Feeling guilty. Can my reception child 'catch up'?

[MerryMarigold]

Bit worried about my ds1. Ok, admit that (deep down) I am a competitive parent. Never have been into all that who walked/ talked/ biked quickly business. And I don't want him to be 'top of the class', but just doing well I suppose. My ds1 is in one of the lowest groups in his school for reading, despite more than three quarters of the kids starting with English as second language. In fact even many of those kids who don't speak English at home have now overtaken him. He is in with January starters now. His teacher is always saying he's really intelligent, but he's often sent out of the class for bad behaviour and he is getting behind academically. To be fair, I haven't done lots at home as I have toddler twins, he is exhausted after school and he hates doing any reading/ writing, however fun I make it (we've made books, labelled pictures etc.).

I just wondered if/ when his behaviour settles down, whether he will be able to catch up or whether this is really going to set him back long term. Also what I can do to help him. His teacher is EXTREMELY odd and always says he's really intelligent, he will just grow out of the behaviour stuff/ being able to sit still and listen. He can certainly concentrate for ages when he wants to, but struggles when he's not interested in something. Apparently he is not interested in reading or writing, despite the fact we read lots of books. Now it's nearly the end of Reception, I just feel like he should be able to write more than his name and be able to read a bit.

I don't want to come across as a pushy parent. I think maybe my lack of pushiness hasn't helped him to be honest. I've asked the teacher a few times what we could do, but not really pestered when she's said to leave it. Now I feel guilty and that he's not where he could be. Part of me thinks, well GCSE's are a very long way away, so there's plenty of time for things to get better. But then I worry that he's going to be 'stuck' feeling like he's not able. He does say sometimes that he's not clever, and this really isn't coming from us. Is it common that kids get off to a bad start and change later?

I can't offer any advice only empathy as ds is exactly the same. His teacher says he is bright and not to worry, but we can see no progress at all over the course of reception year. He also stuggles to sit still and follow instructions. Teacher seems to think he has learnt stuff but we can't see any evidence, although she says he is one of the better readers in the class he is still only on stage 2 (red) ort. He knew all his sounds and could read simple words before he started school so to us this seems like very slow progress. From displays in the classroom his writing seems to be the worst in his class.
We also have asked what we can do at home to help support him with reading, writing, sitting still and following instructions (all areas where he is struggling) teacher says there's nothing you can do really .
Like your ds he hates doing anything remotely like school activities ESP reading or writing no matter how much fun we try to make them.
From what I can see, the teacher can see that essentially he is 'bright, imaginative and articulate' so is not worrying about the areas where he is struggling on the assumption that he will catch up spontaneously. We really hope she is right but were worried about the move up to year one.
As we are so close now to the end of the year I am trying to not worry and hope that we can reignite his love of learning (which appears to have been snuffed out by school) when we have more time and freedom over the holidays for him to explore his own interests which he has dropped since starting school.

Thanks all for your responses. I know...I am trying not to be stressed about this, and mostly manage, but every so often it overwhelms me. And really saddens me that he is realising he is with different kids for his reading/ writing. Thanks for the reassurance that he can 'take off' later, and I will keep doing my best to bolster his confidence at home. Some of the practical ideas for helping are great, and certainly things we can do in the hols. They are changing the reading scheme in September, so maybe he will get on a bit better with the new scheme. I think his hearing is ok as the teacher says he knows what she is talking about but can mess about at the same time as taking it in.

The teacher is genuinely strange, which is why I don't trust her judgments on 'it will all be ok' (even if she is right!). Last week she splashed water on his face, because 'he was out of control' (crying) - because he had to dismantle something he'd spent a lot of time building and he was exhausted having been up v early all week. Before she told me this, she told me to "stop smirking" - she was definitely talking to me - as I walked towards her (I was having a laugh with another Mum, we weren't talking about her, but guess she felt defensive/ paranoid). I just accept that some teachers are fantastic, and some are not so good, and guess she is in the latter category.

She doesn't tell me when he is sent out of class (though I have asked because at one point it was quite frequently). He doesn't get sent out of the room, just to another Reception class, but obviously he is missing teaching. Ds1 tells me sometimes that he's been sent out, or sometimes the TA if I ask. When I have asked about strategies to help him she says, "Oh he's fine now! He was in a bad patch". When I ask him what he's done to be sent out he says he is 'distracting people' and when I ask why he says he is bored or he has 'bad feelings'. His behaviour at home is ok, but is markedly worse in term time.

All in all it's been an exhausting year and really hard for all of us. Ds1 gets quite stressed at school and tends to sleep badly in term time (hence the tiredness) and particularly towards the end of term. I think he may just be getting over stimulated, which is another reason I've not done much with him at home. I've seen my sunny, very happy, bouncy boy change quite a lot into quite a stressed, 'difficult' behaviourally, unconfident little boy. We're not in dire straights yet, so I am holding out hope for next year, new teacher and maybe he'll have grown up. I did see the head last week to talk about about 'the deeper issues', but we didn't really talk the academic stuff, hence starting this thread. So sorry for length of this!!!

Sops, 'bright, imaginative and articulate' - exactly how ds1 is described!

she splashed water in his face and told you off for smirking? cor - she's bonkers. Write this all down... Tell the head or the lead teacher for the infant years. Anymore incidents and I'd be tempted to remove him from school until Sept. You can spend time at home getting the happy boy back

She sounds like a crap teacher to me. Could you get him moved into the other reception class? If someone splashed water into my Ds's face (also 5 ) I'd be making noises about assault.

Uh - hello! (sorry for the unsophisticated response, but I am genuinely shocked). Splashing water on a child's face - splashing?!! What is she - a Guantanamo Bay interrogator?!! This is tantamount to assault! I'm sorry if this upsets you, MerryMarigold, but if she treated my child like that, I would be informing more authority figures than just the headteacher.

This teacher is carrying out quite erratic and disturbing teaching practice. I would suggest making a complaint against her to the headteacher, and withdrawing him from her class. Can he be moved to another class? Children often know from non verbal cues that things are not quite right even when they are too young to be aware of grownup facts - not surprising his demeanour has changed over the year.

Even if you are unable to get him to another class or even another school for the rest of the year, I'd keep him out for the rest of the year. As it's reception year, it's not like his missing GCSEs or something. Spending more time in that teacher's class would be more detrimental. No wonder so many of us have been stunned as to why a reception child would be "sent out" of class. Am also astounded that the headteacher does not seem to be aware of this teacher's "unorthodox" (to put it politely) methods - but perhaps you will know more once you've had a word with him/her.

I thought you meant that what the teacher was saying about your ds was odd. You are right - she is extremely odd. I would not be happy about her behaviour, not at all.

Reception is about learning how to function at school. It is probably more about social skills than academic learning, particularly the skills of co-operation that you need in order to learn in a group environment. Most children love Reception. Their world expands, they feel big and clever. Your ds is being pushed in the opposite direction by his teacher's weird methods.

I still think that his academic progress is not a major issue, but his lack of confidence and happiness, and his behaviour, are worrying. He does not sound over-stimulated to me at all. He sounds bored, frustrated and confused. I understand that it is tough for you, having twin toddlers as well, but I would seriously consider taking your ds out of school for the rest of the year. His confidence needs boosting, he needs to be allowed to discover how good he is at learning, and he needs to be less stressed so that he will be less tired.

I would not rely on his teacher's assessment of his hearing, as her judgement will be coloured by her opinion of him. Even a small amount of hearing loss, so slight that neither person would be aware of it in a face-to-face conversation, can have a major impact in the noisy classroom environment. If a child doesn't hear an instruction, how can they be expected to follow it?

I am really shocked by your teacher's behaviour, thank goodness your ds will soon be moving out of her class. I would definitely be writing to the head about that water splashing incident, she sounds totally loopy.

I feel that my ds is not over stimulated by school, rather he is over-stressed by it. We realised over the easter hols that our inquiring, enthusiastic child came back, we have missed him since september.

We are looking into the 'deeper issues' ourselves and feel that it's very likely he has some kind of neuro-developmental delay, which is exhibiting itself as a compulsion to be in control and poor motor skills. We think Pathological Demand Avoidance and Non-verbal Learning Disorder are totally him. He also overlaps with dyspraxia and auditory processing disorder too. How was your ds before he started school?

Your poor lad, he's so little still.

I'm going to ignore the stuff about the teacher as I can't think of anything constructive to add at the moment.

I do think that your DS sounds absolutely exhausted, many children find YR tiring and the tiredness seems to intensify as the year progresses. If your DS is having problems sleeping or is waking very early, then this will be adding to his problems. IMO his behaviour in class and at home may well be caused (at least partially) by being over-tired - you say his behaviour improves in the holidays? It would certainly affect his concentration and the ease with which he is distracted.

What time is he going to bed? Could you pull bedtime right forward to 5:30 - 6pm? See if it helps for a few weeks, and if you can get to the end of the school year in one piece?

Thanks all. Yes, maybe do need to bring bedtime forward. He will still wake early, but hopefully get more sleep in before 5am. I will have to be in bed early too I guess!

Am a bit at pulling him out of school. I spoke to my Mum and sis (both teachers) and they said to let it lie as it is nearly the end of term, and the head is no doubt aware of this teacher. Teacher has been there 20 years! I hate 'making trouble' and having just seen head last week, felt bad. Maybe I need to rethink this...I don't know what to do. I don't want to make things worse for ds1 and to have a reputation as that over protective mum who keeps making a fuss. What do the rest of you think?

The rest of this is for Sops...
I am really interested in your learning on your ds1. Haven't heard of those things, maybe I will look it up. I feel this year has been a learning curve for me. Have you read the Highly Sensitive Child? I think this may be my ds1. I think he is being over stimulated at school, more by the noise levels and constant social interractions plus the teacher's high stress levels ie. emotionally/ socially over stimulated. Ds1 has always been very happy, but he's very sensitive to people. He gets very excited by other kids (since a baby) and can always pick up if I'm unhappy or stressed, so I imagine being around a stressed teacher all year has done him in a bit. Like you, it really hit me at Easter when we had our wonderful, affectionate, obedient boy back. But dh was off for 2 weeks, the weather was fantastic - so he had an extremely happy and relaxing time with us and my parents plus he slept A LOT. One of the signs of the over sensitive (according to this book) is more sleep as they get tired more easily, processing a lot. Ds1 had an afternoon nap till he was well past 4. In fact I think he only dropped it in the last term of nursery and even then after lunch was a very relaxing do-nothing time. He's always had trouble sitting still/ focussing unless he chooses to. He loves people, but has struggled in friendships this year (because he is perceived as the 'naughty boy'). The weird teacher says he is very 'young' (I am assuming immature), which is natural as he's the youngest in the family, and I haven't done much to help him 'grow up' any more quickly, plus he hates and can't handle things like Star Wars and Dr Who, which all the other boys are into. He gets over excited very easily.

In terms of his motor skills, he only started drawing when he was 5 (before that, lots of colouring/ scribbling, but no actual 'pictures'). He also only started holding a pencil properly at this time with a lot of encouragement. He tends to write most letters/ numbers backwards and upside down and writes in a very weird way with the paper almost 90 degrees. It's taken him nearly a year to master 'v' in his name and not write an 'n'. Not too worried about this as he can recognise all the letters and say them, but struggles to blend. Is this like your ds, sops?

**oops. meant to say he is the ELDEST child in the family. He is happy to play similar things to his siblings who are 2.5. He is still happy to dance with bubbles, play with cars and build. He loves mega bloks as much as lego.

I asked earlier about his physical development because I was wondering about DCD (sometimes referred to as dyspraxia) because the tiredness and behaviour are typical

It's very early days. My DD had a bumpy ride in reception but has come on in leaps and bounds in year one. If he can concentrate for long periods, that is a very good sign. A lot of children this age can't stay still for long periods of time. I would mention to the teacher though he is saying he thinks he's stupid. That should be worked on. If he really thinks that he will stop trying. What is the bad behaviour you mention? Why is it happening? Does he have a lot of friends? Give yourself a break, too. You have toddler twins and this year is hardly the make or break for exams! Better not to push him and put him off at this stage. Good Luck.

Sops. He also took a long time to potty train. I am realising, now I have another ds how 'different' ds1 is emotionally and developmentally. My ds2 watches, copies, learns - with most things. Ds2 potty trained in 1 week and has started dressing himself at 2.5. He does not seem to feel much emotionally, though he's very affectionate. Ds1, in contrast, cried all the way through Wall-E, he sometimes hides his face in Peppa Pig (!) if he knows something 'bad' will happen. He still struggles with getting dressed and putting his shoes on. Generally shoes are on the wrong feet. In terms of control, the main area this manifests itself in, is his eating. When he's stressed, he stops eating/ eats very little. I am now giving him a packed lunch at school as he stopped eating school lunch (I'm pretty sure) which wasn't helping behaviour. Now he has what he knows every day, and I can also tell if he's had an off day, as he will maybe only eat a few grapes or a cracker for lunch.

mrz, what do you mean about physical development? He can ride a scooter quite well (3 wheel one)...and has started bike riding with stabilisers. He is quite co-ordinated with ball kicking and can pass pretty well, though catching is harder for him.

Did he crawl as a baby?
Is he easily fatigued?
poor concentration?
poor tactile discrimination?
poor timing/sequencing? = throwing to others and catching bouncing a ball skipping
difficulty sitting still? fidgety
Difficulty being at the right level of alertness?
Physical clumsiness?
poor posture?
Poor awareness of body and in relation to others and objects? will try to fit himself into a space too small/bump into things
Extreme sensitivity to some sensory experience ie touch, sound, sight?
Poor ability to learn new movements?

Mmmm...just read dyspraxia symptoms and some are very much him. Clumsy (always spilling drinks, even noted in his playgroup notes when he was 3, and still does sometimes), falling over, odd running, delayed fine motor skills, sitting still, sensitivity to clothing, difficulty with left and right. Others are definitely not him though. He walked and talked and crawled at average times.

Does he display any of the following behaviours or difficulties?

Awkward running gait
Frequent falls or stumbles
Messy feeder
Dressing independently
Using cutlery
Tying shoelaces
Riding a bike
Hopping /skipping or jumping
Playing football
Ball skills

Most children with DCD meet normal developmental milestones although some miss out the crawling stage and go straight to walking

Getting dressed has always been one of the biggest problems with ds. I'm not exactly sure where the issue comes from- maybe he doesn't do it because it's hard, maybe it's hard because he doesn't practice, maybe both? He also always used to put his shoes on the wrong feet and his trousers on back to front, although he now does that less often.
My ds also would not draw until quite recently. His writing is very poor and his drawings still very immature. He has written a father's day card this weekend and although it's a massive achievement for him, as it's the first time he's ever written anything at home, it was a real effort. Strangely I noticed he was swapping hands (think he is essentially left handed) as he wrote. Again like yours the letters are all over the place, backwards, sometimes mirror writes a whole word, and weird technique. He struggles with using a knife and fork too.
Definitely struggles to sit still and concentrate (although can do if activity is of own choosing). We've recently got him a wobble cushion cgi.ebay.co.uk/PhysioRoom-New-Junior-Air-Stability-Wobble-Cushion-ADHD-/180682616907?pt=UK_Sporting_Goods_Exercise_Fitness_Fitness_Accessories_ET&hash=item2a1185f04b which we feel has definitely helped him with sitting still.
He also is sensitive to noise (often covers his ears) and smells. He is very easily scared (the only child in the world to be frightened of 'The Snowman'), emotionally very young (but verbally quite advanced) excitable and impulsive.
I am just reading 'disconnected kids' www.amazon.co.uk/Disconnected-Kids-Groundbreaking-Neurological-Disorders/dp/039953475X and it seems to be explaining a lot about ds.
How old was your ds when he started to crawl/walk?

Sorry, just seen you've said average for crawling/walking.

Always spilling drinks here too!
In terms of characteristics for any condition it's rare for any child to tick every single box, sounds like DCD could be an avenue to look further into for your ds.

Ds1 hasn't watched The Snowman, but can imagine he would be scared and definitely cry when the snowman melts! This is all so new and a bit daunting to be honest. Trousers on back to front nearly every day! Has the teacher been helpful with this, Sops, or have you come to these conclusions yourself?

Talking was a bit later than other children actually, but when he took off, he really took off and it was all in about 6 months from 2.5-3.

Talking a little later here too- but went almost straight into sentences and been ahead of peers since then.
I have definitely come to these conclusions myself. His teacher has been supportive in some ways, particularly at the beginning, but now less so. In the early days he had 'anger management issues' which they have managed to get under control at school, but as he has come more 'under control' at school he is less so at home and we feel he is more withdrawn. So, ironically as school have become less concerned about him, we have become more so!
I also think that ds' strengths have distracted his teacher from seeing the areas where he does struggle. She thinks he will just catch up, but we think it's unlikely as we've seen no improvement in these areas over the long term so far.
The school nurse has however been very helpful and we are currently waiting for her referral to come through for Occupational Therapy to investigate his motor issues. Might be worth talking to your nurse?