye out for the ones who drop and run, make friends with them, form your own clique, run for chair of the pta, then forget to inform mean class rep of events. :o

Conundrumish · 21/09/2011 21:34

Others are in cliques so tight that they nearly form a circle around each other...take care if you penetrate that....!!! Aries12 we had a clique like that. It was hilarious, they all stood in a tight circle and I used to watch one particularly aspirational [but not very nice] mum trying to get included in the tight cirlce. I called them 'the circle mums'.

Conundrumish · 21/09/2011 21:34

I didn't call them that to their face obviously!

Trying2bgd · 21/09/2011 22:48

A lot of it is down to luck, sometimes the parents are lovely and other times they seem like evil nut cases! I have kids at different schools, one is very friendly and informal and I have made some good friends who I can chat and laugh with. At the other, apart from the odd one, the atmosphere feels competitive and hostile! It doesnt help that my other half is a teacher at this school and I feel like I can't let my guard down in case I say something I shouldn't!!! I found joining the pta does help, it widens the circle and gives you a common cause to bond over. Also there are some nice mums who although are happy to chat really dont want to committ to another friend.

But ultimately, as long as your children are happy, you may have to accept that you will need to seek friendship else where, ie, neighbours, work or voluntary work etc.

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