Kids can say no

[SaryLiz]

Has anyone's DCs watched the film "Kids can say no" at school? DD is in year 2 and parents have been invited to watch it and then say if we want DCs to see it. It was made in the 1980s and features Rolf Harris talking to a group of kids about "yes feelings" and "no feelings" and is meant to introduce the subject of sexual abuse the children. I watched it on You Tube as I cant make it into school on the day they are showing it but quite honestly felt it was a complete waste of time and I really don't want dd to see it. It seems to be completely irrelevant as it addresses scenarios such as kids aged 7-8 going to the shops on their own and talking to men they don't know. I don't want dd to feel left out if all of her classmates are watching it. What to do?

Do 7 year olds NOT go to the shop/ park/ round the corner to mates/ grannys house on their own where you live??

They do where I live, and where I used to live.

My DS haven't but it is ringing bells for me, I can still remember the song from it (if I am remembering the right one)

"My body's nobodies body but mine, you run your own body, let me run mine."

I don't see what harm it could do letting her watch it.

Do you not think your DD would ever be in the position to be on her own at this age? What about walking to and from the toilet perhaps in a restaurant or shop? What about outside in her front garden with a passerby? At school? At a playgroup? At a friend's house? Wouldn't you think it best to allow her to see something that may give her the confidence or idea that she CAN say no to something that makes her uncomfortable?

I certainly don't believe that there are weirdos out there everywhere, but hey, it can't hurt for a child to be taught that their body is their own.

I see that it's produced by (or was it just posted to YouTube by?) the Advisory Committee for the Prevention and Handling of Violence in the Family. It moves on rapidly from the idea that the child doesn't have to do what strangers tell him to do if it feels wrong, to the idea that he also have rights over his own body when it comes to friends and family, acknowledging that it can be difficult to say no to people who are close to us.

So I don't really think the film is particularly about avoiding weirdos in shops, though that does get a brief mention. It seems to be focused on the statistically far more common scenario of abuse from friends and family. Sadly, it would be difficult to imagine a child of any age being 100% safe from such abuse - only those who spend 24 hours a day with YOU are definitely safe.

It seems that most such situations are not a sudden dramatic one-off. Instead, they develop gradually over a number of occasions, with the would-be abuser pushing boundaries a bit more and a bit more each time. This gives the child a good opportunity to protect herself if she can manage to be assertive at an early stage, when things simply "feel wrong" to her though probably she can't explain why, before the potential abuser has done anything specific and very clearly wrong.

Possibly the presentation of this particular film is not appropriate for your own child, and that is why it doesn't feel right to you? But the subject is very useful for all children. If you don't want her to watch this film, I think you should read up on the subject and work at giving her the same messages in your own way.

Thanks Saracen - I agree that I should not ignore the fact that these things do happen - and most likely in situations where you thought there was mutual trust. We will certainly address these things with dd.
UniS - I don't know a single one of my dd's peers or my friend's kids who would be allowed out on their own - even to go round the corner to a friend's house. I don't think that we are a particularly paranoid bunch of parents.
DH is going to see the film and we will then decide. I'm just not sure that dd will understand what the film is about as she wont be able to relate to the scenarios.
As this is such an important topic, why has the appropriate govt dept or even the NSPCC not made a more up to date film? It seems mad to be showing a film made 30 years ago.

At seven years old that sounds massively paranoid! Not even allowed round the corner straight to a friends house?! You raise your child the way you see fit, absolutely, but it's also your most important job to equip her with the skills to be safe in life. And keeping her by your side 24/7 at that age is far doing that imo.

As to the film, haven't seen it, but it sounds brilliant, and might give you some cluse as to what seven year olds can quite reasonably be expected to do.

I don't think it sounds paranoid. My dd is 6.5 and none of her friends are out and about on their own. I do think that the film sounds like a good idea though and would probably let my dd watch it, even if I didn't think she'd understand it 100% - at least the main ideas might sink in.

Age to go out alone depends enormously on where you are. When my oldest was 7, we were in central London, and no way would he have been out alone (mainly traffic reasons).

But even if not yet out alone, children should be seeing these films as preparation for when they are.

I do think London makes a difference, plus things like where you live - in our old house (SW London) kids played in the street: it was a cul-de-sac. Now, we're in a through road and dd's friend lives across the street - they do not cross it alone yet (7) though I imagine next year they might start, its relatively quiet.
dd does go to the toilet alone in restaurants, scoots on ahead on the way to school etc - I would let her see the film.

Sparkle - never had the opportunity to send her round the corner to a friend's house as none live near enough. As for keeping her by my side 24/7 - you said that, not me . I want her to gain her independence but I am in no rush for her to lose her innocence. Is there anything wrong with that?

I have just watched it on YouTube and I think its really good. I am going to show it to my Y2 child but he does play out/go to the shop/ go to friends houses etc. as do hundreds of other 6/7 year olds.

Even if no friends live close surely she is going to toilets in restaurants/shops or swimming changing rooms or any number of places where she does have the opportunity to talk to people?

It's a really gentle, unfrightening film, from what I can see. It may be 30 years old but are kids that age going to notice too much or is it just adults who will worry about it?

I particularly like the Yes Feelings/No Feelings thing - really useful way of describing to kids how to identify things that they feel are wrong but don't know how to articulate.

As for kids being by parents at all times or not, it only takes once and nobody, realistically, CAN be there 24/7 so surely it's better to equip kids with guidelines on what to do if, heaven forbid, they are ever in a scary position. (I'm a firm believer that if you allow kids enough freedom to learn how to make little decisions, when they're faced with big decisions on drugs, sex, alcohol etc., they've had practice in how to make a good choice.)

NotDaphne, this thread is a year old

D'oh...but hey, you were on there so it wasn't a wasted post. :)

How do people find these antique threads? And why?

it does sound a bit paranoid.
my 5y old just started to go to a friends house at the end of the road by himself...

Beats me! I'm only here because you upped a zombie thread, NotDaphne. How did you happen upon it?

I don't know how she did but I'm glad she did. I missed the thread originally, but that film mentioned sounds really good. I think DH and/or I will be checking it out and maybe letting our kids watch it. I haven't heard of the school doing anything like this so it's useful info.